This is Coach Lee and this post and video is for people who think that their ex is never coming back. Remember, I do this a lot and I’ve seen this a lot over the last 20 years, and so I’m operating from a much larger frame of reference than you are.
So, I hope that it gives you comfort when I say that I see a lot of exes come back in situations that are not ideal.
Just yesterday, for example, a man told me about his wife wanting to leave him and how he just applied what I said and figured he might as well trust it because he doesn’t know what else to do, and it worked.
It had been a few months, so this is not like, “Well, yesterday she wanted to leave and then today she says we’ll work it out.” No, this is a decent amount of time where she’s committed to the relationship.
So, these things happen all the time. That’s just one example of thousands that I’ve gotten over just the last few years alone.
Sometimes people will say, “You know, in the comments section, I see a lot of people who say that it’s not working, that they’re having trouble with it, or that it didn’t work.” And that’s true because if it does work, they’re probably not really watching my videos anymore and they’re not commenting even though I obviously wish they would continue to watch my videos and read my articles.
They just are kind of living their lives.
It’s kind of like when you go to the emergency room/department at a hospital, you don’t expect to see a bunch of well people, a bunch of people who are just feeling great, and you don’t say, “Well, everybody at this emergency room is sick, so clearly they don’t know what they’re doing.” That’s not what you say because you know that’s not how it works.
And yet, I will continue to see people in the comments say, “Well, I don’t know if this works because I see people in the comments saying that it’s not working for them.”
What’s really happening is that it works for a lot of people, and I’ll hear about a small percentage of it, but the rest of them, maybe they’re appreciative, maybe they’re not, but they’re living their lives with their significant other now. Things are going well, they have no need to get on my YouTube channel, and so they don’t comment. Obviously I hope that people will provide updates when they get back together with an ex because it’s encouraging for others and shows some appreciation for my help, but people forget.
It’s the people who are still needing help, or maybe even have just been broken up with who post comments about their struggles.
Sometimes I’ll read a comment and someone will say “it’s not working,” and then I’ll later see a comment from that same person, and they’ll say that it’s been a week. And I’m thinking they need to watch my videos a little bit longer to learn some of the time frames on no contact and the stages that an ex goes through after breaking up with someone IF the person they dumped uses the no contact rule.
So, when you’re having trouble, just say to yourself, “Coach Lee sees it work a lot, and I’m going to choose to believe that it can work and that good things will happen.”
Speak back against that negativity. The truth needs to be said, whether it’s believed or not.
Tell that negativity and speak to yourself and say it works a lot. “Coach Lee wouldn’t have told me that it works otherwise.”
2. All You Can Do…
The second thing I want to tell you is all you can do is all you can do. A lot of what bothers you is this sense that you need to be doing more, that there’s something else, some secret, some magic words, and you just haven’t found them yet.
You just haven’t figured them out yet, and so you sit there and you have all this anxiety and frustration and dread because you think there’s something out there that you could do that could get them back quickly.
And I understand why you feel that way, but hear me on this – time is part of this equation, as I’ve said before. It’s like baking a cake.
You don’t put it in the oven and think you can turn the heat way up and get the cake faster. You might, but it’s not going to be good. It’s going to burn in places, it’s going to be uncooked in places, it’s going to fall apart, it’s going to be a disaster because you rushed it.
Just like birthday cakes and fine wine, it takes time. Time is part of the process! Remind yourself of that daily, that every day you are doing more of what you should be doing because you’re letting more time pass. Good job, keep that up! Tell yourself that.
Before I get to point number three, get some more information on my Emergency Breakup Kit. Don’t put it off. This is a powerful guide, and it can help you get your ex back. It can answer a lot of these questions, and it can give you some encouragement on days of doubt, at least some direction.
3. Do you really want this?
Point number two transitions well into point number three in terms of doing all you can do.
Think about it this way – all this effort, all this emotional pain, this devastation that you’re going through, sometimes it feels like it’s more than you can take, and I want to ask you – do you want to be with someone who would do this to you?
And stay with me on this because I’m not saying you shouldn’t try to get your ex back, but I’m saying that when all is said and done, you will have either gotten your ex back and they have learned a lesson that they missed you and they don’t want to be away from you, that they feared losing you, and then they are now willing and ready to work on it, or you don’t get them back, in which case there’s less doubt in terms of the future and what you have to deal with with this person.
You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you or isn’t sure. You don’t want to be with someone who adds drama and stress and difficulty to your life and makes you feel undesired, unwanted, and unsure of your future with this person.
The best relationships are peaceful with each other. They don’t challenge each other. You know that’s kind of a cliche to say, “I want someone who challenges me.” No, you don’t. You don’t want someone to challenge you. You want someone to love you.
The world’s going to challenge you. You’re going to challenge yourself. There’s enough trouble. You don’t want trouble from the one who’s supposed to love you.
So no, you don’t want someone who “challenges you.” You want someone who loves you. And you know what your job in a relationship is? To love the other person. Not to challenge them, not to change them, not to try to make them better. Your job is to love them. And that’s what you want from someone else. Their job is to love you and not to make life difficult for you.
So try your best, even if you have to fake the words. Say, “This could be a close call. I could be being blessed by losing this person, even though it’s very painful and in the moment I don’t want that.”
So if they’ve left, sometimes it can be that you are that much closer to the person who would not leave you and wants to work on it and wants peace and wants to give peace to you and love you and not try to mess with your head, play games with you or make you feel like you’re not desirable or wanted.
So it’s really a win-win no matter what happens even though I know it doesn’t feel that way. You get this person back, hopefully that’s a win. Hopefully, they’ve learned something.
If you don’t get them back, you are that much closer to someone who won’t leave you and you will recognize some of the signs going forward and you are less likely to have to go through this again. And I know that one of your concerns is, “How can I show this person that I’ve changed if I’m in no contact?”
And I have a helpful video/post on that at “How To Show Your Ex You’ve Changed While You Are In No Contact.”
My Emergency Breakup Kit expands on this and provides more sophisticated strategies that work to get your ex back.
After you access the kit, you’ll be surprised at how much someone can learn about getting an ex back after two decades in the relationship-recovery service.