What Makes An Ex Come Back? (When You Let Him Go)

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In this post I’m going to explain what makes an ex come back to you after a breakup.

I’m also going to discuss whether or not the following statement is true or not:

Let him go and he’ll come back (or her).

Be sure to watch the video above all the way through and then read this article all the way to the end.

It’s important that you educate and prepare yourself as much as possible to give you the best chance of getting your ex back.

Knowing the dynamics of human nature that cause an ex to want to get back together with someone after they broke up with them is fundamental to my relationship coaching.

It is often complex.

When someone asks, “Will my ex come back,” the answer is in terms of the probability since we are dealing with people.

There can also be what I call a “Mirage Reunion.”

That is where an ex comes back to you, but for the wrong reasons and doesn’t stay long.

If an ex comes back for the wrong reasons, they are likely to go away again.

The Wrong Reasons for an Ex Coming Back:

1. Lack of Available Alternatives:

The dating world can be difficult, creepy, and frustrating.

If your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend lives in a small town or simply doesn’t have a large social circle, they might figure that you are the best or only option.

Or if they have low self-confidence or have had bad luck with past romantic partners.

2. Guilt:

If you handled the breakup poorly by trying to talk your ex into getting back together, you likely tried to make them feel guilty about how they hurt you by breaking up with you.

If you did that, they might come back to you because they are trying to ease the guilt they feel.

Guilt is not love and making your ex feel guilty is not the same as restoring attraction.

It’s not even in the same galaxy!

In the rare event they do take you back because they feel guilty, it will be temporary and only to appease their guilt.

It’s not really taking you back and fits the “Mirage Reunion” perfectly.

When the guilt has worn off, and it will quickly, they will feel even less attraction and love for you than when they initially broke up with you!

They will feel strength and resolve against you.

The guilt will almost certainly not work to get them back again and you will be even further away from them than at the first breakup.

You’ll wish you had listened to me when they are afraid you will try to manipulate them again with guilt and will reject any and all efforts on your part to meet or communicate.

No one likes to be manipulated.

3. Boredom:

Maybe you are funny or they have a good time with you.

That’s great, but if that’s the only reason they come back to you, they will likely not stay long.

4. Sex:

It’s like air, they say.

It’s not a problem until you aren’t getting any.

If the two of you were having sex and now, after the breakup, your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend has no one for that, your ex might come back to you to fulfill that need.

If that’s the only reason your ex comes back, it won’t be long at all before you are dumped again for someone who provides more of what your ex needs outside of the bedroom as well.

5. Thinking the problems will fix themselves:

Occasionally an ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend will come back because they just take a leap of faith that the problems that pushed them away will simply go away.

But if and when the same problems pop up again, it’s adios.

6. Duty:

They feel they owe it to you.

This is much like guilt.

It’s temporary and they will resent you for it even if you didn’t try to use it to manipulate them into coming back to you.

7. Wanting to stick it out (commitment without desire/passion):

Some people hate to fail and pride themselves on finishing what they started.

That’s admirable, but it will not last.

No one can stay in an unfulfilling situation forever – and they won’t.

8. Status of being in a relationship:

Some people really like having a girlfriend or boyfriend.

The problem is when they don’t like the person who is their girlfriend or boyfriend.

This is a temporary reason for coming back and it will likely only be until they can find a “better” replacement.

9. Loneliness:

Because being with you is better than being lonely – until it isn’t.

And, like many of the other reasons, when they find a replacement, they will leave again.

10. Support for a difficult situation:

Maybe your ex needs comfort from a tragedy in their life.

Maybe they are down on their luck and wanting some encouragement or an ego stroke.

As you guessed, this lasts until they feel better or find someone who comforts them better (because they will be looking).

Will He / She Come Back After A Breakup?

That was not a fun list.

If an ex boyfriend or girlfriend comes back to you for any of those reasons, the path forward will be difficult if not impossible.

The question is not so much “if” or “will he or she come back after a breakup” but if your ex will stay.

Will he come back to me?

Will she come back?

The more important question is, “Will he/she stay?”

There are at least two reasons for that:

1. Wrong Reasons:

Those are obviously the wrong reasons for an ex to come back because there won’t be staying power.

It won’t last unless another reason takes its place.

2. Realization :

Your ex will realize, at some point, that they came back to you for the wrong reason(s).

Your ex’s realization that he or she came back for shallow and wrong reasons will devalue the relationship in their mind first and in their heart second (if there are still true feelings of that kind left).

And your ex will likely leave you again, very likely for the last time.

You don’t want to go through this again if at all possible, right?

It’s Important That Your Ex Comes Back For The Right Reason(s)

I know that if you are reading this, you possibly want your ex back any way that you can get them to come back and you figure that you’ll worry about the rest later.

Does it really matter why an ex comes back? 

“I just want them back.”

I get it.

And helping you get them back is most certainly my goal.

But not only is getting them to come back to you in the right way far more likely to be long term, but it’s also more likely to get them back at all!

What is The Best Way to Get an Ex To Come Back?

The best way to get an ex back is to recreate attraction first, before anything else.

Don’t rush this!

I can’t emphasize that enough.

I know you want them back. That’s an understatement!

“Desperate” might be the right word and because of that desperation, you are far more likely to do the wrong things.

You are far more likely to be irrational.

We can channel that energy to get your ex to come back to you.

But you’ve got to trust me.

To get your ex to come back to you, you have to rebuild the attraction they feel for you.

This is true even if you are wondering how to get my ex back from a rebound relationship.

You actually have the advantage over the new person when you back away, stop contacting them, and change the way your ex sees you.

Let him or her come to you after a breakup.

The way you do that is to recreate yourself in a few key ways:

1. Increase Your Attractiveness:

Implementing the No Contact Rule does many things to help you.

It stops the damage and prevents you from pushing your ex away even further.

It’s extremely important that you let him or her go so that they can come to you after a breakup instead of chasing. In other words, let him go and he will come back (or her).

Primarily, it revives attraction by making you scarce and that causes your ex to miss you.

It can serve as a reset button to whatever caused your ex to leave.

But you want to work on yourself so that the issues are resolved as much as possible by the time your ex comes back.

You can read more about that in the link above.

2. Correct The Issue:

You likely have a decent idea of why your ex broke up with you.

Maybe you were too clingy.

Maybe it’s hygiene, jealousy, not showing enough affection, not fulfilling a relational need, not respecting yourself enough, being bad at conversation, not meeting a certain need of theirs, living too far away, being too argumentative, too negative, too dramatic, too selfish, or something else.

If you want your ex back, improving yourself in those things is necessary in case they come back or in case they reach out to see if you’ve changed.

You shouldn’t announce it to your ex because talk is cheap and it comes across as you trying to bribe them into getting back together with you.

Showing them is far more powerful.

That is, unless there is something that you need to apologize for and you haven’t already.

This is a sensitive area and I recommend setting up a coaching call with me so I can help you with this.

But the issue that caused the breakup needs to be addressed and corrected so that you can get them back fully and not lose them again.

3. Change Your Focus:

This is often the most true for men.

Women usually aren’t into guys who don’t have focus, drive, and ambition for something other than them.

Of course, women (and men) want you focused on them at certain times and want to feel special to you.

But they also are most attracted to you when you have passions in life outside of them.

Find hobbies, start a business, learn an instrument, or something else that allows you to fulfill a passion and gives you something to do so that, when your ex comes back you aren’t clingy and in a constant text conversation with them.

Some time apart is so important and I talk about that in the video that is posted with the article, “Will My Ex Forget About Me During No Contact?”

Signs Your Ex Will Eventually Come Back

On coaching calls, clients often ask me what signs show that their ex will come back to them.

What’s usually going on is that you’ve inadvertently created a reward cycle in your brain.

If you are wanting to know signs that your ex will come back eventually and are actively looking for those signs or clues, you have created a chemical dependence in your brain.

Basically it works like this:

You desperately want your ex back and because you miss him/her, you are monitoring their social media or your past conversations (texts, letters, etc.).

It doesn’t make sense to you.

Your ex said that they love you and, maybe, said that they would never leave you.

In trying to make sense of that, your brain tries to find answers.

Maybe your ex planned the breakup.

In your pain and desperation for some comfort, your brain uses an ancient coping mechanism of trying to find answers that satisfy the confusion.

Your brain pitches to you that maybe the signs suggest that your ex will come back or plans to eventually.

Or that your ex wants you to do something to get them back.

You get some relief from this hypothesis and that causes your brain to produce some dopamine.

Dopamine is the chemical your brain uses to reward you.

Scratch an itch, get some dopamine.

Get your phone plugged into a charger, here’s a little more.

In this case, recognize clues from your ex that might mean that you are going to get them back and receive a big dose of dopamine.

Don’t worry, I am going to give you some potential signs that your ex misses you and will come back to you, but they come with a warning.

Try not to look for them too much.

I know that you will a little.

You can’t help it.

But I’ve seen so many people become obsessed – possibly even clinically – with every social post or statement their ex makes.

People experiencing this often look for clues in the most basic of sentences or pictures from their ex.

I know the pain you are in and I feel for you.

That’s why I’m telling you to be aware that the tendency for looking for signs that your ex wants you back can become unhealthy.

Extremely so in fact.

Okay, here’s what you are looking for – the signs that your ex will come back:

1.  They are still communicating with you or start to again. This likely means that they want to feel your presence again and miss you.
2. They  discuss the past. This is a big sign that your ex misses you. It likely means they’ve been thinking about the past fondly and are missing the days of being with you.
3. They ask mutual friends about you. In my article, “Stages Your Ex (The Dumper) Goes Through in No Contact,” I mention the stage of curiosity and how important that stage is to lead to the next stages in re-attracting your ex.
4. They act jealous. Jealousy is when you feel you could lose what matters to you. That should say all you need to know.
5. They open up about something important. This means that your ex still feels intimacy with you because intimacy is when you don’t hide from someone but show yourself naked – not just physically but emotionally. Opening up again usually implies that they are missing intimacy with you and wanting to feel it again.
6. They ask if you are dating someone new. They’ve likely been wondering about it (maybe wondering if you are in a rebound relationship) and the idea that you might be bothers them because they still feel like yours.
7. They volunteer the information that they are single. They just want to make sure you know. They want you to know to see if they can determine your interest level or to see if you’ll make a move. Be careful and be sure to be playful (I get into that much more in my Emergency Breakup Kit).
8. They take the blame for the breakup happening. This is usually a way of opening the door to you to determine a response or even to get you to show interest in some way.
9. They make silly excuses to see you. One example is a client telling me about his ex coming over to get some coupons that were mailed to her at his place – 45 minutes away.
10. They admit to you or someone you know that they are having dreams about you or that include you. This is a good sign that your ex is preoccupied with you to some degree and their mind is even working over time in that area. It’s also their way of wanting you to know they still feel some intimacy with you.

The Bottom Line On Why An Ex Comes Back (and If Your Ex Will Come Back)

As I say in my post, “How To Stay Out of the Friend Zone With Your Ex,”:

After all, your ex is not going to be motivated to get back into the relationship just so that YOU can have the man or woman of your dreams. They will be motivated to get back into the relationship so that THEY can have the man or woman of their dreams. -Coach Lee

An ex can come back for many reasons, but the most likely way to get them back and the way to keep them is to do the right things to re-attract them.

Then you can show them that you have changed and the two of you can enjoy your life together if you practice good relationship habits and dynamics such as empathy, selflessness, affection, faithfulness, and commitment.

To get my help with your specific situation and a map to getting your ex back, get more information on my Emergency Breakup Kit!

–Coach Lee
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