This is Coach Lee and i’m going to talk to you about when your ex realizes they made a mistake by breaking up with you.
Most people are too absolutist when they cling onto statements made by their ex.
I’ll give you an example: If you’re watching this video, you have been broken up with most likely and you’re wanting to get your ex back. At one point, your ex probably told you, “I will never leave you. I’ll always love you.” and/or “We’ll get married.” “We’ll be together forever.”
Something like that and you will make a mistake often of almost presenting that to them in sort of a gotcha moment as though it’s a contract.
“You said you’d always love me, so you can’t dump me!”
It feels right in the moment because you’re actually saying, “Why did you tell me this? I held on to this and now it’s being yanked out from underneath me!”
So it’s more of an emotional statement than a contractual one or a logical one because we know that sometimes things change unfortunately.
And if your ex told you something like that, like they would always love you, they would never leave you but then they did, you realize that something changed.
But it takes you a while to realize that and you kind of push at them about that.
You almost feel like, if you could just have a good talk with them, you could remind them of what they said and you can sort of checkmate them with that, where they have to stay with you.
But later on, it’s interesting because you will often turn to another statement which was said at the breakup, something like “We should see other people,” “We should break up,” “It’s not you, it’s me,” or “I don’t see us getting back together,” and we will treat those as an absolutist statement as well.
My ex said “we’re never getting back together,” therefore it’s over and they’re not coming back.
Or my ex said that there’s “no chance that we’ll get back together” so it’s over, when the best thing that you can do for yourself is to realize that your ex has changed from one to the other, which means they can change back.
Now i realize there’s some problems with that. For example, you could say that you don’t want someone who just constantly goes from one to the other.
Of course you don’t and with the right relationship dynamics and two people working on themselves in the relationship, you can prevent that from being the case.
But let’s handle one problem at a time and that problem is, you want your ex back and you want to know what it’s like when they realize they want you back.
So it doesn’t always happen and I’m going to say that again.
It doesn’t always happen, but a lot of the time, especially if the relationship was good and your breakup response was not awful, it happens that your ex realizes they made a mistake that the breakup itself was a mistake.
This realization comes from them doubting it, which often comes when they are concerned that you could move on and they could lose you.
So you stayed away and they were able to get past the relief stage which happens when they get over the hump of the initial breakup.
They didn’t want to breakup with you because it was awkward, it was painful, they knew they were hurting you, it wasn’t something that they looked forward to (unless they are sick in which case you don’t want them back and you need to just move on with your life knowing you are much better off) but if they are a normal, healthy person and they care about people in general and care about you because they had a relationship with you, then they didn’t want to hurt you.
So they get over the hump of the breakup and they feel relieved that they got the breakup over.
This is what they wanted and now they can ride off into the sunset, maybe find someone else or just get to experience being single for a little bit – they don’t even know most of the time.
They just know there’s relief. They feel like they got it over with and you let them get through that (instead of lingering in it) because you don’t contact them.
Now most of you are thinking, “u”Uh-oh!”
I get it. Maybe you delayed their relief period for a bit.
I talk about this in my video stages your ex goes through during no contact but if you broke no contact, then you delayed them a little bit, but eventually you went into no contact, you allowed them that relief, and they get into those other stages and they realize that if they wanted you back, it might not be a simple text message or call to get you back (which is what they assume right after the breakup because dumpers are pretty arrogant).
Dumping you was quite the ego stroke even though, again, it’s not something that they enjoyed doing, but they feel like a supermodel walking away from you because they were the ones to break up with you.
That means they’re more attractive and that means they’re sexier – that’s kind of how it feels even though your ex may be a great person who’s not arrogant and wouldn’t feel that way but that’s how they feel because they put themselves in that position by being the one who broke up with you.
And so when they get to this point where they’re able to look back at some period of time, it has to kind of register logically which is why I tell you that 30 days is usually not enough time to get an ex back
I don’t believe in the so-called “30 day no contact rule.”
Some exes come back after 30 days, but for most, it’s not enough time. It’s going to need to be 45 days or more and usually more (like two and a half months) but they need a period of time where they can look back because it occurs to them they haven’t heard from you, they haven’t gotten a text from you, they haven’t gotten a call from you. “How long has it been? I’m just going to check my phone.”
It’s been 50 days, it’s been 30 days, it’s been 40 days.
At this point, it’s unlikely that they would just automatically reach out to you.
If they did then it’s likely going to be casual and kind of a “Hey, what’s up?” type of thing.
There’s just going to be a little bit of a touching base like “What’s going on?” because they’re a little bit curious and they’re testing the water a little bit.
Now you may think that you shouldn’t respond, but ignoring your ex is not good and will most likely result in your ex being less likely to contact you again.
Why? Because people don’t like rejection (shocker!) and if your ex believes that you are simply going to ignore them, they will not put themselves through that again. I’ve seen it again and again where someone gets bad advice from someone claiming to be a “coach” and so they ignore their ex. Then they are on the phone with one of my coaches because it’s been many months and they haven’t heard a peep from their ex. I wonder why?
When they reach out to you, I suggest that you respond casually, but politely. I don’t suggest that you initiate contact with your ex. When you initiate, that only comforts them and boosts their ego just like breaking up with you.
It puts them higher on the attraction totem pole as far as they see it. Being the one to initiate a conversation and then not hearing from you for a few days where you don’t initiate back – that’s something that can lower them a little bit because now they’ve become the one who is pursuing you even if it’s just a casual conversation.
Sort of like maybe you have that friend and you feel like you’re always the one to text them and maybe you have a little conversation but they don’t initiate texts. It doesn’t feel great does it? And you kind of wonder if you mean as much to them and if your friendship means as much as their friendship means to you. The same thing happens here.
So the power is by not initiating. Ignoring them, on the other hand, can really just pat them on the butt and send them down the path of moving on from you.
I know other coaches say to ignore them, but i would have to ignore 20 years and thousands of cases to tell you that and I would have to hate you and want you to hurt to tell you that.
So I’m not going to tell you that. I’m going to say that you shouldn’t ignore them because if they’re reaching out to you, you’re making progress and you’re getting what you want in that your ex is talking to you again. They’re reaching out to you and there’s some interest there. That’s good!
They’re testing the water because they’ve realized that maybe you’re not the easy get-back they thought you were. They are starting to realize that they can’t just break up with you, walk away, and then change their mind and get you back really simply and easily.
Your ex is thinking that maybe that’s not quite how it is.
They realize they can’t get you back right away, so it’s not going to be them saying, “I have messed up! I’ve made an awful mistake so please please consider taking me back!”
That’s unlikely. It happens, yes, in a small percentage of the time, but usually, like most normal human beings, they’re going to start with something like, “How have you been doing?” That’s a fairly normal way of reaching out and so the idea that you have to have some epic statement of desperation begging for you back or you shouldn’t respond is ridiculous!
If your ex is even a remotely mature person, they’re going to start with something casual to see if you even respond to them and they’re going to try to wade into this and see if they can gauge whether or not you’re open to getting back together.
So ignoring them stops progress and makes them think maybe they can’t get you back.
And for some people, especially if there’s been some time between the breakup, then that can be interpreted by them as the relationship simply being over.
You want to give them just enough to keep them coming – like an appetizer. Not starvation because you want them to feel some slow progress. You want to show reservation. That’s when they can feel they have to earn you back a little bit which is appropriate because they should, they’re the one who tossed you aside and you should have some reservation.
You should be uncertain but open and that’s even a good way to tell them if they were to say directly “What do you think about getting back together?” I suggest instead of saying “Yes, absolutely!” that you say, “I’m open to it but I just want to take things slowly.”
Because if they get you back all at once, it’s like buyer’s remorse. All that build up and then it’s anti-climatic because it was just easy.
Yeah, sure, no problem. They can just casually get you back. That’s not what you want either but in that moment where your ex realizes and I mean deeply realizes (not just suspects) that the breakup was a mistake but internalizes that moment in time and says to themself that this was a mistake.
There are multiple negatives that happen inside of them. Fear is one of them where they begin to wonder if they could even get you back at all.
They realize now they’ve made a mistake. They wonder if they could get you back or if you have moved on or if you will be so upset at them that you won’t take them back.
They fear they have messed this up. So now they feel that they are in a position where they are depending on your mercy which is quite the flip of the tables and so they look back on it and yes they were right, you have not tried to get them back since maybe your early response.
All they know is they haven’t heard from you and they can look and see just to verify it’s been so long. There has been no pursuit, there’s been no reach out from you so they wonder if they have blown it to the point that they can’t get you back.
They ask themselves, “Have i messed this up and given this away?”
Your ex feels the step slip beneath them on that totem pole to where now you are the one who is more attractive, who’s sought after, and this puts them in a completely different position, yet another reason why they will usually ease into this because there’s some intimidation there since they realize they’ve made a mistake and now the power is in your hands.
Will you be someone who’s vengeful? Will you be someone who doesn’t forget and so you’re not even interested in trying to move forward because you still feel that pain?
So they have hurt you and your response is, “Leave me alone” instead of “let’s work through this.”
These tables just turn in epic fashion and your ex is laying there, night after night, if they haven’t decided yet to reach out to you, hating themselves, thinking “This relationship was so much better than i realized.”
You don’t know what you have until it’s gone but thinking they could lose you, having to relive moments that you two shared where they got to see the most attractive version of you because again, the no contact rule saves you from yourself at the moment.
If they broke up with you, you were your least attractive because of the totem pole thing i mentioned, but also because of the build up to where attraction fell to the point they felt like they had to break up with you.
Attraction was low and so trying to keep yourself in their life is just putting the least attractive version of yourself in front of them constantly and I talk about this in my Emergency Breakup Kit but what happens is that when you try to stay in their lives you’re keeping the least attractive version of yourself front and center and so you’re just reminding them why they wanted the breakup to begin with.
It’s when you back away and leave them alone that their brain will replay memories of the two of you even if they’re not fond of you at the moment.
They’re convinced they don’t want to be back together. Their brain doesn’t understand sudden absence and so memories will resurface that are not purposeful – they’re not sitting down saying “I’m going to go down memory lane today with my ex.”
It just happens because their brain is trying to fill in that spot because you used to be there and you’re not.
They used to have conversations with you, they used to have intimacy with you, they used to see you, but you’re gone.
The brain doesn’t understand that and it will fill in the gaps with memories of when you were more attractive because they were with you months or years ago and so you’re getting the benefit of that more attractive version of yourself.
It’s like taking the tired player out of the game and putting in some fresh legs to use a sports reference.
And you’re letting this other person do the work for you while you’re working on yourself to get back to where you were and even better.
Not just to get your ex back, but for you.
In conversations that i’ve had with people who did the dumping and now want their ex back, often times they don’t know what to do.
After all, there’s not really a playbook for this. You can’t open up some scripture somewhere and it says:
And lo when you have dumped this person and realize your error, you should contact them and beg them to take you back.
That’s not out there and people tend to think “Well, they broke up with me so they ought to figure it out.”
But do you want to play a gotcha game or do you want to get back together with this person?
It’s going to take a little bit of give and take from your side as well and they’re not going to reach out to you necessarily with a perfect “take me back please” message.
It’s unlikely to happen 20% of the time and maybe the other times (80%) they’re going to ease into it. So realize that if they reach out, it’s a good sign because something’s missing in their world.
Don’t Do These Two Things!
The worst thing that you could do is rush it.
The second worst thing you could do is be too cold and not let it move fast enough.
You want it to move a little bit but in these conversations I’ve had with people who did the dumping, a lot of times they’ll even say “I was so stupid!”
They get it, but in these situations, so much of the time they don’t know what to say and when I suggest they should just reach out and tell their ex that they’re sorry and to ask them to please consider taking them back, a lot of times that sounds crazy to them.
And I usually say it so that just reaching out seems a little bit easier to them but that’s what usually they want to do is just reach out and kind of see how you’re doing by asking if you’re doing all right or “what’s going on now?”
Sometimes they just want to see if you’re still there on the hook and if you’re still in the game and that’s a little tricky because if you don’t respond to them you can lose them and make them think that you have moved on.
I mean, who wants to be rejected continually by texting and not getting a response? Who’s going to do that?
So that’s a risk but the other risk is that they feel like you’re there, so they don’t have to worry too much, but you go into phase two of no contact where you don’t initiate and they will notice.
That’s where the power is – in phase two – and sometimes it can be stagnant it can take longer than you want it to. I understand that but just know you kind of have to work your ex through the next level where they have that concern but it’s not to the point where they really feel like if they don’t get you back, they could lose you.
The not initiating part where they can go a week or two and realize that if they don’t say something that they are not hearing from you – that’s where some of that power is.
So just keep that in mind. This is not always perfect. It’s not always clean and simple but once your ex gets to that point where they fear they could lose you and that they’ve made a mistake, that’s where things can really be good and a lot of times, it’s only a matter of time.
I have a video called No Contact and the Power of Time which would be great for you to watch because it talks about how time is on your side even though it feels like your ex is getting away from you.
Time is usually on your side and I know that it’s not in every situation. Not every ex will come back but in my Emergency Breakup Kit I talk about the fact that all you can do is all you can do.
All you can do is your best. You can put yourself in the best position to get your ex back and take it one day at a time.
No matter what, I wish you the very best.