How To Change My Ex’s Mind About Me

How To Change An Ex's Mind

These are some ways you can change your ex’s mind! Be sure to watch the video above all the way through!

Right before I get to the first one on the list, I want to explain something quickly to you.

Misunderstanding your ex in this situation could cost you getting back together with them, so listen carefully to what I have to say about this.

First of all. there’s a reason why your ex doesn’t want to work on it right now and that’s because attraction has fallen and because they don’t feel the same way and they don’t put the same value on the relationship.

Right now the relationship between the two of you is not as valuable to them as it is to you in this moment or as it once was to them.

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That’s why they don’t want to try again. They don’t want to work on it and so trying to talk them into doing that is actually making it less likely that you will get them back.

The reason for that is because it just highlights to them that they don’t want this right now, that they don’t feel the same anymore and that you two are on opposite spectrums.

And so it can only attribute a negative to your effort and I’m not saying there’s not a time to work on it or that there’s not a time to tell them how committed you are to the relationship and to bettering yourself in addition to actually being the partner that you should be and that they want you to be.

There’s a time for all of that – just not right now because you have to change their mind first.

So let’s get to that list of how you change your ex’s mind about you!

1. Save Attraction

How you do that is you don’t do the things that you do in desperation that lower attraction and make you look bad like begging, pleading, not taking no for an answer, going to their place, contacting them even when they have told you they don’t want the relationship, and those kinds of things.

If you can put yourself in the place of your ex, imagine being that person who is being sought after by someone you don’t want to be with.

We have all been there and while it’s flattering, it’s validating and it can really a boost an ego, you don’t become more attracted to that person just because they want to be with you or just because they beg you or just because they show up uninvited.

If it’s mutual, then that can be something that can move the relationship forward if it’s what you want as well, but if it’s not what you want, it only makes them look worse.

And you have probably felt that way if you think back.

If you’re honest with yourself you will remember thinking of them more with pity.

Pity will not bring about attraction and that’s very important to know because it’s tempting to try to do things to make your ex feel sorry for you amd to show them how much you’re hurting.

The remainder of this post is being developed from the transcript of the video above. Please watch the video to get the remainder of this content!

While those things are real and they’re genuine and I’m not telling you to be fake or unauthentic, what I’m telling you to do is to project strength.

Sometimes in life you have to go against your feelings.

You don’t want to get up today but you’ve got to get up. You don’t want to eat healthy foods, you’d rather eat junk food, but you have a goal you want to lose weight or you want to maintain a good weight and so you go against your feelings as you should.

We go against our feelings all the time. It doesn’t make us unauthentic or dishonest or players. It makes us people who go against desires within us when they conflict with our goal.

So if your goal is to get your ex back, then while it may be tempting to beg, to plead, to show up, to buy them things, to contact them to see if their feelings have changed, and other things, what you’re doing is you’re biting on a temptation that you could get it all back at once.

In many ways, it’s being impatient and that’s understandable.

I’m not criticizing you but what I’m telling you is, if you want your ex back, that you will have to stand up to yourself and whip yourself into shape in many ways in order to have that opportunity.

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When someone tells you “no” and you argue with them, that’s not attractive and that’s partially because you allow them to reject you again and again in an ongoing fashion and whenever someone rejects another person they’re lowering them on the attraction scale.

That doesn’t mean that whenever you are rejected by someone that that has actually made the situation worse, but it’s when you won’t accept it that it becomes worse.

That doesn’t mean that you don’t interact with them IF they are participating.

It doesn’t mean that you aren’t flirty and confident and that you don’t do things that allow the two of you to possibly develop something.

That’s not what I’m saying but if you have ever been there, either yourself or another person, and you’ve seen when someone won’t take “no” for an answer, what does it cause in the person who’s saying no?

It causes frustration, it causes annoyance to where they don’t want to be around you.

“Oh no! Here she comes again!”

“Oh no! Here he comes again!”

And the reason for that is because without consciously thinking about it, we know that attractive people have options and if you act as though this person is your only option once they have told you no, it raises them up and it lowers you.

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So it’s really that simple and so how you can save attraction is to give them the breakup.

However, in the breakup discussionyou can tell them that you don’t agree with the breakup and that the relationship can be worked on and that changes can be made.

You can say, “I want this and I want you to reconsider.”

That’s fine and you should do that.

It’s after that, when they have had those days when they have reflected on it and they are still wanting the breakup (and that doesn’t mean that you call and say “Hey do you still want the breakup?”)

They will tell you.

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People who give the other person the breakup they want are attractive enough that they feel they can do so and so that’s first on the list of how you can change your ex’s mind about you.

Number two in the list of how you change your ex’s mind about you is:

2. Defy their expectations

Now most of us have been in other relationships.

If it’s your first relationship, I’m not specifically talking to you in this moment, but most of us have been in other relationships or we’ve even seen people in relationships who break up and get back together every day.

So it’s part of life and one of the things that you have probably noticed is that many of the times that people are broken up with, there’s one person fighting, begging, calling, pleading, sending gifts, talking to friends, doing all of these things trying to get the other person back.

And so, in many ways, that is expected and so what if you defy their expectations?

What if you’re ex is thinking that you will reach out?

Do you think your ex expects you to reach out to them? Because if they do think that, if they anticipate and they think “yeah they’re probably going to do that,” think about that with me for a minute.

In some ways, is that not a demonstration of how they think that they are above you on the attraction totem pole?

That they think that you will try to fix what they broke?

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That even though they turned you away and told you they don’t want to be with you, that you will still fight for them and that they have that assurance that even if they’re making the wrong decision, that you will bail them out.

If that’s the case, do you think that’s attractive?

I can tell you from 20 years in the relationship coaching service that it’s not and that it lowers your chances.

What I mean by that is, if you meet their expectations like, “Yeah, I thought he was going to reach out! I knew he couldn’t stay away! I knew she couldn’t stay away!”

Then what you were doing is you were actually following the path that they assumed and that path is that you’re not as attractive as they are.

That’s why they broke up with you – because there’s someone else out there who they are more attracted to even if they haven’t met them yet (they assume).

But when you defy their expectations, it’s like a computer bug in their brain.

It throws off the equation, it throws off their algorithm that you would be reaching out because you’re lower on the attraction scale and so you would be the one to try to get them back because you want that so badly even though they don’t because they are more attractive.

Now they don’t think those exact words, but that’s what they feel.

It’s more instinctive rather than laid out in their mind, but when you don’t reach out, when you defy expectations, it can be a little bit unnerving to them because they assume things.

That’s why they don’t want the relationship anymore.

They assume that the future will have more of the same.

They assume that their feelings won’t come back, they assume that you are lower on the attraction scale than they are, and so when you do things that suggest otherwise, it calls everything into question and a lot of the time it slows them down and so that’s where people who sometimes in the comments on my YouTube channel will say, “No, I’m not going to do no contact because if you really want something, you have to go for it.”

I agree, if you really want something, you have to go for it but there’s a right way and there’s a wrong way.

To use a sports analogy, because I’m a guy, if you are a linebacker and that’s the guy who’s trying to get the quarterback or the running back, then why don’t you just go do it?

I mean, if you really want it, you should go for it, right?

There’s a time and a place because if the linebacker goes after the quarterback before the ball is snapped – before the play actually starts – then it’s a penalty and he can’t get to the quarterback and it will only hurt his efforts.

The linebacker has to know the rules of the game.

It’s not all about effort!

It’s not all about you trying really hard. It’s about knowing some things and being disciplined enough to stick to what you know and what you’ve learned.

Get your ex back with Coach Lee’s Emergency Breakup Kit!

So what I’m telling you is that defying expectations and saving attraction, those are important actions and you’re doing it because you understand timing and you understand that right now the mind of your ex is not interested in working to save the relationship or in being talked into getting back together with you.

That has to come from within them and it has to come from attraction being revived. And how do you revive attraction?

One way is to defy their expectations.

Before I get to number three on the list get more information on my Emergency Breakup Kit! it’s a powerful guide to getting your ex back!

3. Don’t talk about the breakup

Just don’t talk about it! Don’t post on social media how sad you are, don’t post on social media that sometimes people really let you down and loyalty is in small commodity in the world, don’t talk to their friends, don’t talk to their parents, and don’t advertise that you’re having a hard time.

As I mentioned before, it’s easy and it’s tempting to think that making them feel sorry for you will get them back but it actually won’t and I’m going to tell you really quickly why that’s the case and if you think about it, I think you’ll agree.

Let’s just say there’s someone who you are not attracted to.

You’re in a restaurant, a bar, you’re at a park and up walks a person who visually you’re not attracted to.

In addition to that, their breath is terrible and even if it were as fresh as a winter breeze, something about them just turns you off.

There’s nothing about them that makes you feel attracted to them.

What if they started telling you how difficult their life was?

You will probably feel sorry for them and if you’re a good person, you may even think, “Maybe I could help.

Maybe I could introduce them to someone who could get them a job.

Maybe I could help out in some way.

Maybe I could point them in the right direction and those kinds of things.

That’s what good people do, but you DON’T feel more attracted to them.

Feeling sorry for them does not turn you on – that’s very important to know and understand.

Keep that lesson, because the temptation will be for you to think, “I know this person still cares about me, so if they feel sorry for me, maybe they’ll want to get back together with me.”

They will feel sorry for you and they probably already do in some ways, but that’s not the same as attraction.

They can hurt for you and want you to feel better but it doesn’t mean they want to get back together with you.

Get your ex back with Coach Lee’s Emergency Breakup Kit!

In fact, it will actually cause the opposite because we are attracted to people who we feel respect for, who we admire, and who we feel incredible connection with, and if those things are no longer there, feeling sorry for them is a separate factor in all of this.

I’m sure it’s true that you hurt, but I’m telling you, don’t tell their friends that.

Don’t tell your friends that and don’t advertise it on social media because while it may make them feel sorry for you, it will not make them feel more attracted to you or attracted to you enough again to want to work on the relationship you had.

Where you’re going to have some success with that is going to be where you stay away where you’re mysterious, where you defy expectations, and where you can possibly save attraction.

4. Keep those inside jokes and inside stories

What I mean is that you will probably get to interact with your ex again.

That’s not true for every situation, so please don’t comment saying that it’s not true.

I never did and never will say everything works in every situation.

I’m saying that most of the time, people will see their ex somewhere and if you have followed these other steps, if you haven’t begged you haven’t reached out, you haven’t annoyed them, you haven’t decided to go against what they want, then it won’t be so awkward.

It will be a little bit but they won’t feel like “Oh no, if I talk to them, they’re going to start begging again, they’re going to start pleading, they’re going to pursue and annoy me.

If those things have not happened, they won’t think that way and so they will talk to you.

Even if you did do those negative things, if you stopped and allowed enough time to pass where they can see that you can stay away, when you see them, you can fall back on some of those inside jokes and they’re easy to bring up when you know the right things to say to guide that person in that direction.

You can just make one subtle little joke about an inside joke you two had.

Try not to overdo it.

Try not to do it over and over about the same joke but casually mentioning it or casually referencing it, especially if they say something that alludes to it like some inside story you have together just for a second to where they know what you’re talking about.

If you can do that, that is an incredible gateway to unlocking intimacy again and to going back in time in lots of ways to reignite some of the intimacy they feel with you because intimacy is when we have shared experiences together and when we don’t keep secrets from each other.

It’s when we know about each other’s day about the facts and the feelings of our lives.

That’s how we build intimacy.

So reigniting some of those things can cause them to feel a lot more of that intimacy that probably has been lost during this time and it’s a great way to leave them with something so that when you two part ways, they walk away thinking, “I have missed her so much!” or “I have missed him so much and I didn’t even know it until now!”

It’s because they get a taste of that intimacy that they haven’t had, so it’s a big deal to remember those things even write them down.

This may be a good time to do it because if you’re hurting and you’re struggling with the breakup right now, it’s fresh on your mind.

Write it down and get it out of your system.

Write some inside jokes and inside stories on paper just to have them, because in the future, as we go on here, it’s not going to be something that you should be ruminating about and just spinning in your mind about but go ahead and get some of those down on paper or in your phone just so that you can have them fresh in case you need them and just because writing things down can often really clarify and solidify them in your mind.

That way, they’ll be easy to bring up when you see your ex and I want to mention again for your own benefit that being subtle about this and not overdoing it is key!

Make a casual mention and then move on with the conversation or even say something like, “It’s been great seeing you but I need to get going.”

But don’t overdo it.

5. Improve yourself

Here’s why it’s different than you think.

You improve yourself in the ways you know you need to improve.

That can be physically, emotionally, or intellectually.

Are you self-centered?



A hypocrite?


You should always be working on yourself and the reason you do that is because if you do these other things, and you do have that opportunity to meet with your ex, you want them to think, “I was wrong about them,” or “They have changed.”

People ask me all the time, “How can I show them that I’ve changed?”

Well, the first step is to change and usually if it’s 48 hours or two weeks later, you haven’t had time to really change.

But I’ve had people say, “It’s been three days since the breakup. Should I call them and tell them that I’ve changed?”

It’s not believable after only three days or even three weeks!

That’s another reason that actually having a good long no contact period of 60 days or more is actually really helpful because they believe it when they see that you have changed and that you’re different because they think in two months that people can change some but two days or two weeks it seems fake and like you’re just doing it to try to get them back and that it may not be real.

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So work on yourself and you really change.

Lose that weight, become more emotionally strong, stop being clingy if that annoyed him/her, and learn about relationships.

Learn that relationships are about give and take and not always about only what you want.

Most of the people that I’ve talked to know the ways they need to improve and so if you can really do that, then when you do get an opportunity to meet your ex, they can see it and it will be more believable.

So the struggle and the frustration of figuring out how you can show them you’ve changed is that usually you’re possibly asking that when it’s too soon for it to be believable!

So allowing enough time to pass and actually making the changes (and some of these things take months to actually accomplish) makes you better off no matter what happens.

You’re better for yourself and for a future partner if that’s the case but you’re also going to give yourself the best chance to show your ex that you’ve changed and for them to believe it.

If you want a POWERFUL guide to get your ex back where I walk you through the process, get my Emergency Breakup Kit.

I truly wish you the best.

Coach Lee
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About Coach Lee

Coach Lee, Master of Marriage & Family Counseling, helps people save relationships. He developed the Emergency Breakup Kit, a powerful guide to winning back an ex. Get information on the Kit by Clicking Here! If your MARRIAGE is struggling, get his free mini-course on saving a marriage.

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