In this video and post, Coach Lee answers the question, “Should I flirt with my ex?” And if you should, “How do I flirt with your ex?” Or a new romantic interest?
Be sure to watch the video all the way through.
If you have been broken up with and want your ex back, Coach Lee explains what you should do when you interact with your ex.
Should You Be Flirty With Your Ex If You Want Them Back?
People often think that they should be cold and even distant from their ex when their ex starts reaching out.
That’s especially true when people are familiar with the No Contact Rule that I talk about a lot.
The assumption is that since I tell you not to contact your ex, that you should be cold or tough in your interactions with them.
Or that you should play hard to get.
It’s not true.
You shouldn’t be mean, cold, or rough on them (or make yourself hard to get).
The reason is not because you are trying to kiss up to your ex or earn their love with kindness, but because being rough or cold to them actually shows how much they got to you.
It can also discourage them from pursuing you, thinking that it’s a lost cause.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe in being open and honest with your partner and in being vulnerable with them.
But you aren’t partners right now.
Right now, it’s about attraction, showing strength, resolve, and showing your ex that you could move on.
While you don’t want to tell your ex that you could move on, you want them to wonder about it and have the potential to become preoccupied with the idea that you could and that they could have messed up big time by breaking up with you.
That’s where the No Contact Rule can be incredibly informative and eye-opening to your ex.
How To Flirt
- Assume the mindset of being playful because that is what true flirting is based upon. You are playing with this person and both of you are having a good time.
- Be playful in such a way that it invites your ex to participate. A perfect flirting game is one where you won at something in the past (a board game, picking the winner of a football game, a race, trivia, wrestling, etc.) and you are playfully bragging about it. You could refer to yourself as the “reigning champion,” or act like you forgot who won last time (or the last 7 times) and you are asking them if they remember even though you both know that you do. When the other person flirts back it’s pure magic.
- Always be ready to pretend like you suspect the other person of trying to catch glimpses of you (you know what I mean) or of trying to make excuses to spend time with you. For example, if your romantic interest (or ex) asks if you remember the name of a movie, a restaurant, or for a recipe. The key is to be directly silly or playful enough that they know you are kidding around with them. Part of what makes it flirty is that you both interact in this pretend world under a pretend scenario. You could say, “Look, I know you want to go to the movies with me, but you could come up with a less obvious way of hinting. 😉 The name of that movie was ‘Eyes Wide Shut.'”
- The key with competitive flirting and of accusational flirting (accusing them of wanting to be with you or checking you out physically) is to be silly enough to where they know you are playing. If you seem too serious or not over-the-top enough, it will just come across as awkward or creepy.
- Fall back to earth. In learning how to flirt you must also learn how to pull back and be somewhat serious or else, like all play, it will grow boring or lose it’s attractiveness. In person, pulling out of flirting and going back to “real life,” usually needs a smile, a pause, and a look away before turning back and answering their question seriously or returning to the subject.
- Always be on the lookout for opportunities to flirt but be discriminating and selective. If the other person is asking you a question related to a serious situation in which they are worried or anxious, first comfort them with the answer or otherwise before you flirt (or don’t flirt at all). Other opportunities will likely present themselves. You will get better at it with practice.
Types Of Flirting
Flirting is something that makes love and life fun and it also shows whomever you choose to flirt with that you can be fun, confident, sexy, and that he or she can pretend with you.
In many ways, flirting is like being a kid and playing games of pretending.
In fact, one of my favorite ways to flirt is what I call Projection Flirting.
Projection Flirting is when you pretend that the two of you have the relationship you want to have with them.
For example, if your romantic interest (or ex) wished you a happy birthday or even contacted you on or near your birthday without mentioning it, you could say something like:
Listen, I’ve given this a lot of thought and I don’t want you to go crazy on my birthday gift. I know that you want to convince me of your undying love and commitment but seriously, nothing with over a $1000 budget.
Based on how they respond, you could add, “Okay, fine. But no more than $2000. I mean it!”
Another of my favorites is if you two are out together and your romantic interest or ex boyfriend/ex girlfriend does you a favor like gets you popcorn at the movies, hands you a warm cup of coffee if you are out in the cold, saves you a seat, feeds your dog, massages your neck, or something like that, you could say:
Look at you scoring points with me so I’ll let you name one of the kids.
If you are texting it, add a “winky” face.
That is actually a type of projection flirting but also a type of accusational or suspicion flirting in that you accused the other person of trying to score points with you.
So it’s combo flirting and, therefore, even more attractive.
This implies that you think they are attracted to you in a fun and sexy way without you looking out of touch or wrong – again, because you are being playful about it rather than serious.
It gives them permission to live in that world where they are attracted to you, wanting to have kids with you, marry you, etc., without it being something they feel the need to deny or at least that they don’t see it as you being wrong because you are doing it in a pretend and playful way.
It actually, from a psychological standpoint, lets them try it on so to speak.
Almost like practice.
And if they enjoy pretending with you about having children with you, being married to you, or that they are trying to get on your good side because you are attractive, it can contribute to them moving more towards the real experience instead of just a projection.
It puts the idea in their head, demonstrates your confidence and ability to have fun, and it’s actually pretty dang sexy.
There are so many more ways and scenarios to flirt and I can tell you that flirting is almost always a good thing to do if you want to attract someone and that includes flirting to get an ex back.
I discuss if you should flirt with your ex or not in greater depth and give direction on what you should do if you want your ex back in the video above and in my Emergency Breakup Kit which is a powerful course to guide you to getting your ex back based on my two decades in the relationship-recovery service.