Having that one man who understood, inspired and complemented you was fulfilling, but life happened and he ended it. Now you want to know how to get your ex boyfriend back.
What if you could get him back?
You entertain this thought, but brush it off because maybe it seems and feels impossible.
But before you give up, let me tell you why you shouldn’t.
How To Get Him Back
Breakups hardly happen overnight. They are often the result of issues that piled up over time.
You and your ex boyfriend being separated doesn’t make the issues go away. You simply don’t have to face them anymore because you are no longer together.
However, jumping right into the issues will likely hurt your chances of getting your ex back.
In fact, that is the absolute backwards way of going about trying to get a boyfriend back.
“When you are starting over with someone, it’s similar to when you first met. Your goal is to attract this person and to get them to fall in love with you. That won’t happen if you approach them with talk of issues or romantically dreaming of a distant future. In fact, such an interaction with someone you haven’t seen in a while will likely just be awkward. You want positive interaction that can build over time. Once attraction and emotional warmth is back, the two of you will be motivated to talk about and work on issues again.” -Coach Lee
However, I’m not suggesting that you sweep the issues under the rug.
Whatever the reason was for the breakup, if you don’t ever address it at some point, your reunion with your ex boyfriend could only be temporary.
If you were the one who did the hurting, you need to seek forgiveness. That’s where a clean slate message could come in.
That is where you send a brief message admitting your mistake and apologizing for it.
That mistake could be that you didn’t respect his decision of breaking up with you. Maybe you texted, pleaded, showed up at his place, and begged for him back.
If that was the case and it hasn’t been too long since your last interaction with him, a clean-slate message makes sense (for a guided explanation of how to write such a message see this link).
Should You Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Don’t let your emotions cloud your judgment. If the issues are not fixable, you are better off without your ex boyfriend.
But if there’s a chance of working things out and you feel as though he is someone potentially very special in your life, you should go for it.
At this point, since your ex is your ex, you have nothing to lose since you don’t have him to begin with.
Have No Contact or Limited Contact With Your Ex Boyfriend
If the breakup just happened, the no contact rule is your best bet. But if there were kids involved, you need to keep your communication in check.
In the case of having children, only have contact with him concerning matters related to your children. The rest should be avoided as politely and casually as possible.
If you communicate with your ex boyfriend like nothing happened, he won’t feel the consequences of the breakup enough for him to want to get back together with you.
Basically, if you interact with him as though you two are still together, he can’t miss you or experience not being your boyfriend or spouse. If he still has you in his life in similar proportion as he did when you two were officially together, he will see no reason why you two should get back together.
So in the case of being co-parents, limit communication only to issues involving your kids.
He lost the privilege to talk about other things with you the moment he broke up with you.
If the relationship was mostly good, he will begin to miss it and to miss you when you are no longer interacting with him.
Don’t be rude. If he tries to discuss personal things with you, politely excuse yourself to plans with friends, chores, or be vague about your reason.
Get A Life For Yourself
A life together with your ex boyfriend might have been great.
You probably feel empty now without having him around, and you want him back to feel that void, but neediness is not attractive.
If your life revolved around your ex during your relationship, chances are that he felt stifled by you.
There’s little motivation for him to come back to that life.
Build new friendships, invest in your hobbies, and do those things you have always wanted to do.
Give yourself the chance to enjoy life and be truly independent.
Seeing how amazing you are doing without him, your ex will hopefully feel left out and begin to entertain thoughts of being a part of your life again.
Correct Negative Behaviors
There’s no perfect person on the planet. We all have our flaws.
Loving someone doesn’t automatically make you ignorant of their flaws, but you make a decision to cut them some slack.
However, there’s only so much you can take, especially if the person isn’t making any efforts to do better.
Was your ex boyfriend always complaining about certain behaviors you exhibited? He has his own character flaws, of course, but that isn’t an excuse to continue in your ways.
If he’ll meet the same behaviors that caused him sleepless nights if he returns, he’s better off staying away from you.
Make a list of the things you did that he didn’t like.
Getting rid of them is a gradual process. Avoid these behaviors in your interactions with other people, and measure your progress.
Have a friend or family member hold you accountable.
Improve Your Appearance
Your external appearance is just as important as your state of mind. It’s great to feel good about yourself, but chances of your ex seeing all of that positive energy are higher when they are attracted to what they see as well.
Work on your attractiveness in all areas – physical, emotional, and intellectual.
Get in a good shape – this is particularly in your best interest health wise. Work it out in the gym.
If you can afford it, change your wardrobe. Wear clothes that accentuate your physique.
Don’t leave your hair a mess. Have your teeth cleaned regularly. Some of it is basic stuff.
Look good at all times. You never can tell when you’ll run into your ex, and, as a matter of self respect, always put your best foot forward. Do it for you.
At Some Point, You Need To Know How To Reach Out To Your Ex Boyfriend
If you broke up with your ex boyfriend, you should reach out and simply request a coffee meet up.
That is when you will tell him that you made a mistake and that you want to get back together if he’ll have you. So your role is simple.
If you were broken up with, it’s more complicated. I go into it in much greater detail in my Emergency Breakup Kit.
It’s certainly not good to reach out before no contact is over (usually 45 days or more) and has had time to work on your ex boyfriend to get him to miss you and to reach out to you. But if that hasn’t happened after several months, you lose nothing by reaching out.
Make the move only when you are ready. You must be 100% sure that you are in the right frame of mind, otherwise, you’ll go back to square one in no time.
You need to accept as best you can that your happiness isn’t dependent on your ex. If he doesn’t want you back, it will be his loss and not yours.
With limited contact and your transformation, your ex should be thinking about you already.
“After no contact, even if you haven’t heard from you ex, at least he will be more receptive to you and not annoyed simply because you haven’t been abusing contact or bugging him. Your ex will likely be happy to hear from you.” -Coach Lee
If You Need To Apologize
Reach out to him to clear the air. I’m referring again to the clean-slate message.
A handwritten one shows that you care a great deal, but that isn’t such a good thing.
Yes, you want him to know you care, but it shouldn’t be overboard.
Text or email instead. Keep it short and simple.
Apologize for any wrong behaviors during your relationship and after your breakup. Let him know you have accepted the breakup, and that you wish him the best going forward.
Don’t say that you won’t reach out anymore. Just show him.
Breakups aren’t necessarily permanent. Sometimes, people breakup and makeup.
If you were broken up with by your boyfriend, you must give him time to experience the consequences of the breakup and to miss you.
Understanding reasons behind a previous breakup helps couples do better when they get another chance, but remember, you won’t get him back by trying to dig into the issues just yet.
My Emergency Breakup Kit expands on this and provides more sophisticated strategies that work to get your ex back. After you access the kit, you’ll be surprised at how much someone can learn about getting an ex back after two decades in the relationship-recovery service.