7 Rules for Getting Your Ex Back

This is coach Lee and I’m going to share with you seven rules on getting your ex back.

The first rule is to give them the breakup.

A lot of people have trouble with that. It seems like you should fight or resist.

Giving them the breakup means that you don’t try to talk them out of it or even contact them.

Now you may object when they first break up with you so if you have done that, don’t panic.

You might have said, “Why?” And maybe tried to talk them out of it by begging, pleading, and even bribing.

That’s normal. And usually that doesn’t cause problems long term if you stop.

As far as reducing the chances of getting your ex back, usually you’re still in pretty good shape because that’s a natural response. Your ex probably expects some push back. And they probably have a good answer for it.

The reason they have a good answer for your attempts to talk them out of the breakup is that they didn’t just come up with this overnight.

They didn’t just wake up and decide they wanted to break up with you. They’ve thought this through pretty well so they’re probably going to outmatch you, as far as discussing this, and they’re going to seem cold and determined most of the time.

Sometimes you can talk them out of it and reunite. That’s usually temporary.

If you objected at first, you’re okay. At this point, start accepting the breakup today.

It may seem counterintuitive, but it’s going to help you get them back. Trust me, and listen to the rest of this list. (Also see: How to make your ex want you back)

Number two, live in the present

And what I mean by that is not that you take things one day at a time. I talk about that a lot and you definitely should do that, but I’m talking about, in this situation, that you don’t give into the shock of this to the point that you constantly ask your ex what happened and say things like, “Do you remember saying this? You said you would always love me. You said we would get married. You said we would stay together forever.”

In your mind it’s as though you can kind of hold them to that as though it’s a contract and you can make them do it.

Like, they’re just going to say, “Oh, that’s right. I did say that. I guess we’ll stay together then.”

That’s kind of what you’re hoping for, and it doesn’t make sense when you think about it that way.

But when you’re emotional, when you’re just relying on emotions and letting them make your decisions, things like that make sense that don’t really make sense because they are not logical.

And so you need to remember the present, the reality that you are in is that your ex, this person who you care about and want to be with, wants a breakup. They don’t want to be with you right now.

And that’s tough to hear. It doesn’t mean it’s always going to be that way.

I’m going to help you give yourself the best chance of getting them back, but in the moment, do your best to accept their reality.

And that means that you don’t remind them of things they said.

You can’t say, “You can’t do this because you said you would always love me.”

You’ve got to do your best to accept their reality for now.

Can you actually do the first step, which is to give them the breakup, like I’ve already mentioned?

And if you don’t accept that reality, they’re going to feel like you are refusing and you’re not giving them what they want and think they need, which will frustrate anyone.

And so don’t be the thing, the person, or the power that stands in their way, because if you keep fighting the breakup, they are going to feel like they’re not getting what they want and that it’s out there on the other side of you somewhere. And you’re the only thing, keeping them from getting what they want.

That will make the attraction for you shrink even more.

It’s already low because that’s what caused the breakup, but it will make it go down even more. It will make them even hate you sometimes. And you don’t want that.

If you want your ex back, you can’t be what stands in their way.

If you become the obstacle, you will not get your ex back. At least if they see you as the obstacle.

And that’s what makes this very strategic.

Before we get to rule 3, take a quick second and subscribe to my channel so you can be notified when I have more videos like this, and that includes on success in relationships and not just on breakups, but a lot on getting your ex back and breakups.

Number three, don’t show them your pain.

Now listen to me closely. I didn’t say “Don’t hurt,” because that would be absurd for me to tell you.

Don’t you hate it when people say that?

“Just snap out. Just get over it. Just move on. An X is an ex for a reason!”

Like you can just flick a switch.

You can’t, unless you are a machine or a robot, which you are not.

It would actually show psychological problems if you could just flip that switch.

So don’t beat yourself up that you can’t. It’s normal for you to feel pain and hurt, but you don’t want to show that to your ex. It should be a private.

So I’m not saying pretend like you’re not hurting around everyone.

There are people who you can express that to. Maybe one of my coaches. You book a call with them or a parent or a friend only if this person has no contact, no relationship, no friendship with your ex because your friends can mess it up for you.

They will think they are helping and they will overestimate their ability to help you. And they can mess up your chances.

They will make you look bad because they go to your ex and they’ll think, “You know, if I just go to this person and tell them how bad he/she is hurting, that’ll get them to want to get back together. Yeah.

That’s just stupid. It’s ignorant. People tend to oversimplify human relationships like that.

So not only do you not want to show pain to your ex, you don’t want to show pain to mutual friends who might take it upon themselves to go play Lone Ranger and try to help you when they can’t.

They’re only going to mess things up, even if they do the right things, even if they don’t say that you’re hurting or desperate. Just them actually interfering in the situation. It will make it look like you manipulated it.

Even if they deny that you talked them into it.

It’s unlikely that your ex buys that first of all, but it still feels like there’s an obstacle to this breakup that someone’s trying to talk them out of it and it makes your ex run faster the other way.

So don’t show your pain to your ex. That’s something private.

You could reveal your pain to a close friend who has nothing to do with your ex or professional, like a coach or a therapist. Be careful.

Number four, improve yourself

If you improve yourself, first of all, it’s for you primarily.

If you’re able to look back at yourself, the amount of time that you’ve been in this relationship, how you interacted in the relationship and ways you could improve, but also just ways you could improve physically, mentally, emotionally, and you focus on those things and do those things, then what you’re doing is giving yourself an opportunity.

A motivational speaker who influenced me growing up was named Les Brown and he said, It’s better to be prepared for an opportunity and not have one then to have an opportunity and not be prepared.”

One more time, real quick.

It’s better to be prepared for an opportunity and not have one than to have an opportunity and not be prepared.

Les Brown

And basically if you improve yourself, what you’re doing is you are giving yourself the best opportunity for when your ex reaches out and they want to meet face to face.

Maybe they’re having some doubts. Maybe they’re not sure yet, but they see you and they interact with you face-to-face and they see that you have improved.

“Wow. I didn’t remember that he was this good looking!”

“I didn’t know she was this smart.”

“I don’t remember that his conversation skills were so good.”

And so if your attraction is higher, it can exponentially increase the attraction your ex feels toward you in general.

So if your attractiveness is higher because you’ve worked on yourself, then it can really capture that momentum because they’re already feeling some of it.

And this just sort of throws it over the top. So work on yourself for you, because you will have yourself no matter what happens with you and this other person, but also to get your ex back if that is what you want.

And there may be someone else in the future. I know you don’t want to think about that, but at least just entertain the idea because you want to be the best you can be.

If you have that opportunity with your ex, you want to show him/her what they have been missing.

You can do it. Lose that weight, get stronger, read, become more intelligent, become a better conversationalist, work on yourself for you, and it can help you get your ex back as well.

Before I get to rule five, take a look at my Emergency Breakup Kit. It’s the culmination of my 20 years in the relationship coaching service and it can help you get your ex back. It’s a guide to help you do that. So take a look!

Number five, don’t fall for their breadcrumbs

Now this is really important because comments on YouTube and comments on Instagram will say something like, “My ex liked a comment I made on Facebook or my ex looked at my story on Instagram or Snapchat or whatever.”

Should I contact them? Does that mean that I should reach out now because they’ve done that.

And the answer is no, because it’s not enough. It needs to be a message to you with words talking precisely, exactly, and specifically to you.

Several people have been forwarded an email or some kind of news story and asked if that means that they should reply back and ask how their ex is doing.

Your ex did not send you a message in that case.

Those are cheap breadcrumbs. Don’t fall for those because your ex will do that a lot of times so that you are the one taking the risk. You’re the one investing. You’re the one who’s risking rejection and embarrassment by reaching out to them and they’re not having to do it.

They’re just basically letting you do it and it will make it look like you have been sitting there waiting on them.

It makes it look like you have been waiting this whole time for any small thing that looks like they might have the slightest bit of interest. Don’t fall for it.

I don’t suggest you ignore your ex and I have a video on that called should you ignore your ex? The answer is no, because if they’re moving towards you, you don’t want to damage the momentum.

You don’t want to just have them think, “Well, I might as well, not even try because he/she won’t respond.”

If they reach out to you with a real message, you should casually respond and you should respond in like, kind, meaning that if they give you a one-sentence message, you respond with about one sentence and don’t carry the conversation, let them do that.

This is a step toward getting face-to-face and it’s important. So don’t ignore them because it may be your only chance.

If they think that there’s no point in reaching out to you because you will ignore them, you remove your avenue of re-attracting them or on reuniting.

So if you want them back, don’t ignore them, but don’t fall for those breadcrumbs. Those you should ignore.

Number six is challenging, but don’t get back together with them over text, if possible

And what I mean by that is, don’t have those complex, deep conversations about the relationship over text.

If they bring it up, you don’t need to ignore it but you don’t need to be the one to bring up the relationship.

If they bring it up, you do need to participate.

But do your best to facilitate a face to face. There is a cheapening effect when it’s done over texts, because you can’t hear each other’s voices. You can’t look into each other’s eyes and those things matter.

This moment needs to be special. You want your ex to have this moment where they don’t feel like they got it all back, but they feel like there’s some progress made, like there’s hope for them to get you back, which it’s interesting that the tables have turned now with them wanting hope.

You are attractive and most powerful in person. And so face-to-face is going to be the most important thing.

Now, look, I’m not saying that you reject them. If they’re trying to get back with you over texts, I’m certainly not saying that you tell them “no.”

But what I am saying is that if they are beginning to push for a conversation about the relationship status about maybe getting back together, do your best to arrange a face-to-face meeting.

When you do, your odds of the relationship lasting this time are better. And your odds of them being glad about it longer instead of having that fading effect, like a lot of people describe, is much better.

If a text conversation is all you have, just remember the next point that I’m going to mention.

Rule number seven is that you move slowly, you show reserve

And so you don’t just say, “Okay, yes, we’re back together.”

You actually need to show reservation and that you are thinking things through.

So you don’t say no to them. You just say, “I’m open to that, but I want to take things one day at a time. I’m not sure yet.”

Now your ex might get mad at this. And like I’ve mentioned in other videos, stay calm.

Don’t show anger back. Don’t get in a fight with them about it. Just say, “Well, I’ve had a lot of time to think and this has kind of made me cautious on some things. And I just want to be sure.”

Do your best not to get in a fight with them, but to explain yourself.

They might get so mad that they just say, “Forget it,” and they walk away, but you will usually hear back from them.

You just cannot give it all back to them all at once or it will fade out very quickly. So just tell them that you want to take things slowly that you’re not sure, but you will take it one day at a time so that at least they feel like there’s some hope and there’s some progress.

Then let them earn it back.

That’s very important. Both of you should feel like you are earning the relationship back and not that it just happens all at once and instantly things were just like they were before.

That will usually end up in failure. It’s anti-climatic and it makes it look like your ex can just toss you aside and get you back whenever they want, which lowers your attractiveness.

So don’t give it back all at once, but let them feel like some progress is being made and that you are moving toward getting back together, or at least that you’re willing.

I highly recommend my Emergency Breakup Kit to give you the best chance possible of getting your ex back.

No matter what, I wish you the very best.

–Coach Lee
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