No matter how many times I advise against it, people still try to talk their ex out of breaking up with them.
Most ask what they should tell their ex to get her/him back and I want to answer that question in this post.
So I will tell you why trying to talk your ex out of breaking up with you or into coming back to you won’t work and usually harms your chances of getting them back.
The Cause of Most Breakups
Most people don’t understand that the actual cause of most breakups is a combination of a loss of attraction or love.
Some breakups are circumstantial but most of those situations would not result in the dumper wanting to break up if attraction and love remained high.
I’m sorry to say that if attraction and love are high, your ex would have done whatever it took to overcome the situation in order to stay in the relationship with you.
But that wasn’t the case or you would not be reading this.
Don’t worry, all is not lost in terms of you and your ex getting back together.
I can help you get back the attraction and love your ex once felt for you. The first step is in you understanding that the weakening of those two things is what lost you your ex and that those two things can’t be talked back into your ex.
Why Can’t You Talk Your Ex Into Getting Back Together?
The main reason you can’t talk your ex into coming back to you is because what you are actually trying to do, without realizing it, is talk them into being attracted to you strongly enough again or into loving you again (or enough) to stay.
Should You Talk To Your Ex?
While it might have worked when you were a child and wanted to get your way, you can’t talk, argue, or reason people into those intense, personal, and internal feelings.
Winning an argument doesn’t make someone say, “I thought I didn’t love them but then they proved me wrong.”
Think about it, if you see someone who is physically unattractive, no amount of talking or reasoning will make you attracted to that person in a physical way.
Because it was not a decision but, instead, a reaction or instinct. It started subconsciously and instinctively.
The same is true for emotional attraction.
If someone doesn’t connect with you, is irritating, immoral, harsh, mentally unstable, immature, too easily offended, narcissistic, etc., you are turned off.
Being turned off by that is not something you can be talked out of.
What Happens When You Try To Talk Your Ex Into Getting Back With You
You almost always push your ex further away when you try talking them out of a breakup or to come back to you.
You make yourself more unattractive because an attractive person doesn’t have to talk someone into being attracted to them, or liking/loving them. It happens because of who they are.
So unless there is a major misunderstanding – and be very careful not to latch onto that to make anything a “misunderstanding” when it’s really not, just so you can try to talk your ex back – talking to an ex won’t change anything positively, but will only hurt and push your ex further away.
There’s no magic words to say if you are wondering how to get your ex back.
Words, talking, texting, and calling will feel to you like you are accomplishing something, but it is truly an illusion.
Schemes People Use To Try To Talk An Ex Back
Some methods people use to try to talk an ex back into a relationship are often the worst things they could do. Here are some examples:
They attempt to manipulate the ex back by making the ex feel sorry for them enough so that the ex takes them back to ease their own conscience.
Guilt is not love.
That should be all you need to know about whether or not you should try to manipulate your ex with guilt.
Making your ex feel guilty is not the same as restoring attraction and love. It’s not in the same universe!
Making your ex feel sorry for you is not the same either.
In the rare event they do take you back because they feel guilty, it will be temporary and only to appease their guilt.
It’s not really taking you back!
When the guilt has worn off, and it will quickly, they will feel even less attraction and love for you than when they initially broke up with you.
They will feel strength and resolve against you.
The guilt will almost certainly not work to get them back this time and you will be further away from them than at the first breakup.
You’ll wish you had listened to me when they are afraid you will try to manipulate them again and will reject any efforts on your part to meet or communicate.
No one likes to be manipulated.
Blackmail – Believe it or not, there are extremely immature, mentally unstable people out there who try to get their ex back by threatening to post stories, pictures, etc. online or by telling personal secrets to others to embarrass their ex or make them look bad.
They tell the ex that if they get back together with them that they won’t do those things.
I shouldn’t have to explain how pathetic and simply wrong doing this is but I want to be as clear as possible.
Not only is it incredibly selfish, and in some situations illegal, it makes you an enemy to your ex.
Whereas before your ex likely didn’t think negatively of you but for whatever reason just didn’t think the relationship could work at the moment.
The future was still wide open so the possibility of you two getting back together still existed.
But now you have shown that you are willing to attack and harm your ex to get your way.
That puts you at the level of crazy, dangerous stalker.
If your ex did agree to get back together with you to avoid your threats, not only would it be fake but they would be looking for ways out immediately.
Those ways would probably involve law-enforcement, lawyers, muscular family members, and friends who would go after you to defend your ex.
If I have to tell you not to try this to get your ex back, you are probably too far gone already and need psychological help.
People (men and women) still try this kind of thing and often end up behind bars.
Variations of this include threatening to kill yourself if your ex doesn’t take you back.
This is the height of manipulation and your ex will hate you for it.
Their feelings of concern for you will end quickly when the realization sets in that you are a manipulating psychopath.
Their love and attraction for you certainly won’t improve but, instead, will end completely.
They will resent and fear you, but certainly not love or be attracted to you.
Brute Force Messaging – Some people think that if they can text “I love you” enough that their ex will believe it enough and that epiphany will bring them back.
Variations and additions on this include poetry, memories, telling them how lost you are without them, sending them music videos, etc.
Your ex quickly starts seeing you as pathetic and their attraction for you crashes because an attractive person handles a breakup with dignity and class.
How To Talk To Your Ex
An attractive person knows their world is not over and they don’t chase after another person who doesn’t see their value.
They know that their value is obvious and know that either their ex will come around or an even better person will see that value.
Here’s the bottom line:
You can’t talk your way back into your ex’s heart.
I wish you could but, as tempting as it is, you simply can’t.
In fact, the opposite is actually true.
You will only talk your ex further away.
How To Get Your Ex To Talk To You First
You likely realize it is better for your ex to be the one to talk to you first and reach out to you before you reach out to him or her.
That being said, it doesn’t always happen that way and I’m not saying that it can’t work if you reach out first.
People aren’t math problems.
It’s best to first at least try to get your ex to reach out to you first and one way that you can do that is to simply stay silent and use the no contact rule.
If you believe that you two had a great thing, the odds are good your ex will see that if you stay way so that they can see what life is like without you and contemplate losing you and the relationship.
It isn’t likely to happen all at once.
It needs to be at least a little shocking to them in terms of how long you demonstrated that you could stay away.
This is what can cause your ex to realize the seriousness of the situation and that they could lose you.
When your ex comes to the realization that you could move on and that they could lose you, you have the best chance of them talking to you first.
Read the following articles to learn what methods can actually help you get your ex back:
My Emergency Breakup Kit expands on this and provides more sophisticated and specific strategies that work to help you get your ex back. After you access this online kit, you’ll be surprised at how much someone can learn about getting an ex back after two decades in the relationship-recovery service!