Want to know if your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend is testing you?
In the video above, I discuss how you can know if your ex is testing you or playing head games with you.
Is your ex testing you or playing mind games?
Sometimes it seems that way and sometimes they actually are.
In the video at the top of this post and article below I explain how you can tell if an ex is testing you, what it means if they are, and what you should do about it.
Just know that it isn’t necessarily bad news if your ex is testing you and that he or she might not have bad motives for doing so.
Signs Your Ex Is Testing You
Most people don’t like to be tested – especially by a romantic partner or ex.
The type of testing I’m referring to in this post is potentially because of two different reasons:
- Your ex is feeling re-attracted to you and is checking to see if you would be open to getting back together.
- Your ex is no longer feeling the “ego high” associated with breaking up with someone and he or she wants you to re-inflate their ego and sense of attractiveness/desirability.
With those two types of testing, there will be similar types of approaches that your ex might use.
Here they are:
1. Casual/Shallow Reach Out
This means that your ex is dipping his/her toe into the water to gauge your level of receptiveness to them.
So they might reach out with something insultingly casual like, “What’s up?” or “How are things?”
Though some relationship coaches suggest that you don’t respond to such a casual and basic message from your ex, I offer a different perspective gained from practical observation and experience.
You see, as I discuss in my post, “What To Do and Say When Your Ex Reaches Out,” your ex first wants to see if you will even respond.
An ex who broke up with you will often wonder if you are angry or just done with them since they dumped you.
So they do what most humans do and send a simple, but friendly, greeting to see if you will respond before they consider getting into something that is deeper and pertaining to a rekindling of the relationship.
Keep that in mind when their texts seem to be shallow and simple.
What you certainly don’t want to do is to ignore your ex.
2. Checking For A New Romantic Interest In Your Life
The next test that your ex might use is to try to determine if there is a potential romantic partner on your radar.
Most of the time they don’t want it to be obvious that they are checking for this and so they will try to be low key and unobvious about it.
They will ask something like, “What did you do this weekend?” “Who was there?” “Do you have plans with someone for xyz event?”
Again, your ex wants to know if there is reason for them to proceed in terms of exploring reuniting the relationship with you.
That or they are wanting to feel like you will never get over them and that you will always be wanting to get back together with them. Remember the ego deflation I mentioned that happens when you use the No Contact Rule?
3. Specific Question About New Relationship (“Are you dating him/her?”)
If your ex can’t get an idea if there really is a new potential romantic partner in your life or not, he or she might decide to be more direct.
They are more likely to do this if you two have been talking more and they feel comfortable asking.
It would be something as direct as, “Are you dating someone?” or “Are you dating him?”
When your ex tests you like this, it’s usually because they are strongly considering getting back together with you if you will take them back.
As I talk about in the post I mentioned above (When Your Ex Reaches Out), it’s important to stay casual and not connect the dots for them.
Let your ex keep coming to you.
You demonstrate that you are open but that you aren’t in a hurry.
4. Hypothetical Reconsideration
Another way that your ex might test you is to ask how you would respond to a hypothetical reconsideration on their part.
In other words, your ex wants to know if you would be open to getting back together IF that’s what they wanted as well.
In this way, your ex is asking you to do the work to take away the risk they might face.
Rather than just come out and say, “I have reconsidered and want to get back together. Will you take me back?” your ex is wanting to know how you would respond to that before they actually ask.
It is quite see-through, but that usually doesn’t stop some exes from going that route in an attempt to shield themselves from the risk of rejection.
5. Asking How You See The Future
Your ex might ask you in a vague, non-specific kind of way how you see the future unfolding.
Their hope is that you will mention the two of you getting back together or that you hope that the two of you will reunite.
Your ex might be specific with this test by saying, “Where do you see me in your future?” or even, “Do you think we will get back together in the future?”
That might seem odd since your ex was the one to break up with you, but such tests happen far more than I would have expected when I started coaching twenty years ago.
It’s important to be calm and poised when your ex tests you.
If you do too much of the work, the dynamic will regress to you in the role of the pursuer and your ex will potentially back away again.
That doesn’t mean that you make things too difficult or play hard to get with your ex.
It just means that you don’t unravel all that you have accomplished with the No Contact Rule.
I talk about more details like this in my Emergency Breakup Kit, including how to handle requests for meet ups, what to do when you see them face to face, whether or not you should suggest it, etc.