In this video Coach Lee answers the question, “Should I fight for my ex or just move on?”
Be sure to watch the video all the way through and then read the content below carefully.
At this moment, you and your ex are at polar opposites.
You are pulled intensely toward them and your ex is convinced that they won’t be happy going forward with you.
So if you are begging and pleading with them, you are asking them to do something that they don’t want to do at this moment.
It can actually come across as selfish on your part, that they should stay with you when they don’t want to just because you want them to.
Though it seems like you are reacting out of love, in this moment of panic and hurt, your ex likely sees you as being selfish.
To your ex, it likely feels that you are only focused on what you want and don’t have any concern for what they want.
It doesn’t feel that way to you, but it likely does to your ex.
So what should you do?
It might seem that you are truly in a lose/lose situation.
If you try to get your ex back, you push them further away by seeming selfish.
So there’s nothing you can do to get them back or even try, right?
Let me go ahead and address the naysayers who will tell you things like, “An ex is an ex for a reason,” and other little jingles suggesting that you should never look back or take any action aimed at getting your ex back.
“You should move on,” is probably my favorite.
As though you can just flick a switch on a serious relationship that you wanted to keep.
As though you can have forever plans, if you did, and just say, “Oh well!”
If you can do that, of course, that’s fine, but it likely means that you weren’t that invested in the relationship (and might not want to be truly invested in any relationship).
Most people who are in serious relationships can’t just flick a switch.
In fact, that’s more the action of someone with emotional and/or attachment issues.
But on with it, should you fight for your ex or give up?
Do you want your ex back?
Do you feel that the two of you have unfinished business and that there still could be a future?
Then I’d say that there is nothing wrong with wanting to try to get your ex back.
The issue is more the approach to this.
Your instincts at this point are likely wrong.
That is, your panic is causing you to think you must take drastic actions to have a chance at getting your ex back.
It feels like with each passing second your ex is getting further and further away from you and that they could be “moving on,” whatever that means.
That is rarely the case.
The situation is not urgent, though it might feel that way.
Time can actually be on your side.
In fact, I recommend that my coaching clients use the No Contact Rule to get your ex back but also to preserve your dignity and to make you stronger (you can still use no contact if you have children together).
It will probably feel like you are doing nothing or giving up at first.
What you will likely start to realize is that you are feeling better and stronger.
What’s more, you are giving yourself the best chance to get your ex back.
So it’s a win/win.
How Does No Contact Give You The Best Chance of Getting Your Ex Back?
It’s a fascinating concept.
Your ex goes through stages while you are in no contact that are rarely obvious.
You can read my article on that with the link above (open in a new window so you don’t lose this page) but the most important thing is that your ex needs to feel loss.
Your stubborn ex needs to get to a point, and this point is only arrived at if you give your ex silence for enough time.
We live in a microwave world.
We tend to think everything can be sped up or done faster by adding more people to the project, moving faster, or pushing ourselves more.
Too many people want what they want right now without having to put the time or work into it.
And we live in a world where much of that can be achieved.
But getting your ex back is like baking a cake.
You can’t just turn the temperature up and the cake cook faster.
I don’t suggest trying it, but if you do, you will just get burned cake.
Your ex is the cake in the oven in this situation and you must wait until they’ve had enough time baking in the oven.
Try to take them out too soon and your ex will be all doughy. You know what I mean.
It won’t work if your ex doesn’t have enough time.
So don’t interrupt the process.
When your stubborn ex reaches that point to where he or she loses the ability to expect you to reach out, the tables usually turn.
When your ex thinks, “Wait a minute, they might not reach out to me at all. They could be moving on!”
When your ex scrolls through their texts and sees that it has been a full month or two months without a peep from you, it’s quite a realization.
It is at that point that your ex can feel the loss and the panic associated with it.
It is at that point that your ex boyfriend, ex girlfriend, or straying spouse can realize that he/she wants you more than an ego stroke or more than making a point to you.
If your ex feels that you are moving on and that you aren’t going to reach out to them, it can be a powerful contributor to you getting them back.
It is when your ex reaches that point that they often text the person in your shoes.
Sometimes it’s a casual text, because they don’t know what to say and don’t want to appear too eager.
But it can also be an intense message like, “I miss you” or “Could you meet me for coffee?”
It works a lot.
I don’t believe in giving up when you want something.
Don’t feel guilty or that you are a weak person if you want your ex back and do for some time.
You don’t have to move on until you are ready.
Relationships take work.
One of the marriage vows is:
“…for better or for worse,” and though I know that only some of my readers are married, if you were in a serious relationship, you probably felt you had an unspoken vow of commitment.
So consider that this could be the “for worse,” part.
Your ex might have to spend some time in the wilderness so to speak.
During that time, however, your ex can learn a valuable lesson.
That lesson is he/she doesn’t want to be without you.
And should you two get back together, which the no contact rule makes more possible than not using it, then if (when) things dip in your relationship again, they will remember that they experienced life without you and didn’t like it.
It will help them realize that relationships take work as well.
So while no one wants to go through a breakup, sometimes people who get back together after a breakup have the permanent, forever relationships we all want because of what they each learned during the breakup.
You don’t have to give up and move on.
Go after what you want, but know how to go about it the right way.
If you haven’t watched the video above, I STRONGLY recommend you scroll up and watch it now.