This video provides letting go techniques to get over your ex boyfriend, ex girlfriend, or ex spouse in addition to other past trauma and pain. In this video, I help you learn how to let go of an ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend, past relationship, or trauma through the power of letting go techniques that you can use to move forward in life with less pain, grief, and emotional injury!
This is Coach Lee, and I’m going to talk to you about the letting go techniques to help you move on and get over your ex to stop some of the pain, and this is also helpful for other past traumas.
This first technique that I’m going to talk about – and this is an original that I have used for years to help people overcome the pain of breakups and trauma from their past – is the temporary let go technique.
1. The Temporary Letting Go Technique
Basically it’s where you say, I’m going to let this go just for today, or I’m going to let this go just for an hour if that’s all you think you can do.
It’s where you give yourself a break from it, but you also practice letting go.
That’s how you can be sneaky with yourself.
So you’re going to let go. Say to yourself, “It’s okay, I’ll come back to it. Don’t worry. I’m going to come back to the hurting and the pain soon.”
You kind of tell yourself “I’m not forgetting about it. I’m going to hurt again soon.” And I know that sounds a little odd, but you’re telling yourself, “Don’t worry, I’m going to come right back to this. I’m just taking a break.”
It’s like a vacation from your problems, and it allows you to feel some of the good emotions, and it can get your system working that way again. And it’s important during this, to remind yourself you’re going to come back to this. This is a temporary break because you will actually feel anxiety and fear sometimes when you try not to feel it ever again.
I’m about to talk more about that, but just know that you don’t have to go there. You don’t have to tell yourself that you’re never going to feel this again.
You’re just going to take a break. You’re just going to give yourself a day, an hour – a break from this, and some practice in feeling what it’s like to let go.
You can do this as many times as you want. And this lets me go right into number 2 in that when that feeling comes back after you’ve taken your break…
2. Don’t fight the feeling
Don’t try to change it. Do your best to observe it as though you’re an outsider.
Like you’re just looking at this, and you’re going to try to look at this as though you’re an outside observer, which is difficult at first because you don’t want to let go. You kind of want to own this and sit with your pain, and I understand that.
It’s almost as though you feel like you’re a little bit afraid to get over this in case they come back to you.
It’s like you don’t trust your future self. Like if you were to get over them and then they wanted to get back together with you, you wouldn’t want to be with them, and so you wouldn’t take them back.
And that makes you sad in this moment because you want them back so much, and you want the relationship so much.
And so you’re looking at it in some sort of a time warp way, where inside of you, deep down, if you really look in there and admit this to yourself. in some ways, you don’t want to get over them, and you feel like keeping this feeling in some ways is keeping them.
And so some people have had tremendous success and tremendous realization by realizing that the pain, the anxiety that they feel in their stomach, is actually them wanting to hold on to the relationship. And they’re afraid to let go of the pain because they feel like that’s all they have left of this other person.
I know that hurts, and I know what that feels like, and I’m here to tell you, don’t fight it. Try to observe it and even try to interview it. Ask the pain questions. Why do you feel this? What do you think is going to happen? What are you afraid is going to happen? Talk to it. Have a conversation. Try to figure it out.
And as you do that, you’re going to use the third technique that I’m going to talk to you about, and I call it the parenting technique.
3. The Parenting Technique
And it’s basically where you treat this pain, this anxiety, this feeling in your stomach, your chest, your throat, treat it like it’s the child version of you and that you are going to work with your adult self to talk to your hurting child self, and you’re going to speak softly.
You’re going to ask questions, why do you feel this way? Just like I was talking about. And you’re going to comfort that feeling like, “It’ll be all right,” like you know better, and it will feel like you’re basically dividing yourself into two parts. And you’re not really doing this, but you’re utilizing two different parts.
One part of you knows that you have had relationships in the past, most of you, and that they have ended in breakups. You have been able to get over them. You’ve been able to move on, and you don’t mourn those relationships anymore, at least not to a degree that’s life-altering.
And so you’re going to remind yourself of that. You’re going to share with yourself the stories of your past and how you have been able to move forward. But you’re going to do it gently. You’re not going to try to yell it. You’re just going to talk softly as though you’re talking to this child inside of you that’s hurting, and the emotion of that pain will probably bring about thoughts.
A lot of times, emotions create thoughts and it’s not our thoughts that cause us to feel these emotional difficulties, but it’s the emotions itself that create thoughts or at least create more thoughts. And so when those happen, you’re going to thank the child version of you. You’re going to say, “Okay, thank you for that,” or “thanks, buddy.” “Thanks, sweetie.”
Whatever you call yourself as though you’re talking to a little child and you’re just listening, and without trying to change it, you’re going to remind yourself of your past pain and how you did move on from it. But you’re just going to allow the pain, the anxiety, to just be there.
You’re going to sit with it and wait it out just like you would a crying child and a parent has left for work or they’ve left to go out of town.
The child is sad and crying, and the other parent is just sitting with them, waiting it out, being there for them, giving them some encouragement, but not trying to say don’t feel this way. They’re just listening. And it will pass.
And that’s something else you need to add to your repertoire. You need to add the knowledge that it will pass so that when you feel these emotions come on, you can tell yourself “It will pass. It’s passed before.” So I’m going to talk to this pain, I’m going to parent this pain, and it will pass. And I’ll feel better in a little bit.
Number 4 is one of my favorites because I talk a lot about figuring out what you really feel.
4. What Do You Feel? Love? Or Loss?
Do you feel love?
Or do you feel loss?
And it’s really confusing because when you try to dial it down, a lot of times, loss is the biggest part of all of this.
A lot of people have even told me things weren’t going well in the relatinoship and that they were thinking it wasn’t a good fit or that maybe they wanted out BUT THEN the person broke up with them and, all of a sudden, that relationship is all they want in life!
Maybe you can relate, or maybe you thought things were great, and the breakup totally blindsided you.
Either way, make a list of the negatives of the person and the relationship, and it might be difficult to do but do it because what happens is that when you feel the loss, you romanticize the past, and you make this into some perfect fairy tale where he’s the knight in shining armor, she’s the princess, and you’re just going to ride off into the sunset.
That’s what was going to happen. But then they left.
That’s what your emotions and even your mind can sometimes tell you, is that you have lost something so wonderful.
It was “perfect.” Look what you’ve lost! It’s pointing at the loss, not necessarily the love.
And so if you can make a list of the negatives and remind yourself of them. Take that sucker out, read it over! Because basically, when you feel this anxiety, you want to throw everything you can at it.
Go down every one of these techniques that I’m mentioning, use them, and be patient as you go from one to the other in your goal to feel better.
But the “negative list” is important because you’ve got to push back against this loss and this feeling that you’ve lost something so wonderful.
You have lost something wonderful. I understand that. A relationship is a wonderful thing, and you two may yet get back together.
That’s not even the topic of this post.
We’re talking about this pain that you feel and being able to move with your life during the day to do the things you have to do, that you want to do, and to emotionally heal.
So don’t think in terms of this is definitely not going to work.
Or, you could say, “We are not getting back together, and I’ve got to deal with that.”
If you feel comfortable telling yourself that, and that’s comforting, go with it. If not, then remind yourself that this is just for your healing.
Say, “We may or may not get back together. That’s not the issue right now.”
Say it outloud to yourself!
The issue is healing, and to help yourself heal, you need a negative list to remind yourself that the relationship and the person weren’t perfect.
It’s like stretching your muscles. You’ve got to get the full range of motion, and the same is true with your emotions.
You need to be able to feel that this person was not perfect, that this relationship was not perfect. Was it good? Was it okay? Maybe, but that’s not even the issue right now!
The issue is that you need to feel that this is not 100%.
This is not pure loss for you.
There are some things you can look at and see that maybe, just maybe, this breakup could be a good thing for you. And stay with me on this because I know that that’s actually a scary thought for some of you, but just remind yourself there are negatives.
It’s like pushing it one way to keep it from getting so one-sided that it’s not in contact with reality. It’s a flexibility exercise for your emotions.
Get that negative list.
Write it down.
Try to write five negative things about your ex.
Don’t worry, this isn’t desecrating the relationship. This isn’t saying what you two had was not special. This is simply letting you look at reality because no one is perfect!
And no, their imperfections do not make them perfect, even though your emotions will tell you that, and your sense of wanting a fairy tale will tell you that, but it’s not reality.
Make the negative list, look at it, and continually remind yourself that there are negatives and this is not purely loss for you.
The fifth step in letting go is probably the most challenging, and it’s going to create pushback in a lot of you who are watching this, especially some of you guys, but let yourself cry.
5. Let Yourself Cry or Simulate It
Stay with me because I know some of you men are thinking “I don’t really cry.”
I get that because I’m a guy and I coach a lot of guys, just like I coach a lot of ladies.
If you’re a crier, let yourself cry.
The tears bring healing. It really is a refreshing type of thing. And be sure to blow out your air as you’re crying. It’s therapeutic, and it’s almost like you’re blowing out some of the pain, but it can be something that is very healing for your body, for your mind, for your emotions.
If you’re not a crier, a lot of times, you feel enough pain to cry. That’s something people often don’t understand.
Just because you’re not crying, it doesn’t mean you don’t feel the pain. You just process it differently and you respond differently.
But do the motions of crying.
And I’m not saying do this publicly but go in your room, get some privacy, put your face into your hands.
So you put your hands together and you cradle your face in your hands. You sit with that for a few minutes until you feel like you’re done and like you have accomplished something.
And, this is important, you can actually talk to the pain. And you can say “There, I’ve grieved. I’ve had enough time with this. I’ve felt this.
“I’m going to get on with my day now or I’m going to do something else.”
And this step harkens back to number two, where I told you not to fight the feeling.
It’s where you basically tell yourself it’s okay.
Say, “I’m actually taking this seriously. I’m still feeling this, so I’m not giving up. I’m not releasing them.”,
You may even have to say to yourself, “There, I’m paying the price.”
Because you will want to grieve this.
It’s almost like you feel that you’re doing your due diligence and like you’re doing what you’re supposed to do in this situation.
So you kind of have to trick yourself, or you have to just go with it in some ways to be able to get to where you want to be.
So cry or put your face into your hands and then tell yourself, “There, I did it,” as though you are taking this seriously, as though you do get what the situation is. Because some of the potential difficulty is that you worry that maybe you don’t know how bad this is.
Have you ever had that moment where you start to feel a little bit better, but then you remind yourself of how terrible it is?
You do that because you’re afraid of not taking it seriously.
And the reason is because you’re afraid that if you don’t take it seriously, you won’t get them back.
And so in this way, you’re telling yourself “There, I’m taking it seriously, so get off my back.”
I know I’ve gone over a lot, and some of this is pretty heavy. I didn’t know if I’d ever do a post and video like this because a lot of it happens on coaching calls with a coach on my staff (Coach Ken and Coach Rex).
But this is important, and I know that a lot of you have been asking for help with this.
I encourage you to go back and watch the video above all the way through once more because there’s a lot going on here, and some of you might even have wide eyes right now as though you don’t even know where to begin.
Go back and write these steps down.
I HIGHLY recommend my Emergency Breakup Kit!
With it you can gain immensely from my two decades in the relationship-recovery service.
It is a powerful guide to help you get your ex back!