Your boyfriend or girlfriend broke up with you and you implemented the no contact rule. That is usually the very best thing that you can do.
Now you are wondering when no contact starts to take effect. That makes sense.
Here’s the deal:
As you might expect, everyone is different and it might take longer for no contact to work on one person than another.
As I tell clients when I’m coaching them to get their ex back, often times it takes mere days for an ex to reach out.
Other times it’s weeks or months.
However, there are some stages that are common to most people that can give us some idea of what your ex is thinking during no contact.
You can know when certain feelings might be occurring and when no contact starts working at highest level for most people.
The key point for you to takeaway from this article is that no contact could be working strongly on your ex, but they simply haven’t reached out yet.
No Contact Has Likely Already Started Working
Your ex could be missing you, regretting their decision to break up with you, and wondering what you are doing, but those feelings aren’t yet strong enough for them to reach out to you.
Your ex also might be fighting against their feelings of missing you because they believe that being with you isn’t “best” for them.
We could talk all day about why that is the case.
That is what makes being in no contact difficult on you, as the person who wants their ex back.
No contact can be working splendidly, but you don’t receive feedback or comfort because your ex stays silent.
I get it. It’s frustrating to say the least.
The First Stage of No Contact Working: Curiosity
The first and early few days of no contact usually put your ex in a stage of couriosity.
They wonder why you haven’t reached out and why you haven’t fought to get them back since most other people do.
This already puts you ahead of the game so to speak in terms of getting your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back.
Your ex’s curiosity will increase each day because you continue to be silent (that is, if you really do continue to be silent).
Your ex begins to wonder what you are doing, since they were informed of your daily experiences when you two were a couple.
They are used to knowing.
Your ex also begins to wonder who you are doing things with.
Their curiosity exists even if your ex is in a rebound relationship.
In fact, any new person will be easily accessible and informing your ex of their daily activities.
Before you get anymore upset about that than you already are, know that this type of situation actually gives you an advantage over the new person since you will be the mysterious, untouchable one compared to the rebound.
Curiosity grows and intensifies in your ex and ushers them into the next stage of no contact when it is working.
The Second Stage of No Contact Working: Preoccupation
Your ex becomes curious about why you haven’t reached out and what you are doing to the point that they become preoccupied with you.
You are all they can think about!
If there is a rebound relationship happening in this stage, your ex can begin to view them as a nusciance.
Your ex is preoccupied with wondering what you are doing and this new person is rambling on about who knows what.
Every time your ex sees a text or call from the new person, it only further fails to relieve the curiousity that still exists from stage 1 because it is not you.
In that way, though it starts off small, your ex begins to associate disappointment in the texts, calls, and even in the presence of any new person there might be.
If there is no new relationship, this applies to anyone who contacts your ex because your ex looks at their phone thinking it might be you but only sees that it is not – again.
Even if it’s just not what your ex expected at this point and not necessarily them missing you yet, the fact that their expectations are not coming to fruition will create a mild disappointment with every instance.
As it repeats over and over, disappointment can become the primary feeling and be a repeating, painful reminder of your absence.
As life without you begins to show itself to be an obvious disappointment, your ex waltzes into the next stage of our diabolical plan.
Stage 3 of No Contact Working: Fear
Stage 3, in the stages of no contact, is fear.
Fear of loss to be specific. It’s the dumper’s equivalent to what you felt after being dumped.
The dumper was in control and so they didn’t feel loss right away, but you did.
That’s why you hurt so badly and why you panicked. Whereas you ex felt mostly an artificial breakup because it was within their control.
They felt that they could get you back pretty much whenever and if they wanted to.
So there was no loss.
It’s like if you told me that you would fund my spending habits. I could spend all that I wanted and never feel any loss because you were backing me!
That’s to large degree how your ex felt after dumping you.
Since they “dismissed” you by dumping you, they figured they could easily get you back whenever they wanted, so there was no feeling of loss.
But that changes when your ex realizes that you could, indeed, move on with your life and be lost to another person or that you could simply stop wanting them back.
Your ex becomes afraid that they have permanently blown it with you!
They worry that you might have moved on and they lose the ability to expect you to reach out to them.
That’s when the pressure greatly intensifies. The groundwork for this was laid by the first two stages.
For some people and in many cases, this is when no contact starts working enough that your ex reaches out to you.
It often is a text from your ex that says, “Just wanted to see how you’re doing.”
Or it can be more direct like, “I miss you.”
Your reaction at this point is so important and key to getting them back.
There are other things you can do and situations that require other kinds of action that we can discuss on a coaching call. But just know that no contact can be working well even if your ex hasn’t reached out. Get my Emergency Breakup Kit for a focused, exceptionally powerful guide to getting your ex back!