In this article and video I’m going to answer the question, “Will your ex tell you if they want you back?”
The no-brainer thing I’ll say right off is that being dumped is difficult. In fact, it’s often devastating.
I’ve been there myself, I have been there for friends who have gone through it, and I coach lots of people as they go through it.
It’s one of life’s difficulties that most of us experience. Breakups are the single people’s divorce. It flips your world upside down and leaves you feeling deep, seemingly inextinguishable sorrow.
But, I can give you some intel from the other side. It’s usually difficult for the dumper as well.
The person who did the breaking up is usually going through similar pain and anxiety, often fearing that he or she has made a monumental mistake. This often comes as a surprise to the person who was dumped, who often assumes that the dumper flicked a switch and now feels little to nothing for them and is even celebrating their new-found freedom.
That is hardly ever the case. What’s going on in the mind/heart of your ex is often similar to what is going on in your mind/heart.
You are not the only one hurting.
Why Is My Ex Not Reaching Out If They Miss Me and Want Me Back?
This is one of the questions I most often get from coaching clients.
“Will my ex tell me or reach out if they want me back?”
It makes sense to ask, if your ex misses you and is going through misery without you, why doesn’t he (or she) reach out to you and end the suffering of both of you?
I get it.
Sometimes your ex will do that. Sometimes your ex will text or call and say, “I miss you and I want to get back together.”
As you can imagine, it’s wonderful for both when that happens. But I’m sorry to say that it rarely happens that way.
As I explain in the video above, we don’t live in a perfect world. We live in a world where things aren’t always black and white or yes and no. There’s a lot of “grey” and “maybe” out there.
Your ex might be fighting the urge to reach out to you (see my article “Is No Contact Working” to get an idea of the signs of your ex is missing you). What’s more, if your ex boyfriend (or ex girlfriend) misses you and wants you back, he/she might not have a clue how to go about making that happen.
The concept that your ex, who broke up with you, doesn’t know how to get you back might seem absurd to you.
After all, you are likely thinking, “This person dumped me. I wanted to keep the relationship and they know that. All they have to do is reach out and ask for me back!”
You know that and I know that. Your ex likely doesn’t.
In fact, your ex likely wonders if you’ll respond with anger if they reach out and ask for you back.
Your ex, like everyone else, doesn’t want to feel rejection, which sounds ironic to you right now since he/she is the one who broke up with you.
But if they feel that you might reject their request to get back together, it’s a large hurdle to them to make that request.
It’s a source of anxiety and even finding the words to ask you to get back together is a difficult and anxious task.
Your ex is likely wondering what in the world they should say because, as I’ve mentioned before, it’s not like your ex is an expert at dealing with breakups. Your ex has likely only seen a small handful of breakups if that (whereas I’ve seen literally thousands) so he or she has little to no idea on how to go about things.
Your Ex Might Need A Little Bit of Help From You If They Want You Back
If you’ve read my material or have watched my videos on getting your ex back, you know that I am a strong believer, based on the observations of nearly two decades in relationship recovery, in not chasing your ex if you want them back.
I teach no contact and I watch it work over and over and over with my coaching clients who are overjoyed and often surprised that it worked so well to make their ex miss them.
So by “helping your ex,” I am not saying that you should chase or break no contact before a certain amount of time has passed (more than you are thinking and no, not just “30 days,” in most cases).
What I am saying is that in many cases, your ex will reach out to you under the guise of asking, “how you are doing,” and/or just to “check on you.”
Very often that is their way of testing the water with you, so to speak, and trying to determine if you are open to getting back together.
That’s why I strongly suggest you be polite, upbeat, and friendly when your ex contacts you rather than bitter, cold, or sad.
Often times, that will encourage them to take it further and suggest meeting up or even directly saying they want to get back together.
The more direct and obvious reach outs are when your ex will say, “I miss you.”
If he or she does that, they likely feel that they are really sticking their neck out and taking a risk. While I don’t suggest you saying that you miss them too at that exact moment, I do suggest you casually suggest the two of you get together to catch up.
That’s because you can accomplish much more face to face than with text.
Texting and even calls are no match for what face to face can accomplish for a broken-up couple considering getting back together.
When you get together with them, keep things casual, slow, and happy. Exclude anger, bitterness, and sadness. For the rest of how you can get your ex back when they don’t know how to get YOU back, watch the video at the top of this post.
To get my help with your specific situation and a tailored map to getting your ex back, Schedule A Coaching Session With Me!