This is Coach Lee and I’m going to talk to you about your ex’s thoughts during no contact.
A lot of people have asked that I revisit this subject because I do have another video about this, and it’s called Stages Your Ex Goes Through During No Contact.
If you don’t know what the no contact rule is, it gives you the best chance to get your ex back.
If that’s what you want, if you will stay away and if you will give them the breakup by not contacting them, what happens next is usually pretty interesting.
It doesn’t always happen that you get your ex back. It’s not 100% and I’m not able to guarantee anything, but I can tell you after 20 years that it works a lot, and it’s the best thing you can do, even if your ex doesn’t come back because it shows respect for yourself.
Don’t beg and plead and try to be with someone who says they don’t want to be with you.
Their mind can often change and that’s what the no contact rule can actually help happen.
It helps them to actually experience reality because they don’t necessarily know that they want the breakup.
Sometimes they just think they do until they really experience it.
And I have lots of videos on how the no contact rule gives them a real breakup instead of enabling them to stay broken up with you.
They are enabled to stay broken up with you by you showing them that you’ll always be there and that they can always get you back.
It’s natural for you to wonder what’s going on with your ex and what they are thinking.
And that’s what I’m going to talk about that.
What is happening to your ex during no contact?
I’m going to compare the stages that your ex will likely go through to your own actions.
The first stage the ex usually goes through after a breakup, after they had broken up with you is relief.
That’s where they think they’ve made the right decision.
They’re glad that they’ve gotten the breakup over with, because unless they were a monster who you shouldn’t try to get back together with anyway, they didn’t want to hurt you. That wasn’t their goal.
They didn’t get into the relationship to hurt you and they don’t receive pleasure from hurting you.
They’re glad that they got that over with and, for the moment, they’re not necessarily going to think that you’re still an option.
They’re just not going to think about it that much.
Usually after the first 48 hours, there can be some drama and some going back and forth from your ex, especially if they haven’t thought about the breakup for very long (which is unusual).
People usually consider the breakup for months and they go back and forth and finally make that decision.
If it’s just a few weeks, that’s still a decent amount of time, and that’s why when you argue with them, you can’t just talk them out of it usually, but a few weeks is different than a few months.
So sometimes that first 48 hours there can be some drama and some back and forth, and then even them reaching out to you and showing some confusion and some doubt about the breakup, but usually after the first 48 hours, They are entrenched in that relief stage where it feels good and they think they have a future without you.
And they’re probably going to feel good and believe that it was the right decision for them.
During this stage, they think that the future will be wonderful.
And so what we’re looking at here is what your ex is thinking about in terms of the future and the past.
So in the relief stage, your ex is thinking that the future will be better because they won’t be with you romantically.
In terms of the past, they probably look back at the relationship some though, very little in the relief stage, because usually it’s sort of like a honeymoon phase.
Your ex is often thinking that they’re doing all the fun things they couldn’t do before, and they’re glad they got the breakup over with.
And so they’re not using a lot of analytical thought to consider this, but in the little that they do use and when they look back at the relationship, they will see something similar to how they look at the future.
And that is, they will look at the relationship with comfort that it’s over with and that’s largely because they are in the relief stage.
They’re relieved that they are out of the relationship, but that can soon change.
And again, this is if you were using the no contact rule, but after the relief stage, your ex will go into a curiosity stage.
The Curiosity Stage
The curiosity stage depends a lot on you, because if you are staying strong in no contact, you allow your ex to experience this stage, but I see in the comments on my YouTube and on my Instagram, that a lot of times people will break no contact.
They just can’t stand it and they think they need to contact their ex because they feel like they’re losing them even though quite the opposite is actually true.
After they broke up with you, the more you can stay away, the more you will pull them towards you and retract them.
A lot of you will break no contact or reach out because you just kind of fall off the wagon. It’s understandable.
And when you do that in the curiosity stage, you tend to cause their thoughts on the future and the past to go a certain direction so that when they think about the future, if you are contacting them, they tend to think about the future as though it will be better without you, because in many ways you are preventing them from experiencing the breakup they think they want.
So in a lot of ways, they’re trying to escape you.
And when they think about the past, they think of it as relief that the relationship is over with but there’s also this frustration that though it’s over with, as far as they broke up with you, if you’re still contacting them, they are still looking back thinking that they have some relief, but they are unfulfilled.
And the two of you are on opposite sides of the table with different goals.
They feel like they are in a battle with you.
If on the other hand, you are strong in the no contact rule by giving them the gift of your silence, when they look to the future, since they are in the curiosity stage, they are curious about what’s going on with you.
And they look to the future in part with some belief that it will be better, but they also have important moments where they wonder if it will be worse without you.
So they’re curious in multiple ways.
They’re curious if the breakup was the right decision, but they’re also very curious about what’s going on in your mind and in your heart.
Why are you not acting like someone who has been dumped?
You’re acting more like the person who did the dumping because you’re not chasing, begging, or pleading.
You’re not trying to save the relationship.
At least that’s what it looks like you are.
You have just gracefully bowed out and they have no information about you.
It’s a beautiful mystery and they are oftentimes very interested in unwinding it, figuring out, and getting a glimpse into what’s going on with your thoughts.
And this is true, even if they don’t think they want to get back together with you. It’s an odd dynamic.
That odd dynamic is that, when they break up with you, their ego goes up and your attraction level in their eyes goes down.
They cement themselves above you on the totem pole of attraction.
And that’s really just the nature of the beast for a breakup, because since they are saying that they don’t see a future with you, it’s basically them dismissing you to a lower level of attraction as not worthy of them, even though they didn’t think that exact thought, that’s what it ends up becoming in the way that they determine attraction, feel attraction, and view attraction with the two of you in mind.
So you can see that no contact certainly has a better impact on your ex because there’s nothing to escape.
And so they have this response of turning back towards you a little bit because you’re not chasing them.
Where are you? It’s sort of like when you used to play this game as kids where you would be arguing and one of you would be saying “yes,” and the other would be saying “no,” and then you switch up your answer and the other person responds with the exact opposite answer.
So you were saying “yes,” they were saying “no,” and then you said “no” and they respond with “yes.”
It’s because in their mind they just know they’re opposed to you. They are fighting against you.
They’re arguing with you and they think they have a different answer. And so they’re going to say a different answer, even if you have come around to their way of thinking.
And so when you’re not even opposing your ex, when there isn’t that back and forth of you wanting one thing and them wanting the other, there’s no need to fight.
And so they go from being curious to now, the next stage is concern.
The Stage of Concern
And again, if you’re staying strong and in no contact, when they look to the future and they’re concerned now they’re aware that they might have made the wrong decision.
They have witnessed that you could be strong enough to move on and you’re showing them you’re strong enough to stay away by being in no contact.
You’re strong enough not to contact them and so that’s giving them a lot of evidence that their future really could be without you even if they were to change their mind about wanting to be with you.
Now they are concerned because, since you’re not fighting them, they don’t feel the need to try to escape.
They are able to view those romantic and happy memories as romantic and happy and not something they’re trying to escape.
They’re able to see that with a more balanced and unbiased mind to actually see them as they were those beautiful times.
So they don’t see the past as something that they are relieved that it’s over with.
Instead, they see the past as something that they are missing.
And all this because you’re staying in no contact as they go through these stages.
Get information on my Emergency Breakup Kit. It can guide you to get back together with your ex and to re-attract them.
The next stage your ex goes through usually is fear.
The Fear Stage
Your ex is past concern and they are now afraid that they have made the wrong decision and they have lost you.
And both of those happen from you using no contact.
If they think they made the wrong decision, then all of a sudden they’re on the same side of the table as you.
They agree with you that the breakup should not be over with.
Now that you have showed them that you could stay away and they’ve gone through these stages, they wonder if the two of you are still on the same side of the table or not.
Could they get you back?
When they think to the future, they wonder if you’ll be there and they’re now afraid you won’t be.
And now that they’re worried that they made the wrong decision, they blame themselves and there’s frustration and they look to the past and now they miss the past.
They miss those beautiful moments with you and they wonder if they have blown it with you.
And this is usually when, if it’s going to happen, when your ex will reach out to you.
They’ll often reach out with something casual to start with, just to see how you’re doing, just to see if you’ll talk to them.
Those are the things that your ex thinks about during no contact and if you’re using the no contact rule, then oftentimes that’s how it goes.
It’s not guaranteed, but if you’re using the no contact rule, you give yourself the best chance of your ex going through these stages and these thoughts.
I highly recommend my Emergency Breakup Kit to give you the best chance possible of getting your ex back since it guides you through possible situations and responses.
No matter what, I wish you the very best!