The Strategic or Intelligent Contact Rule VS The No Contact Rule

Attachment Styles and No Contact Rule

In this video, Coach Lee explains the Strategic Contact Rule and how it is different from the No Contact Rule.

It can also be called, “Limited Contact,” “Intelligent Contact Rule,” and “Hybrid No Contact” to name a few of the titles I use.

The Strategic Contact Rule is the smart way to use The No Contact Rule for situations where two people have children together, own a home, work together, attend classes, run a business together, go to school together, or must see and/or communicate with each other on a regular or somewhat regular basis.

Basically, it’s where you still apply the general intent of the No Contact Rule in that you don’t initiate contact with your boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse if at all possible.

If you share children together, it’s not possible to stay in complete no contact.

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It wouldn’t be good for your relationship with your children and you would lose influence with them.

You should still be seeing your children and involved in their lives.

That means that you will have to talk to your spouse (or ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend) since they are a co-parent.

You, however, are going to be smart about it.

You’re going to be polite, casual, and brief.

Perhaps most importantly, you aren’t going to bring up the relationship.

You’re not going to tell him/her that you want them back.

They probably already know that anyway so all it would be doing is to make you look easily gotten back.

We’d rather your straying love believe that you are strong enough to move on and that they had better get their act together or they could lose you.

Actions speak louder than words.

Such refusal to initiate contact except when absolutely necessary to be a co-parent is that action (or inaction).

If your children have their own smart phones, don’t send messages to your children through your ex or separated spouse.

Contact your children directly.

The same is true if you work with your spouse.

Keep communication to only necessary business matters.

Be polite and do not talk about the relationship.

Once the necessary topics have been discussed, politely excuse yourself.

You could say something like, “Well I’ve got a lot to do so I’m going to get going, but I hope you have a great day.”

Simple, casual, and polite.

Don’t be cold.

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All that will do is tell them that you are really struggling and they won’t get the idea that you could move on.

Show strength by showing that you have not let them change you or get to you.

That’s the core of it.

It’s the smart thing to do and it’s important that you rely on your head leading you instead of your emotions.

Your emotions might want to declare undying love or how much you miss them.

You might be tempted to ask if your ex or separated spouse has had enough time and if he or she is ready to come back (I talk about this in my article, “The No Contact Rule To Get Your Husband Or Wife Back“).

Don’t fall for it.

When they are motivated enough by the restoration of attraction and a renewed sense of your value that comes from the realization that you are strong enough to move on, your ex or separated spouse won’t have to be asked.

He/she will be the one to take the initiative.

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That’s how you know that they are ready.

Your efforts to pull them back or to reason with them before that point will be most likely unrewarded.

It would be like trying to offer food to a person who is nauseous.

No matter how much you try to convince them that the food is delicious, the motivation on their part is simply not there.

The example continues in that trying to force food onto someone in such a condition will likely be repulsive to him/her.

emergency breakup kit

That’s where timing is key.

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The other person has to be ready.

When he/she is ready, they will let you know.

To do your part in that, you must use strategic and intelligent contact to allow them to see that you are strong enough to move on at some point.

They need to see that you will not simply wait on them forever.

Allowing that to happen instead of pushing and chasing is what actually contributes to it happening.

Trust it.

If you want a POWERFUL guide to get your ex back where I walk you through the process, get my Emergency Breakup Kit.

I truly wish you the best.

Coach Lee
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About Coach Lee

Coach Lee, Master of Marriage & Family Counseling, helps people save relationships. He developed the Emergency Breakup Kit, a powerful guide to winning back an ex. Get information on the Kit by Clicking Here! If your MARRIAGE is struggling, get his free mini-course on saving a marriage.

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