Will the No Contact Rule work if your ex is stubborn?
Watch the video above all the way through as Coach Lee answers this question, then be sure to read the article below to reemphasize your plan and to get the answer with different wording.
Watching both the video and the article will give you the most powerful result. And be sure to click the “Subscribe” button under the video to subscribe to Coach Lee’s YouTube Channel!
Will No Contact Work For A Stubborn Ex?
A concern that is often voiced to me by my coaching clients is that The No Contact Rule won’t work because they consider their ex to be stubborn or too stubborn for it to be effective.
In fact, most say that their ex is uniquely stubborn – more so than other exes or other people.
While I’m not suggesting that you are wrong in thinking that your ex boyfriend, ex girlfriend, or spouse is stubborn, this trait would not negate the impact of The No Contact Rule in the vast majority of cases.
The reason for this is that when we say that someone is stubborn, it is usually meant as the negative word for perseverance or determination.
While your ex being stubborn might make you think he or she could hold out for a long period of time, it really depends on what they want the most.
That is what makes no contact so key here.
The stubborn person is refusing to give in so that he or she can get what they want the most.
What Does Your ‘Stubborn Ex’ Want Most?
Right after a breakup, that is often an ego stroke.
Your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend wants to feel the ego boost of you chasing and attempting to get them back.
They do this because they assume you will be the one to reach out and try to get back together with him/her.
It is that assurance that allows them to be stubborn because they don’t see getting back together with you as being in jeopardy.
Instead, they see it as an option that they can choose at any time.
This is because the person who does the dumping (the dumper) takes on a lot of arrogance after they break up with you (or if they leave).
They assume that they can get you back easily at any time they want.
Because of that, your ex (or straying spouse) doesn’t feel the loss that you are feeling.
You are feeling loss.
It is that loss that contributes to you feeling anxiety, emotional turmoil, panic, and sorrow.
In fact, you are feeling an increase in the Limerence experience (or a reset of the intensity) because fear of loss and longing for the other person is a factor in that mental/emotional state.
At the moment, your ex doesn’t have to worry with that.
Your ex isn’t longing for you right now simply because he/she feels you can be gotten back easily.
So without worry of loss, your ex is focused on feeling desired, attractive, and powerful.
Your ex is being stubborn so that you will reach out and he/she can feel that attractiveness, power, and further confirm that you could be gotten back easily at a time of their choosing.
In fact, your ex is likely confident in large part that you will do all the work and go out on the limb of getting the two of you back together.
A Stubborn Ex Needs To Feel The Loss That No Contact Brings
Your ex goes through stages while you are in no contact that are rarely obvious.
You can read my article on that with the link above (open in a new window so you don’t lose this page) but the most important thing is that your ex needs to feel loss.
Your stubborn ex needs to get to a point, and this point is only arrived at if you give your ex silence for enough time.
We live in a microwave world.
We tend to think everything can be sped up or done faster by adding more people to the project, moving faster, or pushing ourselves more.
Too many people want what they want right now without having to put the time or work into it.
And we live in a world where much of that can be achieved.
But getting your ex back is like baking a cake.
You can’t just turn the temperature up and the cake cook faster.
I don’t suggest trying it, but if you do, you will just get burned cake.
Your ex is the cake in the oven in this situation and you must wait until they’ve had enough time baking in the oven.
Try to take them out too soon and your ex will be all doughy. You know what I mean.
It won’t work if your ex doesn’t have enough time.
So don’t interrupt the process.
Stubborn People Go After What They Want
When your stubborn ex reaches that point to where he or she loses the ability to expect you to reach out, the tables usually turn.
When your ex thinks, “Wait a minute, they might not reach out to me at all. They could be moving on!”
When your ex scrolls through their texts and sees that it has been a full month or two months without a peep from you, it’s quite a realization.
It is at that point that your ex can feel the loss and the panic associated with it.
It is at that point that your ex boyfriend, ex girlfriend, or straying spouse can realize that he/she wants you more than an ego stroke or more than making a point to you.
If your ex feels that you are moving on and that you aren’t going to reach out to them, it can be a powerful contributor to you getting them back.
It is when your ex reaches that point that they often text the person in your shoes.
Sometimes it’s a casual text, because they don’t know what to say and don’t want to appear too eager.
But it can also be an intense message like, “I miss you” or “Could you meet me for coffee?”
You see, stubborn people are stubborn about getting what they want.
So no contact is designed to show your ex that living without you, not hearing from you, and losing you from their life is not what they want.
No contact is designed to show even stubborn people what they want the most and what they fear losing.
I’m not saying it’s going to be easy for you.
I’m saying it’s going to be worth it.
Not contacting your ex is difficult for most people.
Especially if you fear that they could find someone else or move on by you using the No Contact Rule.
Many people have been in your shoes and I’ve been able to observe a large number over the past twenty years.
I can tell you that the odds are better that you’re ex won’t move on to someone else if you don’t contact him or her.
That’s assuming that your ex is the one who broke up with you.
If you were the one who did the dumping, you should be the one to reach out to your ex if you want them back.
Otherwise, let the words of this article be an encouragement to you as you try to get your ex back by using the no contact rule.
Even a stubborn ex.
I truly wish you the best and highly recommend my Emergency Breakup Kit to give you strategy and encouragement.