Understanding the Complex Dynamics of Your Ex’s Desire
Breakups are emotionally challenging, leaving us with questions that seem impossible to answer.
One common dilemma many people face is the confusing situation where their ex-partner appears to want them, miss them, and desire them, yet they hesitate to return to the relationship.
In this article as in the video above, I will explore the intricacies of this situation and offer insights into the possible reasons behind it.
We’ll delve into the psychological and emotional factors that could be at play, shedding light on why your ex may not be coming back despite their apparent desire.
- Consider Your Ex’s Life Goals and Expectations
One fundamental aspect to contemplate is your ex’s life goals and expectations.
Often times, individuals have specific ambitions and dreams that they believe will fulfill them.
These aspirations might revolve around their career, education, or personal development, and they may be convinced that pursuing these goals is the key to “a happy life.”
In modern society, individualism is heavily promoted, sometimes to the detriment of romantic relationships.
People are encouraged to prioritize their personal objectives over their relationships, fearing that a partnership might hinder their individual progress. However, it’s crucial to recognize that a loving relationship can enhance one’s life rather than hold them back for in it you gain a supporter, encourager, nuturer, someone to help in case of emergency, the true intimacy of deeply knowing someone, the support system for raising children, and on and on.
What is the motivation behind the war on relationships? That is for another time.
Your ex may genuinely want you and miss the relationship you shared, but societal pressures and personal aspirations may lead them to believe they must prioritize other pursuits or that a relationship will hold them back.
The challenge lies in helping individuals realize that a fulfilling relationship can acturally complement their individual goals rather than hinder them.
- The Difference Between Wanting and Taking Action
Desire is one thing; taking action is another.
Women sometimes become comfortable with wanting something without actively pursuing it because in our society they are told to wait on a man to approach, ask you out, make the first move, etc.
In many cases, women are taught to be passive and allow men to take the initiative in pursuing them. (That shouldn’t mean that she appear uninterested or that she doesn’t compliment him, show desire, etc. – especially once there is a relationship).
However, when a breakup occurs, the dynamics change. The person who initiated the breakup has the responsibility to communicate their intentions clearly.
It doesn’t matter what sex you are, all that matters is who left because that is the one who must work to bridge the gap after deciding that he/she wants the relationship back.
The exception to that is if the breakup happened because of a haneous betrayal such as cheating, physical attack, regular rejection, or true neglect.
It’s essential to assert your boundaries and not succumb to the emotional turmoil of the breakup.
If your ex truly desires a rekindling of the relationship, they should take the necessary steps to communicate and make amends.
Because they didn’t want the relationship but you did.
They deleted the relationship even though you wanted it.
So you, the one who was dumped, would cross a line if you tried to pursue your ex back.
You would actually be exhibiting obsessive behaviors because you pass a line in the middle of the two of you that is called “interdependence” and it basically means that you are in a healthy, functioning relationship with each other.
But when one person backs away from that line and eliminates themselves from their position, you cross over into their emotional territory.
It’s not your right, naturally speaking, and to your ex it will feel awkward, frustrating, and aggrevating.
This will cause repulsion to where they just want you to leave.
When you finally leave, your ex will breath a sigh of relief.
Do you see how the dynamic is not a good one?
Your ex associates you being gone with relief.
Not exactly what you want your ex to feel simply because you aren’t there.
Some other coaches and even some in the media have called me a “manipulation coach,” claiming that I “teach people to manipulate their ex’s.”
People who claim that it’s manipulation apparently object to granting someone what they think it is they want in life – or don’t want in life.
Somehow, that’s manipulation…but continually contacting and going to them to beg you to take them back in spite of their previous statement ending the relationship.
It’s one thing to ask them to reconsider one time and you might become emotional.
That’s perfectly normal and your ex will understand unless they are a sociopath.
The problem is continually repeating your request to the point it seems like “brow beating” emotionally speaking and as though you don’t care what they want – you only care about what you want.
This activity will likely cause your ex to escalate from repulsion to anger.
I have a video about what happens next called, “Why Is My Ex So Cruel?“
- Was the Relationship a Source of Peace or Stress?
Reflect on whether the relationship provided your ex with peace and emotional support or if it was a source of stress and anxiety.
If the relationship was consistently fraught with drama, bickering, criticism, and rejection, your ex may have associated it with negativity.
In such cases, they might actually desire you but hesitate to return to a situation they found stressful.
It’s essential to acknowledge this possibility and to work on improving the dynamics of your part in the issues that caused your ex to walk away from the relationship.
Give your ex the space to consider whether the relationship can transform into a more peaceful and loving space.
Then they have to make a decision.
Your decision has already been made and so there is no reason for you to contact your ex.
If they wanted you enough, they could break through their pride to talk to you to make sure they didn’t risk another second where they could lose you to someone else.
- Relationship History: The Limerence Factor
People with a history of short-lived, intense relationships may be limerence addicts.
Limerence refers to the overwhelming, passionate feelings experienced in the early stages of a relationship.
These intense emotions can lead individuals to believe they are “madly in love.” You can learn more about limerence in the video above, however, when the initial rush of limerence fades, your ex may mistake it for the end of the relationship.
If that’s you, I’m sorry that you’re going through this!
If your ex has a history of relationships fizzling out after the limerence phase, they might believe that is just how relationships work.
It’s essential to educate people about the difference between limerence and the long-term commitment and companionship that should follow.
Divorce and breakup rates might fall.
- The Difference Between Wanting the Person and the Relationship
Lastly, it’s crucial to understand that there’s a distinction between wanting someone and wanting to be in a relationship with them.
A person can be attracted to you, desire you, and think fondly of you, but still be hesitant about reentering the relationship.
Sometimes, two people may seem compatible on paper, but when they come together, the reality can be quite different.
This is not a reason to give up on the relationship entirely unless you want to.
Instead, it’s an opportunity to work on improving your part of the relationship and making it a space of love, trust, and companionship for the future – whether that is with your ex or with someone else.
Navigating the complexities of post-breakup emotions is challenging.
It’s essential to understand that your ex’s desire for you may not always translate into an immediate return to the relationship.
Various factors, including societal influences, past experiences, and the dynamics of the relationship you had, can influence their decisions.
While it’s natural to desire reconnection, it’s equally important to ensure that the relationship can provide the love, support, and peace both you and your ex need.
You can also get information about my Emergency Breakup Kit and my Emergency Marriage Kit which will go into more detail and more situational details and will provide you day-to-day encouragement on how to handle this.
I hope that you can reignite the relationship with the one you love.
If you need help, get the kit.