Is no contact a mistake? Is using the no contact rule a mistake if you want to get back together with your ex? Some people are saying this, and I’m going to answer that in the video above and in this post.
Sometimes, in order to get attention to get clicks on a video or an ad, people will say things that are the opposite of what most people understand to be true.
They will say the exact opposite so that you will stop and look, and hopefully, you’ll click. That’s what’s going on a lot of times when people try to say the no contact rule is a mistake, you’re just wasting time, it won’t work, etc.
I’m going to address that because, first of all, some of the people who criticize me, for example, for saying that, will say that that’s not the only thing, and that if you just do that, that it won’t work (that no contact does not magically make the relationship better when there was a problem with it before).
I have never said that no contact will fix all relationship issues, and I will never say that.
Getting back together with your ex is a process, and there are multiple steps to it. No contact, as I talk about a lot, is the first step.
It’s simply giving them the breakup. It’s a mature response. It’s to give you your best chance of your ex actually wanting to work on things. And that’s the issue.
The main thing here is that your ex does not want to work on the relationship right now, and that’s the cold hard truth. If they broke up with you, they are saying, ‘I’m done working on this’ in their mind.
Maybe they have worked on it already.
A lot of times, people in your shoes will think, ‘Well, they didn’t even try. They didn’t work on this. Why don’t we at least give it a chance?’ And I know that’s very frustrating.
But your ex does not want to work on it. And so for these people who will say, “Don’t use no contact. That’s the lazy way out. That won’t work. That is just wasting time.”
Well, it would be a waste of time if your ex was interested in working on it. And if they are, then by all means, there are other things you need to be doing!
If your ex is willing to talk about the relationship and work on things, that is a different situation.
However, most of the time, people are in a situation where their ex has broken up with them and that person doesn’t want to work on the relationship.
Reaching out to your ex in this situation will only frustrate and push them away further, even if you’re trying to show how much you care.
I’ve been doing this for a long time and have heard countless stories of people not listening to my advice and regretting it later when their ex became even more distant and uninterested.
It’s not attractive to try and force someone to do something they don’t want to do. In fact, it’s ridiculous.
If you knew how bad it made you look to chase, beg, and push your ex to get back together, you would know that it’s not worth it!
No contact is not about fixing the relationship right away, but about getting your ex to the table to work on things together (I suggest reading that sentence again).
This is how you can get your relationship back to a healthy place where you can grow and enjoy life together. Remember, no contact is just the first step.
And so, if you hear that Coach Lee says use no contact, and you want to start an opposing YouTube channel and you want to get some attention, you’re going to say that that’s ridiculous and that it’s a mistake because “nothing gets done when you don’t talk about it.” Well, duh, but if the other person doesn’t want to talk about it and they have no motivation to work on it, you are actually wasting your time by trying to talk to them because you’re being a nuisance and you’re annoying them!
And I hate to say that because you don’t want to hear that.
You want to hear that they love hearing from you, but in the moment they don’t, and that word is key: moment.
No contact is about timing, and I’m going to get into that in the next point, but just know that this idea that no contact is a mistake because you’re not doing anything to grow the relationship and strengthen the relationship, that’s what’s called a straw man argument.
I’m going to tell you really quickly what that is: a straw man is made out of hay. He’s easy to tear down because he’s not a real man. And so when you make a straw man argument, you are making an argument that’s not real.
You’re acting as though this other person, this opponent, is making a certain argument, and you tell what the argument is, and it’s stupid, so you tear it down very easily, and you act like you’ve just beaten him when you haven’t!
And so it’s a straw-man argument to say that I just say to do no contact and everything will magically get better. That’s not what I say.
What’s interesting about that is that a lot of the time, no contact is all that it takes.
Not every time, but somewhere around 50 percent of the time, no contact is enough to get the two people back to where they’re talking, and they just naturally do the things they need to do, and the relationship improves because really they’re working on it without knowing it.
It’s because they have been pulled back to each other, they’ve missed each other, the other person has seen the value of the person who did no contact, and now things are going well.
But a lot of the time, about half of the time, there’s work that needs to be done once the other person comes back to the table to talk about this, to see if there’s a possibility that this could work out.
Then work needs to be done, and I have said that for as long as I’ve been putting videos on YouTube.
So it’s a straw man argument to say that I say all you have to do is no contact and everything will be fixed. I don’t say that and have never said that.
As I teased in the previous point, number two is that no contact is about timing.
2. It’s About Timing, Timing, Timing
What I mean by that is, at the moment your ex is not ready to work on this, to discuss this, to be around you, or to be impacted by how much you care.
It doesn’t matter to them how much you love them or how much you care about them right now.
When they break up with you, that’s not the issue. The issue is what they feel for you.
The hard truth of that is that attraction has fallen, and it’s fallen for potentially many different reasons.
It can be that the relationship got boring, physical attraction failed, or intellectual attraction failed, and all these things impact emotional attraction.
Either way, attraction’s not there, or else your ex would want to be around you.
I know it’s tempting, but don’t overcomplicate it.
Attraction is pulling the other person towards you, where they are motivated, and it comes from within them to be with you.
So, they come to you without you having to beg or plead because they are attracted to you.
At the moment, attraction is not there in the way that it needs to be to motivate them to work on a relationship with you.
It’s sort of like if I offer to pay you something very small for you to do many hours worth of work.
If I say, “Here, you can have this piece of candy if you go work 10 hours out in my garden,” you’re probably going to say, “Gee thanks, wow, hey, um, you know, I’m pretty busy, and so I’m not gonna be able to do that.”
You don’t want to, it’s not worth it to you. The reward is not worth the work to you.
That’s the situation you are in with your ex.
The relationship with you is not seen as a reward worth working for.
That’s why when you say, “Let’s work on this,” it’s falling on deaf ears because they don’t think it’s worth it.
Why would I do all this work on a relationship with you that I’m trying to get rid of?
I know it’s difficult to hear, and I hate saying it, but it’s the truth.
So, no contact is not a mistake. No contact is your only hope when you are in this situation.
You have got to back away from them because they are devaluing you, assuming that you could easily be gotten back, that you are lower value than them, and that you are not as attractive as they thought you were.
So, you have got to back away and give them the breakup as your first demonstration of strength, as a demonstration of class and attractiveness.
You will not force yourself, you will not overstay your welcome, you will not stay where you’re not wanted, and you will not try to make something happen when the other person is wanting to go the other direction.
3. The First Thing…
The first thing you have to do is to give them the breakup and not contact them.
You have options and so you should believe in yourself more than that.
You know you are worth more than that, and the timing is miserable at the moment for you to pitch working on it or that you’ll change.
They don’t care at the moment, and that’s why no contact rather than being a mistake is your only hope in this situation.
Take a quick second and get some information on my Emergency Breakup Kit because I talk about this stuff in that kit, and it’s a powerful guide to help you get your ex back based on the principles that I teach and that I have observed for 20 years of helping people get back together.
No contact is not a mistake because it also helps you in the future.
Let’s assume that the person does come to their senses and they see that you’re strong, that you could stay away, and they begin to reflect on things.
They see that you have given them the breakup; you’re not trying to force yourself, and the dust settles.
They realize that maybe they were too hasty, and they start to move towards you slowly.
They want to talk about it; they’re considering it, they want to be around you, they pitch having coffee or something, and things are going well.
As you two start to interact again on a more frequent basis, you work toward the future together, and things seem to be going well.
What if you had begged and pestered and pleaded and you had shown up to where they work and you would not take no for an answer?
What if you kept texting, and they blocked you? Maybe then, you created another phone number, and you called and texted your ex from that.
Maybe you try to send messages to them through their friends, and you just wouldn’t stop.
It was day after day, and you were relentless in your pestering of this person.
What have you taught them? What do they know about you now that that has happened?
They know that if they do leave, that if it was a mistake, you’ll be right there by their side in case they realize that. You will do all the work and they will do nothing except tear it down. You teach them that if they break up with you, you will bridge that gap, you will fix what they broke, and you will make it easy on them.
So, they don’t feel like they could be pushing you away or hurting their chances with you in the future if they wanted a future with you at some point by breaking up with you.
They have no consequences of that because you’ll just be like a little puppy running along beside them asking for another chance. And that’s sad.
That’s not a situation you want to be in.
Your job, when it comes to attracting someone, is to do just that, attract them.
You should not chase them down, try to score points with them or pester them.
Your main objective is to make yourself attractive to them.
By constantly begging, pushing and pestering, you are actually teaching them that you will always be available to them in the future.
If they break up with you, they can do so without any negative consequences and might even receive an ego boost from you begging and peading as a reward.
This is not the type of situation you want to be in.
Instead, give them the breakup and do not contact them.
This is what usually happens when people break up; they are no longer in a relationship or a part of each other’s lives.
No contact teaches your partner that breaking up with you could hurt their chances of being with you in the future.
It shows them that they cannot just break up with you and expect you to come running back to them.
And it usually causes them to have to deeply reflect on the relationship because they realize that you are strong enough to stay away from them and might just move on. It makes them take things seriously and it works a lot!