How To Survive No Contact

This is Coach Lee and I’m going to talk to you about how you can survive no contact.

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I know that its difficult to be in no contact.

It is extremely difficult not to contact the person that you love that you miss, and that hurt you by breaking up with you.

You want to reach out, you want to talk, and you feel like maybe you could straighten things out.

Maybe you could reach a higher level of understanding between the two of you and that would bring them back.

But if you have watched many or any of my videos, you know that I tell you that based on my experience in the relationship recovery service, which is at the moment of this video, somewhere around 18 years, I can tell you that that is just not likely to happen.

What caused them to breakup with you was usually too fold. It was issue-based at the beginning, but what happened is that emotional attraction fell and caused them to breakup with you.

The issues existing themselves may have just been a nuisance or something that concerned them or maybe were red flags to them.

But over time, those things caused emotional attraction to drop, and that is what caused them to breakup with you, and as I have often said, that means that you cannot just “fix” the issues and expect them to come back right away or maybe even at all.

The real issue at the moment is that emotional attraction has fallen and it does not work as simply as fixing the issues to restore emotional attraction.

Unfortunately, it just does not work that way.

I know that’s confusing and a lot of you express that to me in coaching calls or comments on YouTube videos where you say that you fixed the issues and yet your ex still won’t come back or won’t respond to you.

That’s because their heart is looking at you through the lens of emotional attraction being lower than it was before.

It is lower now and therefore, they’re not motivated to work on the relationship right now.

They’re not motivated to come back to you, to go back over that hurdle, to go back into the relationship when, at the moment, they aren’t certain they want it.

They’re in a little bit of the relief period, and at moment, and they feel like this
is the best thing to do for them because they do not see a future with you because emotional attraction fell.

So, it is a catch-22 in that, fixing the issues does not fix emotional attraction.

But the issues are what caused emotional attraction to fall in the first place, and so, you can’t fix the issues and expect emotional attraction to be fixed.

But if you “fix” emotional attraction, then the issues don’t matter as much!

It’s interesting how that works, but it can be very frustrating, confusing, and painful.

If you have been broken up with and you’ve made some improvements, you might think that now you can get them back.

You think that you have done what you need to do. You’ve done your part, now you two can be together.

But then it just falls flat.

That’s why the no contact rule is so important, and as I explain in my Emergency Breakup Kit, there are things you can do to make no contact even more successful.

You can put a magnifying glass on it, and you can make it more difficult on your ex while they are not hearing from you.

As a matter of fact, you can make it a lot more difficult.

As far as being strong during no contact and surviving no contact, I want you to think about something and this has to do with a lot of things that are stressful or cause anxiety in life, and to help make my point, I’m going to use a visual aid.

It’s a coffee cup and if you see this coffee cup, let’s say it holds about eight ounces of liquid.

So if I ask you how heavy this cup  of coffee is, you would say eight ounces.

But that doesn’t communicate very well the weight, or at least the true weight of the coffee in the cup.

Because you’re only considering that it’s light and simply eight ounces because you don’t expect me to hold it here very long.

You expect me to sit it down after I’ve had a sip and that’s all that the eight ounces would affect me. It would be simple to do.

But what if I held the coffee cup up for an hour or longer?

It would be so difficult that my hand and my arm would be trembling.

That I would even experience cramps and some forms of paralysis in my arm just from the strain.

When I finally, after amazing will power to hold on to it, simply did not have the physical endurance to hold on to it any longer, my arm would collapse under a mere eight ounces of liquid.

There’s a powerful lesson in that.

That is, we can handle stress and anxiety in small doses.

As a matter of fact, sometimes it helps us to perform better or to reach a conclusion or to achieve a goal.

It’s when we allow ourselves to hold on to it too long that it becomes unbearable, and so, to those of you who are in no contact right now, I want to tell you something.

I want to tell you that it’s okay to think about your ex, to wonder what they’re doing, to think about the relationship and how much you miss it.

Because you are going to do that anyway, and if you deny yourself that, then you’re actually making it more tempting.

You make it something that’s out of reach, and so, you want to reach for it.

And it’s something that will cause even more stress because you will then feel guilty or that you’re doing something wrong or that you are frustrated with yourself because you’re thinking about it.

So, what I suggest you do is that you allow yourself time to think about it.

Maybe you sit down and you say, I get 15 minutes and I’m going to think about everything that I want to.

Everything that bothers me, that hurts, I’m going to worry, I’m going to wonder, I’m going to wonder what they’re doing, I’m going to wonder who they’re doing it with, I’m going to wonder if they’re going to come back.

I’m going to reflect on the good times that we had and then when that 15 minutes is over, you get up and you walk away and you destract yourself with other things.

And you tell yourself whenever those things start to come back to you, and you start to want to think about them or a thought enters your mind about it, you say, “it’s not my time to think about it right now.”

And maybe you have two or three sessions a day where you give yourself 15 minutes and you don’t fight it because I know that a lot of you fight it.

You really push against it because you know instinctively that it’s not productive.

It only raises your anxiety level, it causes you to worry, it makes it where you want to reach out, and you’re afraid that you might mess it up.

That you might reach out and blow no contact, that you might break no contact and cause your chances, your odds of getting your ex back to drop, and so, you think, I can’t keep thinking about this.

Well, that’s why I’m going to tell you, if you try to just completely not think about it, you will most likely fail.

So, take time to think about it.

Give yourself permission, give yourself a break where you can just let it all out in your mind.

Then walk away from it and distract yourself with resources of strength and those will be close friends and family.

Your source of strength to survive no contact can be the people who won’t breakup with you and who are happy to see you.

And I strongly encourage you not to use them as sounding boards about the breakup too much.

Now, at first, it’s okay, but I hear this all the time that your friends will get so tired of hearing about it that they will avoid you.

It’s sort of like when you have a friend who is really depressed or down about something.

At first, you feel really badly for them and you go to be with them. But over time, you begin to dread it because it’s such a downer, it’s something that brings you down so much that you don’t look forward to it.

You maybe even avoid them, and then you feel guilty for that and it’s not a good cycle to be in.

So, vent about it to people sparingly. Just know that over time, it does you more harm and then more harm because sometimes if you keep talking about it, it’s actually a bad thing.

I know it’s good to get it out at times, but if you do it too much, it simply magnifies the situation, gives you more anxiety and makes you more likely to break no contact instead of experiencing emotional progress throughout this time and season.

Other resources of strength to survive no contact would be hobbies.

If you like sports, if you like to golf, if you like to play basketball and you go to the gym and you pick up a game.

If you like to play soccer and you go to the field, if you like to do martial arts and you start a class or you rejoin a class locally that you’ve been going to.

There’s all kinds of things you can do.

Maybe for some people their hobby is a skill like playing an instrument, working on their business or riding.

Whenever someone is working on something they’re passionate about, they’re usually in a place of strength, and usually do better with no contact, and are more attractive.

So, if your ex happens to notice, if they would ask about you to friends and your friends would say “Well, he or she has been really busy with this or they’ve been doing this and they have these accomplishments because of it.

That’s a good thing for your ex to hear.

You’re not doing it for them, but it is one of those things where it works out really well if they find out about it, and sometimes social media can be helpful with that as long as it doesn’t look obvious.

But the main thing is, is that it’s good for you.

As humans, we’re made to be productive.

We are made to do things and accomplish things and break through.

That is very important for you to do because if you stay in bed, if you stay inside, and you don’t get out and walk in the sun, you won’t feel good, and that would bring you further down because when we don’t feel good, the energy is low, we tend toward a depressed mindset.

So, focus on those sources of strength such as hobbies and skills.

Also, my Emergency Breakup Kit is a tremendous source of strength, because it is so important to have a plan.

You want to be able to think back to the plan that you have.

So that you know where you’re going.

You know that your odds are better, and you can remind yourself when you start to feel that
panic or that concern, that you have a plan.

That you’re doing the best that you can and that it’s based on over 18 years of experience, and trial and error and being able to see these things first hand, and that’s a powerful thing because you wanna have the best chance possible.

You want to go with the odds of how humans think, interact, feel and progress in their mind based on actions that are happening and things that they’re observing around them.

The key to surviving no contact is to be sure to give yourself peace.

Because whereas thinking about what your ex is doing, thinking about the relationship, wondering about things can serve as a break because if you focus on something else and it feels like it’s in the back of
your mind, you’ll just want to get it out.

It can be a good thing to take 15 minutes and just think about it, just worry about it, and get it out of your system.

But then, give yourself a break in the other direction.

Because just like the cup of coffee, it’s not heavy until you do it for too long and it consumes you until you’re preoccupied with it, until you won’t let it go.

That’s why it’s so important to sit it down.

But you also want to know that you can come back to it.

You can think through some of that. 

You can worry about that because I realize that when you’re trying not to worry, that often makes you more likely to worry.

So, sometimes it’s good to just get it out and then to say okay, I’ve worried about that enough. There’s nothing I can do about it right now. I have a plan because I bought Coach Lee’s Emergency Breakup Kit.

So, I know what I’m doing gives me the best chance of getting my ex back.

-Coach Lee