Should I Reach Out To My Ex After No Contact?

Attachment Styles and No Contact Rule

Navigating Post-Breakup Communication: When to Reach Out and When to Hold Back


Navigating the aftermath of a relationship can be a challenging journey, laden with questions and uncertainties.

A common quandary many face is the dilemma of whether to reach out to an ex after a time of no contact.

This article discusses this complex subject, exploring various scenarios and offering insights to help individuals make informed decisions.

The Urge to Reconnect: Understanding the Motives

Often after a breakup, there’s a lingering desire to reconnect with an ex.

This urge can stem from various reasons – a need for closure, a hope to rekindle the relationship, or even the belief that new information might change the dynamics.

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However, it’s crucial to introspect and understand the true motive behind this desire.

Is it a quest for closure, a hope to rekindle, or an unexamined impulse?

I’m not being critical of any of those, but it is important to know which one it is.

New Information: A Catalyst for Change?

A common justification for reaching out is possessing ‘new information’ that one believes could alter the ex-partner’s feelings or decisions.

This is a common feeling especially when you wonder if your ex could still want you but not come back.

However, it’s important to discern whether this information is genuinely new and impactful or merely a guise for re-establishing contact.

Often, what is perceived as new information might just be a reiteration of old facts, cloaked in different wording.

Your ex will recognize this and, to be honest, you likely won’t like their reaction.

The Dynamics of Breakups and Reconciliation

Understanding the nature of breakups is crucial.

Often, the decision to end the relationship is a result of deep-seated issues or a significant decline in emotional or physical attraction.

In such cases, presenting new information or reiterating your feelings likely will not influence the fundamental reasons behind the breakup.

I understand that it doesn’t feel that way, but my attempt to reason with you is to point at the thousands of cases that I have professionally observed.

The results aren’t even close.

That’s why I’m encouraging you to not buy into your hopes that sharing a new revelation with them would be the trick to win them back.

I don’t have joy in telling you that the odds of that working are abysmal.

I understand that you might feel you have new information or a new way of saying what you have said before and one top of that, you might be feeling desperate.

Please take it from me that with those emotions, you aren’t in the best place to make a logical decision.

The No Contact Rule: A Psychological Perspective

I often encourage use of the ‘No Contact’ rule after someone breaks up with you.

This rule entails a complete cending of communication with your ex.

This period of no contact is not just about physical distance but also about emotional detachment, providing a space for introspection and personal growth.

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Seeking Closure vs. Seeking Reconciliation

Post-breakup communication can be driven by two distinct desires – seeking closure or seeking reconciliation.

It’s vital to distinguish between these two.

Seeking closure is about understanding and accepting the end of the relationship, while seeking reconciliation is about wanting to resume the relationship.

Misinterpreting these can lead to further emotional turmoil.

Respecting Your Ex’s Perspective

Post-breakup, it’s essential to respect your ex-partner’s feelings and decisions.

I know that you are asking if you should contact your ex after no contact because it feels like that would do some good – and in some cases, it can if enough time has passed.

Repeated attempts to reach out can be perceived as intrusive and disrespectful of their need for space – especially if they have told you that they don’t want to talk.

It’s important to consider how your actions might be received and the impact they could have on your ex-partner’s emotional state.

Personal Growth Post-Breakup

A breakup can be a catalyst for personal growth and self-improvement. This period should be used to reflect on personal shortcomings and areas for improvement, rather than focusing solely on getting back together.

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Demonstrating personal growth to an ex-partner should not be the primary motivation for change; rather, it should be a journey undertaken for oneself.

Social Media: A Double-Edged Sword

Social media can play a significant role in post-breakup dynamics.

While it can provide insights into an ex-partner’s life, it can also lead to misinterpretations and false hopes.

Relying on social media to gauge an ex-partner’s emotional state or to send subtle messages can often complicate matters if you are wondering if you should ever contact your ex “after” no contact.

I say this often, but I have to repeat myself to say that you should not fall for “indirect-direct contact” such as a “like” or if your ex watches one of your stories.

Direct contact is above those things and worth more.

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So if you reach out directly, it simply expands the dynamic that you will do more and are more interested than your ex.

That can possibly undo some or much of what you have accomplished in the heart of your ex through no contact.

So be careful and try to talk yourself out of it.

Learning from Others

Many people have navigated the treacherous waters of post-breakup communication.

emergency breakup kit

Learning from their experiences can provide valuable insights and that’s what I base my coaching on.

Often, these stories reveal a common theme – that reaching out, especially when driven by impulse rather than rational thought, seldom leads to positive outcomes.

Self-Care and Moving Forward

The period following a breakup should be focused on self-care and forward movement.

This involves engaging in activities that bring personal growth, seeking support from friends and family, and possibly professional coaching.

It’s a time to rediscover individuality outside of the relationship context.

When To Reach Out

I lean toward no contact being permanent, but I also understand that human emotions aren’t so simple.

emergency breakup kit

Therefore, if you feel that you have nothing to lose and that you want to see if your ex has any interest in rekindling the relationship – and to move on if they don’t, I get it and don’t blame you.


Deciding whether to reach out to an ex after no contact is a decision laden with emotional complexities.

It requires careful consideration of one’s motives, the nature of the breakup, and the potential impact on both parties involved.

Ultimately, the journey post-breakup should be one of personal growth, healing, and introspection, paving the way for healthier relationships in the future, whether with the ex-partner or someone new.

About Coach Lee

Coach Lee, Master of Marriage & Family Counseling, helps people save relationships. He developed the Emergency Breakup Kit, a powerful guide to winning back an ex. Get information on the Kit by Clicking Here! If your MARRIAGE is struggling, get his free mini-course on saving a marriage.

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