In this video, Coach Lee answers the question, “Should you seek closure from your ex after a breakup?” and tells you how you can get closure after a breakup.
Be sure to watch the video above all the way through so that you understand what is going on in the mind of your ex and the dynamics at play that could bring your ex back or push him or her away.
Do You Really Need Closure From Your Ex Boyfriend Or Ex Girlfriend?
First of all, it’s normal for you to want to get clear answers from your ex on why he/she broke up with you.
Often times looking back after a breakup, the relationship seemed wonderful between the two of you in your eyes and your ex wanting to end things makes no sense.
So you want answers.
You want to know if your ex sees a possible future for the two of you in spite of them initiating the breakup.
You might want to know when things started to fall apart.
You want the illusive prize that you’ve probably been told (and feel) will help you move on.
It might help you “move on” to some small degree.
But I can tell you from twenty years in the relationship-coaching service that many times your quest for closure will result in more questions and more pain.
The real question for many of you is, “If I get closure or at least try, will it hurt my chances of getting my ex back?”
Will your ex knowing you want closure, you telling them, and having that conversation with him/her increase or decrease your chances of getting back together with them?
Increase or decrease your chances?
Sometimes, in your situation, emotions can take over to the point that you forget to focus on the goal.
In this case, your goal should be two things (possibly both together):
One, to get your ex back.
If you’re being honest, that’s what you want most.
Second, to go on with life and thrive if your ex doesn’t come back.
That might be the “moving on,” phrase that is thrown around so much.
I know, I know, you don’t want to think about that right now.
There’s something else I want you to consider.
That is, you need to be extremely careful to be totally honest with yourself about why you are seeking closure.
Stay with me here and answer my next question as honestly as you can without bias.
Do you want to talk to your ex about “closure” just so that you can try to talk him/her into getting back together with you?
Again, if you are not completely honest with your answer, you won’t benefit from this content.
I know that it would feel good to talk to your ex and, what’s more, you probably feel like if you could just talk to them, that you could make progress with getting them back.
Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand that you do, truly, want answers.
That’s certainly part of it.
The Power and Danger of Verbal Projection
Verbal projection is when you answer a previously unasked question out loud.
Or it’s when you state a goal out loud.
The power is in you hearing yourself say it AND in then feel obligation to keep your word.
Feeling obligated to keep our word is part of being human for most of us.
It’s a good thing.
The issue becomes when you back your ex into a corner by putting pressure on them to answer a question like, “Do you think we will get back together?”
Or, “Do you love me?”
Your ex might say something just to get you off of his/her back.
The problem then becomes that your ex has now heard himself/herself say one way or the other.
What that can do, in some situations, is cause your ex to assume that’s what they really want or feel even though they weren’t sure and only answered that way to seek relief from your questioning.
Now your ex could feel obligation to live out their answer and to actually live up to it.
They could make a stronger attempt to live life without you in effort to keep you from thinking they are crazy or “hot and cold.”
All of this because you demanded the answer from your ex during a low point in their attraction to you.
When having those internal conversations, your ex could assume that’s how they really felt even though they might not really be sure at all.
Saying something out loud is powerful!
You don’t want your ex opening his/her mouth to say they don’t want a future with you or don’t see a future.
Or that they don’t love you anymore.
Don’t force your ex to speak something into existence.
Let it be.
I’m going to say it:
Closure is overrated.
You Lose An Element of Attraction When You Demand Closure
You know that drive you feel inside of you?
It’s fueled by questions and mystery.
It’s fueled by not having the answers.
As you might have heard me say in my YouTube Videos that curiosity (and mystery) is a precursor to attraction.
So that is a big driver of what you feel
It’s also a big driver of how the No Contact Rule works to re-attract your ex.
By asking your ex to give you the allusive thing called, “closure,” you actually eliminate a lot of curiosity and mystery for them.
It shows them that you are still interested (even if you say that you aren’t).
It also gives them a face to face with you that they haven’t requested, meaning that your ex isn’t ready.
You actually cause them to desire, even more, the first stage your ex typically goes through after breaking up with you.
That stage is relief.
The reason most exes feel relieved shortly after breaking up with someone is because they got past a painful, awkward moment where they had to hurt someone they care about.
Yes, your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend still cares about you unless you were cruel to them.
Even then, it’s likely your ex still cares about you.
That doesn’t mean that your ex wants to get back together at this exact moment.
But it does mean that your ex didn’t want to hurt you.
It wasn’t something that he/she enjoyed (if someone enjoys hurting someone else, they have major character flaws and/or psychological problems and you should stay away from that person).
And so your ex is relieved to get the breakup event over with.
He/she sees themselves as going on to something better and is just glad to get over the hump.
This stage is often temporary and is followed by stage two which involves curiosity about you. (After reading this post all the way through, you can see my post, “Stages Your Ex Goes Through During No Contact,” for more information).
Maybe open it in a new tab and read it after finishing this post.
But if you demand closure from your ex and draw them back into the pre-stages of a breakup, your ex will hate the drama and feeling forced to watch you hurt.
That will cause your ex to desire relief.
That will set you back.
It will delay you getting your ex back and will lower your chances some.
It doesn’t take your chances to zero necessarily, but it does lower them.
So don’t seek closure.
If the breakup was open-ended, fine.
Let it be.
That’s actually to your advantage in a statistically significant way.
How To Get Closure Without Contact
I know you want closure and I can give you some.
Here it is:
If your ex wanted to be with you, they would.
It hurts to read, I know.
I didn’t like typing it.
Your ex not wanting to be with you, hopefully, but not certainly, is a temporary state.
At the moment, your ex doesn’t want to be with you enough to seek reconciliation.
Let that be your closure and go into or stay in no contact.
It is far and away your best chance and the best thing you can do to get your ex back.