I see this a lot with my coaching clients. That is, someone who is hurting and trying to get someone back who simply isn’t that into them.
They “work on themselves,” and experience anxiety, heart ache, and a loss of confidence because they can’t seem to make this person want or love them. I’m going to tell you here and now that you can’t make someone love you.
Sometimes you can do all “the right things” and the other person feels little to nothing romantically for you.
Why You Want Your Ex Back
What happens then, if you aren’t in touch with yourself enough to prevent it from happening, is that what you think are deep feelings of love because this person is so unique or otherwise wonderful, are actually an artificial reaction to scarcity.
In other words, because you can’t “get” this person back, they seem more valuable and your mind obsesses over their traits, mannerisms, and particularities.
When this intense, instinctive response occurs, and you are not seeing results in your effort to get this person back, you fear missing out on this person. So that adds another emotional response simply called “fear of loss.” Basically, you had them and if you can’t get them to come back to you, you have lost them.
The next emotional response to pile on the previous two occurs once you’ve invested time into trying to get that person back. The time you have invested adds to their perceived value in your mind and makes you feel that you have to “finish the task” so that your time hasn’t been wasted.
These aren’t conscious thoughts that you have. They are a combining of and an intersection of your mental observations and feelings. You likely can’t define why you want this person so badly – but you are preoccupied with them and likely demonstrating obsessive behavior or thoughts over this person. (For more information on why breakups are so difficult, read, Why Being Dumped Hurts So Much and Makes You Irrational)
It Works Both Ways
If you have read certain other articles I’ve written, you’ve probably noticed that some of what I teach to get an ex back is designed to feed and cause the feelings discussed above in the ex for the one who wants them back. In some ways, it’s strategy used to get an ex back.
So when someone uses the no contact rule, they are attempting to create the appearance of scarcity so that their value goes up in the mind/heart of their ex. Then, as their ex begins to wonder why they haven’t been texting or calling, fear of loss will often set in. All the while, the ex is remembering great times experienced together with the one they dumped and they begin to feel they don’t want to lose that investment. (For more information read, What Your Ex Is Thinking During No Contact)
Again, your ex won’t consciously think these things. It’s an intersection of the mind and their emotions. If you use the “no contact rule” and some of the other things I teach, it’s how you can get your ex to miss you and want you back instead of you chasing them further away by overwhelming them with your presence.
Should You Always Try To Get Your Ex Back?
Sometimes a good couple can have a rough patch, a misunderstanding, or just stagnation in their relationship. In that case, it makes sense to do the right things to attract them back to you if they have left.
But you don’t want someone who is okay with leaving you. You don’t want someone who makes it difficult and messes with your mind and heart.
You want someone who wants to be with you and makes it easy for you to be with them. That’s when it’s really magic. When someone wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them – that’s what you really want.
Find that person and do your best to let go of anyone who leaves you. You deserve someone who doesn’t make you feel you need to chase them or “earn” them because they like you just the way you are. A relationship with that person is far more likely to last than someone you have to re-attract.