Should you tell your ex how you feel?
Not if you want them back.
I’ll explain:
We have all seen the movies where the woman has broken up with a man and she is leaving town.
The man seems to be confused at first about what to do but then it hits him. He knows exactly what to do!
He drives like a maniac across town and runs through the airport just in time to catch her seconds before she boards the plane.
He shouts her name and she turns to him momentarily before turning back toward the plane.
She seems sure that she wants to leave.
But then he says the magic words that fix everything!
“I love you!”
She turns slowly, wide-eyed. He has said the magic words and now she has changed her mind!
She no longer wants to leave/breakup and only wants to be with him.
They hug and kiss passionately as everyone in the airport cheers!
Please.
We saw the same in Crocodile Dundee where the female lead shouted her love across the subway crowd to Mic Dundee.
He, too, was moved to change his mind and stay with her.
There’s an interesting phenomenon that occurs when we watch a film or read a book.
Our brain can’t tell the difference between what’s real and what’s fake.
That’s why people in Nashville, Tennessee screamed and flinched in their seats at the premiere of the movie, “Jaws.”
Though there wasn’t a beach for hundreds of miles and though they knew they were watching a pretend movie with a robot shark, their brain believed that what they were seeing was reality – and so they were afraid.
We tend to believe the things we see in movies. We “learn” from them.
Why Telling Your Ex How You Feel Backfires in Real Life
In real life, emotional confessions do not create attraction — they create pressure.
When someone has already decided to leave a relationship, your emotional vulnerability does not feel romantic to them. It feels heavy. It feels like responsibility. And it often feels like something they are trying to escape.
Instead of thinking, “Wow, they really love me,” your ex is far more likely to think, “This is exactly why I needed space.”
That reaction isn’t cruelty. It’s self-protection. And the more intense your emotional expression, the more distance it usually creates.
The good guy always wins no matter the odds.
“You can do anything you set your mind to.”
And confessing your feelings to your ex will cause them to want to get back together with you.
It’s almost too easy.
Should I Tell My Ex How I Feel?
After a breakup, many people unknowingly make moves that cost them ground. My Emergency Breakup Kit shows what helps, what hurts, and what often pushes an ex away.
To quote Ace Ventura, “Fiction can be fun, but I prefer the reference section.”
The movies and TV shows we see are based on scripts that come from people’s imaginations.
Unless they are based on a true story, they aren’t real.
Heck, even the ones based on true stories are barely real after artistic license has been used.
The truth is, your feelings and how you feel don’t really matter that much to your ex.
I know that might not be comfortable to hear, but I want to be honest with you.
Their own feelings, however, are paramount.
It’s all about how they feel about you.
And since they broke up with you, we know where they stand at the moment.
So if you tell your ex “how you feel,” and your feelings happen to be that you love them and can’t live without them, you have actually just pushed them even further away.
Here’s why:
Because your ex dumped you, we know how he or she feels at the moment.
In my article, “How Long Does It Take To Get Your Ex Back?” I explain that right after the breakup is the absolute worst time to approach your ex about getting back together.
The reason for this is because your ex is most resolute and defensive against you at this time.
Your ex is not in the right frame of mind to be affected by how you feel.
They are pushing through and don’t want to go backwards.
They had to have this “head of steam” to go through with the breakup.
When you tell your ex of your strong feelings for them, you emphasize an imbalance.
That is, you are more invested in them than they are in you.
You feel more for them than they feel for you right now.
You might think that telling your ex how you feel, about the debth of your love and how you’ve “never felt this way before,” will shock them into feeling the same for you or feeling what they used to feel.
Or that you will endear yourself to them, causing them to love you back at the same level.
You might even think, if your ex said he/she dumped you because they felt taken for granted or that you didn’t care enough, that telling them will cause them to feel you are finally where they need and want you to be.
But it will only appear that you are trying to manipulate them into taking you back or will give your ex reassurance that they are making the right decision since you feel so much more strongly about them than they feel about you.
I know, it’s frustrating and heart breaking.
What If My Ex Asks How I Feel?
This is where many people get confused.
If your ex directly asks how you feel, you do not need to unload everything in your heart. You can be honest without being overwhelming.
A calm, grounded response like, “I still care about you, but I respect where things are right now,” communicates strength instead of desperation.
The key is emotional restraint. Saying less — while remaining warm — preserves attraction. Saying everything you feel may give momentary relief, but it often costs you the chance to rebuild anything meaningful later.
There are ways that are effective in getting an ex back, like the No Contact Rule, but an emotional outpouring of your feelings is certainly not one of them.
Watch my video above for more information along with suggestions on how to get your ex back in your situation.
My Emergency Breakup Kit expands on this and provides more sophisticated strategies that work to get your ex back. After you access the kit, you’ll be surprised at how much someone can learn about getting an ex back after two decades in the relationship-recovery service.
-Coach Lee
Should I tell my ex how I feel if I want them back?
Not usually. Right after a breakup, telling your ex how much you love them often increases pressure and makes them pull away. Your goal is to lower pressure, not raise it.
Will telling my ex I love them make them come back?
In movies it works, but in real life it often backfires. If your ex is already unsure or emotionally shut down, a love confession usually feels overwhelming, not romantic.
Why does telling my ex my feelings push them away?
Because it highlights an imbalance. If you appear more invested than they are, it can make them feel cornered and even more certain they need distance.
Is it ever a good idea to express my feelings to an ex?
Only when the timing is right, meaning your ex is already open, warm, and engaging with you again. If they are cold, distant, or defensive, it is usually the wrong moment.
What should I do instead of telling my ex how I feel?
Give them space and let absence do its work. Calm restraint protects your dignity and keeps you from creating a “last impression” that feels needy or emotional.
How long should I wait before talking about feelings after a breakup?
There is no perfect timeline, but it should be after emotions settle and your ex is no longer defensive. If they have not reached out and are still closed off, bringing up feelings is premature.
Does no contact work better than an emotional message?
Most of the time, yes. No contact removes pressure and allows your ex to feel the reality of losing you, which is what creates curiosity and missing.
What if my ex is dating someone else? Should I still tell them how I feel?
No. If your ex is with someone else, confessing feelings tends to make you look like a backup plan and can even become something they share with their new partner.
What is the biggest mistake people make after a breakup?
Trying to convince their ex with emotion. The more you plead and explain, the more you reassure them that they can leave without losing yo
