I’m going to tell you what makes your ex realize they love you.
Now, this is after they’ve broken up with you and people will often say, “I don’t want someone who could break up with me,” which I understand but at the same time, we are all human. We all make mistakes. And sometimes we lose sight of things.
Sometimes we don’t even know what we want.
So what I’m saying is that if you want your ex back, you will probably hear people say, “You don’t ever want to take them back because they could do this to you again.” And while I agree that you don’t want to be with someone who does not want to be with you, it’s quite a different matter when the other person comes to realize how they actually feel about you.
And that’s where, yes, we all need to extend grace and forgiveness to people. No one is perfect and you have probably messed up in relationships or even in this relationship that you’re wanting back.
It’s almost certain simply because you’re human. And so the very fact that they broke up with you is not necessarily a reason that you just shouldn’t ever get back together with them if they change their mind.
So here’s why your ex realizes they love you when it happens. Here’s how it happens.
1. Your ex realizes it’s possible they could lose you
And after a breakup, of course, the thought is, “Well, why do they care? If they lose me, they broke up with me. It doesn’t matter to them. That’s what they wanted. They wanted to lose me.”
Actually they didn’t want to lose you. What they wanted was control, which is the exact opposite of loss.
As I’ve given the example before, it’s like a dictator who has all the power and all you can do is ask for mercy.
You’re in the position of loss. The dictator is in position of control over everything about you.
And so when you apply the no contact rule, when you stay away, when you focus on yourself and you don’t even make an appearance, you’re not caught looking at one of their Instagram stories or anything like that – that’s when your ex can start to feel that, maybe it’s not within their control.
Because if you were reaching out to them, if you were begging, pleading, sending gifts, talking to their friends, looking at their social media that they’re aware of, that’s where they feel totally in control.
They know that if they ever decided that they wanted to get back together, you’ll be right there ready and willing.
That may be the truth. I’m not asking you to change that right away, because that’s not something you can just change in an instant – it’s not flicking on and off a switch or else you wouldn’t be watching this video. But when your ex gets to a point when they haven’t heard from you, they don’t know how you feel.
So they’re not sure if they could get you back if they wanted you. And that’s different from wanting you back but it does give them a different perspective on the matter, because it’s one thing to think, “I don’t want this relationship” when attraction has fallen and they feel in control as though they are the ones deciding if the relationship is or is not. That’s one perspective, but it’s an entirely different perspective when they begin to think or be concerned that if they wanted the relationship, they could not have it.
And that’s when they don’t feel in control anymore. And when we’re not in control, we instinctively have a stronger realization of what’s important.
Someone who feels they could be dying for example, or who has a near death experience, oftentimes realizes what’s really important.
And maybe the latest clothes, the best car, things like that just don’t seem as important as family and relationships and love. And so the recognition that they could lose you can be like a near death experience for them. And they see things differently. That’s why, again, I say, consider giving grace if this happens.
And so the first thing that usually happens to turn the corner, to turn them back towards you is that they feel the loss, which puts you in control. And so the tables have flipped. Now that doesn’t mean they’ll contact you right away when they feel this. A lot of times that happens, but sometimes it takes more.
So that’s where I get into the next step of realization that your ex will feel that can cause them to realize they love you and want you back.
2. The revival of attraction
So a large part of how this happens is that they realize you’re strong enough to stay away. And some of it takes them looking at their phone, looking at the calendar and seeing it’s been five weeks, it’s been nine weeks. It’s been two months, three months, and you have stayed away.
They realize you’re strong enough to stay away, which is an attractive thing. So in addition to spurring the concern that they could lose you, it also raises your attraction some, and because they’re not getting that flattery, that ego boost of you chasing and begging and pleading, their attraction falls a little bit.
And so you’re getting these compounding factors here that are helping you to re attract your ex. And part of it is that after they feel the concern of loss, your attractiveness goes up and there’s goes down which is the opposite of what it was at the breakup, because when they broke up with you, the very act of breaking up with you, lowered your attraction and increased theirs because they feel like they’re the ones who are dismissing you and you want to be with them, but they are rejecting you.
Even if that wasn’t their intention and they’re a good person and they don’t just want to hurt you, they still feel more attractive than you. And so the revival of attraction is often what gets them over that hump to contact you to at least see if they can see you face to face. Cuz they’re wanting to try to figure this out.
Maybe they think if they see you face to face, they can figure it out. They’ll just see how they feel around you. And as I talk about in my Emergency Breakup Kit, this point is crucial. And that’s why it’s best not to ignore them because sometimes they can actually be turned away and they give up simply because they think they’ve blown it with you.
Why try, why keep feeling this rejection? It shouldn’t surprise you that people really don’t like rejection. And it’s actually something that can lower attraction. It’s the mystery that can increase it. And then once you get in a relationship, you don’t want to reject and you don’t want to give too much mystery.
You want things to be intimate and loving, but when there’s question and when they pull away, that’s when things are different, except for the rejection part. And you’ve got to be really careful if they feel rejection. It’s just all over the map in terms of how people respond to that. And usually it blows up in your face because the person just thinks that they’ve blown it, or they don’t want to risk rejection again.
And so you don’t hear from them and things are over. So don’t reject them. Don’t ignore your ex if you want them back. If they reach out it doesn’t mean that you have to respond with some sort of a “Thank goodness. I’m so happy you contacted me. I’ve been miserable,” but I suggest that you respond casually like you’re talking to an old friend that way they might feel like maybe they’re getting put into the friend zone by you, which is a different matter altogether.
3. It takes time
Because it’s not just a matter of them feeling that you’re not contacting them and wondering if you’re moving on. That’s certainly part of it but time also has multiple factors that help this along.
And one of those things is simply looking at it. They realize it’s been that long, but also it’s sort of like after a meal, have you ever been so full that you’re even nauseous and you think “I’m never eating again,” but you get hungry again. It’s because your stomach gets empty again.
And so, whereas when they break up with you, they kind of feel full like they’ve had enough of you. They feel like that it’s an easy commodity, that you are an easy commodity. And so there’s no desire to get more of you. And that’s why you interacting with them and continuing to talk to them about the relationship does not work.
They’ve already had enough of you. They don’t want any more of you right now.
And so you’re basically making yourself look less attractive because for whatever reason, they see you as less attractive right now. And so in that moment, you being around them more, it has sort of a repulsive response inside of them because they feel like this unattractive version of you is making itself available constantly and it can actually be repulsive.
And so that’s why it’s so important to stay away and let things reset. And that’s what no contact often does is that they start to feel like they’re empty of you.
They miss you, especially if you two had a decent relationship that was good. And this is really what makes the other two become more powerful is enough time passing where there’s this long space that has happened since they’ve seen or heard from you and so they are more tolerable and oftentimes they’re even hungry for you.
And so you combine that with the other two and that’s why no contact can be so powerful so often.
This post will show you how to stay out of the friend zone with your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend.
Note: This information is relative to you if your ex is reaching out to you, wants to see you, or if you are required to interact with your ex.
Ah, the so-called Friend Zone.
It’s quite a popular topic these days.
It’s often I hear from a coaching client of their concern that they’ll end up in the friend zone with their ex.
I’ve received a lot of requests to make a video about this and so it’s been on my list for a while.
I’m going to give you some important information on staying out of the friend zone with your ex so that you don’t make it much more difficult to get him or her back.
How To Keep From Being Put In The Friend Zone By Your Ex
FIRST, don’t accept friendship from your ex when they break up with you.
If you don’t want to be in the friend zone, don’t accept the demotion of being placed there!
Reject that offer from your ex.
If you want to get your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back, you shouldn’t be friends with them because it gives them the easiest breakup experience possible.
They get to feel like they still have you in many ways and they will have no fear of losing you.
The consequences of their decision to break up with you are greatly diminished from what they should be since you want your ex to miss you and want to get back together with you.
Here’s the deal:
If they break up with you, they need to feel and notice your absence and the disappearance of all the good things you brought to their life.
They need to experience separation anxiety and that can’t happen if you are still hanging around them and communicating with them as their friend.
If you truly want your ex back, the breakup has to be as real and difficult for them as possible.
SECOND, when the no contact rule causes your ex to reach out to you, don’t act like you are only their friend.
You don’t relate to them as a friend, so don’t act like one!
So many times people who don’t want friendship will act like a friend around their ex after a breakup.
It’s accepting defeat and you shouldn’t do it.
This is especially true if your ex has pitched the friendship offer to you.
Don’t default to a neutered role in his or her life!
Whether you are broken up or not, if you still want them back, you should relate to him/her in the same way as when you were dating.
That is, of course, if you still want them (and I assume you do).
That means that you don’t act bitter, cold, angry, or uninterested IF they reach out to you.
Again, this all assumes they are reaching out to you right now.
If they want to get together, you accept, at least until they start treating you like a friend – which I get into later in this article.
THIRD, don’t accept invites if your ex is going to treat you like a friend.
The only way you can know if your ex is going to treat you like a friend is if you accept their invitation and meet up with them (or if you invite them to meet up with you and they accept).
If your ex treats you like you are only a friend and that there is not physical or emotional chemistry, then you should temporarily refuse their future invites to get together.
You might give them two or three chances but after that, if they stand firm in their desire to put you in the friend zone, you must refuse getting together with them.
So let’s say that you are having coffee with your ex and you are refusing to act like a friend.
As I said in the second point above, you are not acting like a friend but, instead, are relating to them as you truly feel and not in the way they wished to demote you (as just a friend).
Your ex, however, is not responding in kind.
He or she is not flirting back with you, is turning away from your kisses, and otherwise acting as though there is no longer any romantic or sexual chemistry between the two of you.
Since you don’t want to let your ex practice being your friend or experience being in a situation where they interact with you as though you are just a friend, you should decline their future invitations to get together until you see some signs that they are no longer treating you as only a friend.
This would come in the form of flirty texts, messages, or phone conversations where your ex responds to your flirting by themselves being flirtatious and playful.
FOURTH, in my continuing list of how to stay out of the friend zone with your ex, don’t take them seriously.
You should approach your ex’s claim that they want friendship as though it is ridiculous.
When your ex says that he or she wants friendship, you should take a “yeah, right” attitude in response.
That does NOT mean that you violate boundaries or do anything inappropriate of course, but ideally you would act as though you see through your ex and doubt that friendship is all they want with you.
You know better.
Attempt to kiss them as you would before.
Reminisce about romantic times the two of you shared, demonstrating that you can look back on those times with joy and the expectation that similar times are ahead.
I have a great video about this in my Emergency Breakup Kit where I guide you with examples of how to do this.
The key is to paint a picture for your ex, reminding them of the great romantic times the two of you shared without being obvious that you are wanting them to remember and have an emotional and/or physical response.
Being playful throughout this is key. Interject humor and lightheartedness whenever possible.
FIFTH, on my list of how to avoid your ex’s friend zone, is to avoid defining the relationship.
I realize that after a breakup most people desperately seek the comfort of the relationship being fully restored, complete with the title of boyfriend and girlfriend.
But that title is often, as you have learned from this breakup, a false sense of security. Defining the relationship with a label is also an overrated concept.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t BE a couple or be “girlfriend and boyfriend.”
What I’m saying is that since your ex broke up with you, he or she demonstrated uncertainty and doubt about a future with you.
Therefore, you must let them be the one to say, “I want us to be boyfriend and girlfriend again.”
It should not come from you or else, even if they want it, your ex will feel that your investment is possibly or even certainly stronger than their own.
This will create the dynamic of them being the prize and you being the chaser.
Such a dynamic will most certainly doom the relationship and get you dumped again.
You simply can’t have them thinking that you are more invested in them right now because if they don’t see you as the prize, there’s little to re-attract them.
After all, your ex is not going to be motivated to get back into the relationship just so that YOU can have the man or woman of your dreams.
They will be motivated to get back into the relationship so that THEY can have the man or woman of their dreams.
So you have to let them come to you in terms of defining the relationship again and much of the other “relationship talk.”
Be happy to be with them in the moment.
Find joy in being with them and in the return of the emotional, physical, and intellectual relationship you had before – assuming that is happening.
There’s no need to rush to try to put a label back on it.
The risk is incredibly high that you will push your ex away by rushing or pushing.
So apply the principles of this post and the video above to stay out of the friend zone with your ex.
You can do it!