If you have been dumped, there are problems to texting your ex when trying to get them back that you need to know about.
You can mess things up terribly by texting so it’s best to avoid it if at all possible if you are trying to get your ex back. In fact, simply not doing it can cause your ex to come back to you.
Don’t text your ex. The following article goes over why but also tells you things to avoid if you slip up and do.
In person interaction is what you want, only after you have allowed them to come to you. But so many of my clients have already read my articles yet break “the rules” anyway so I’m doing what I can to help you make good choices most of the time to minimize the damage and keep your chances of getting your ex back alive.
Here are 5 reasons why texting your ex is not effective at getting them back and can cause more problems:
1. You have a voice. It’s their perception of you and how they read your text. It’s how your ex hears your texts in their head. In person, you have more control over that perception. You can be more playful, lighthearted, fun, and confident with the help of voice inflection, eye contact, and body language. But because your ex could possibly have negative memories, thoughts, and perceptions of you right now, your ex will read your texts with influence from that negative voice until you are able to change their perception of you in person.
For example: If you are a man and you have been behaving in weak, non-masculine, and needy ways, she will read your text in that voice. It’s not impossible to show your masculine strength in texts, but it is much more difficult than in person. Neediness is not attractive when women show it either when trying to get an ex back. Which brings us to the next problem that texting an ex can bring.
2. The awkwardness of texting brings out anxiety and neediness. We all have lives outside of our phones, though we use our phones to enhance our lives. Many times we get busy, distracted, or are showing courtesy to someone we are having lunch with by putting our phones down for a time (if you are not, you should be!). That period of time when we don’t text back immediately can come across to the person on the other end of the text as us being uninterested in them. Or if it comes across to your ex as too soon of a response, it could seem too eager.
If you are texting your ex and he/she is working, having lunch with a parent or friend, watching a movie, exercising, taking a nap, cleaning their home, taking a shower, at the dentist’s office, driving, in class, or a whole host of other activities, it could cause you to think that your ex is ignoring you. It is then difficult for you to show strength. The temptation will be for you to send needy texts like, “Are you okay?” “Why aren’t you responding.” Or the worst, “Did I do something wrong?” or “I’m sorry for whatever I did, please respond.” If you want your ex back, they should not experience you in that desperate, needy, panicked, and weak frame of emotion. This avenue of communication is simply poorly suited for trying to get an ex back.
3. Texts can often be boring and neutral because we can’t hear tone of voice. This point could better be described as, “how not to text your ex.” There’s a lot of small talk that can bore your ex to the point that they associate feelings of boredom, low energy, and even work to interacting with you. See the text below as an example:
We’ve all been there.
How vague and boring this text is and it’s almost as though it hits a dead end. So when/if you text your ex, though I highly suggest you do not, you’d better have something interesting to say. Again, read “The No Contact Rule,” to learn why you shouldn’t contact them at all if you want them back, but I talk to enough of you in coaching sessions to know that you give in and regret it later, so I’m trying to help you do as little damage as possible if you are about to give in. Also see, “Texts To Get Your Ex Back,” thought it’s probably not going to be what you think since there are no magic texts to get your ex back.
4. Texts can be misunderstood. I have had clients show me texts that literally ended their relationship. A mistyped word that they tried to explain but never really were able to recover from. A sentence that was taken the wrong way. It’s maddening somethings because it’s so stupid and needless. But that’s the world we live in. That’s why it’s best to avoid texting your ex if possible because your relationship is already on the rocks or you are trying to re-attract your ex. In-person interaction is the gold standard and that is what you should be using texts to achieve or set up if anything.
5. It takes away topics, stories, and conversations that you can have in person. Have you ever been at dinner with your ex and said, “I wanted to tell you about…oh, that’s right, I already texted you about that.” If you text all the time, you will run out of things to talk about in person. The in-person interactions are, by far, the most powerful, most attractive, and most meaningful that you can have. Texting can support those things, but should not replace or take away from those.
The exception is if you are in a long distance relationship for a time (webcam or Facetime) calls are best then), but as a general rule, make sure that texting is controlled, minimized, and a distant second or third behind actually being with that person. A phone call is actually better because than a text because it feels more personal, you can hear tone of voice, and your interactions are more like they are in person. But in today’s world, gone are the days where you just call. You need to “set up,” the call. A simple text saying, “Can you take a call?” will prevent you from looking pathetic by calling at the wrong time and your significant other or ex associating you with annoyance resulting from them not being able to answer.
I’m Not Against Texting When You Are In A Relationship
Wanting to text your ex is normal after a breakup. It’s also normal when you are together in your relationship. Some other dating coaches who I respect (and some who I don’t) teach that men, especially, should not text their girlfriend except to reply, set up a date, and then end the texting interaction. In today’s world, especially if you are dating someone born after 1990, that’s just not going to work well except with certain women who have certain personalities and/or experiences.
Some women will see men who do this as players. Imagine two people having a great first date. The two might even get physical to some degree or another. Then she doesn’t hear from him so she texts him and he hurriedly sets up a date and then says he has to go. She doesn’t hear from him for the rest of the day or the next day and she is the one who always starts a text interaction that he always ends quickly. That’s what some dating coaches teach and I’m here to tell you that it only “works” on certain women and even then is very likely to backfire. It especially won’t work if you want a relationship with this person.
For certain types of women, this lack of texting can work to a degree as it can set up her chasing him.
I do agree that relationships work best when women are doing slightly more of the pursuing unless they have been broken up with (in real life, this is as close to a fact as you can get when dealing with human interaction even if it’s not politically correct). That’s another topic for another time.
But there’s a catch…
In terms of a developing relationship, if she doesn’t hear from him by text at least some, she’s going to think he isn’t interested and the same is true with the sexes reversed (he needs to hear from you as well).
Early on, when her feelings are still mostly not established and in a developmental stage, she often will just ghost him if he’s not texting because she thinks he’s not interested or only wants to interact with her when they can be physical. It can come across as her not being worth the little things to him like texting since sex can’t happen at that moment.
Do you think that’s a quality she’s looking for in a man?
Of course not. She’s likely to seek validation and communication in some other man and never look back.
No one wants to feel unimportant and both men and women want to know that they are part of their significant other’s daily life – even if it’s just in thoughts. So a simple text every now and then that says, “Hey, I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you. I hope you’re having a good day,” is a good thing. It’s simple, yet it speaks volumes. Do not start off with a text that only has the single word, “Hey.” It can come across as immature and needy as if you have nothing to say but are wanting them to talk to you and carry all of the interaction.
Should You Play Hard To Get When Texting?
Neither of you should be “playing hard to get.” That’s a myth that has done more harm than good. Playing hard to get will make it hard for you to have a relationship at all. There’s enough difficulty, frustration, and anxiety surrounding relationships. Do you think a guy or a girl wants you to be difficult? Do you think he/she wants to rely on interpreting clues? Or will? They won’t. They’ll think you are not interested and will stop wasting their time. Why invest in someone who isn’t interested in you and is probably only going to hurt you? Again, I’m basing this on professional experience – not on theories that sound nice or are even politically/socially motivated. I’m telling you the truth.
Here’s the deal:
Early on in a relationship especially, when you have no history or relationship as a basis or foundation, if you “play hard to get,” the other person will simply think you are not interested. Since he/she would have little emotionally invested in you, it’s easy for them to simply move on and you probably won’t even hear from them again! They might even block you on their phone. I’ve seen it many times.
I’m certainly not saying you move too fast or be “easy to get,” as that makes you look low-status and as though your love, devotion, and attention is too easily earned. But the other person should know that you enjoy their company, have some sort of connection with them that can develop into something more, and that they cross your mind every now and then during the day. They need to know that there is mutual interest in seeing where things go. You should ensure that they know that. That’s not being needy, that’s how a real relationship develops and if the other person doesn’t think it’s there, they aren’t going to be more attracted to you as some people mistakenly think and even teach because they think it sounds good. If anything, they are going to pull back because they don’t want to invest in you if you aren’t interested in them in the first place.
I have watched this play out – this isn’t just theory. Texting is important. But it’s strong medicine and you should be disciplined when using it. You need some texting with your boyfriend or girlfriend – not a lot. And if you are trying to get them back after they have broken up with you, you will need to go through a period where you don’t contact them at all and there’s good reason for that. In some situations, not at all until they contact you. Read “How To Make Your Ex Miss You,” for more information on that.
Here’s What To Do When You Want To Text Your Ex
You are going to be tempted to text your ex. It’s only natural because you want to reach out and connect with this person. You miss them and the hurt of the breakup makes you want to spill your feelings and emotions. Part of you even thinks that doing that will make them want to get back together with you. Please hear me – it won’t. They know you love them, so that’s not the issue. We’ve already talked about that so I’m going to move onto some ways to talk yourself down and what to do when you want to text your ex boyfriend or girlfriend.
The most important thing to do is to remind yourself that there is a very good reason you are not texting your ex. Your silence is loud and is making a powerful statement. They aren’t going to forget about you. If anything, your absence draws attention to you even more than your presence and it draws the right kind of attention.
You want to get your ex back, so you are utilizing the most powerful strategy out there to save the relationship by using the no contact rule. Think of all the sacrifices you would be willing to make to get this person back into your life as your lover or significant other. You would be willing to do painful things, difficult things, self-denying things, tiring things, humiliating things, and the list goes on. So add not contacting them to it.
For the best chance of getting your ex back and for the good of the future relationship, your ex needs to learn the valuable lesson that they want you in their life and that they don’t like it when you aren’t there. The only way for them to learn that is for you to be out of their life and not texting them for a time. Yes, I know it’s difficult, but you can do it and you should.
To get my help with your specific situation and a tailored map to getting your ex back, schedule a coaching session with me.