In this post I’m going to explain what makes an ex come back to you after a breakup.
Knowing the dynamics of human nature that cause an ex to want to get back together with someone after they broke up with them is fundamental to my relationship coaching.
It is often complex.
There can also be what I call a “Mirage Reunion.” That is where an ex comes back to you, but for the wrong reasons. If an ex comes back for the wrong reasons, they are highly likely to leave again.
The Wrong Reasons for an Ex Coming Back:
1. Lack of Available Alternatives – The dating world can be difficult, creepy, and frustrating. If your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend lives in a small town or simply doesn’t have a large social circle, they might figure that you are the best or only option.
2. Guilt – If you handled the breakup poorly by trying to talk your ex into getting back together, you likely tried to make them feel guilty about how they hurt you by breaking up with you. If you did that, they might come back to you because they are trying to ease the guilt they feel.
Guilt is not love and making your ex feel guilty is not the same as restoring attraction. It’s not in the same galaxy! In the rare event they do take you back because they feel guilty, it will be temporary and only to appease their guilt. It’s not really taking you back and fits the “Mirage Reunion” perfectly.
When the guilt has worn off, and it will quickly, they will feel even less attraction and love for you than when they initially broke up with you! They will feel strength and resolve against you. The guilt will almost certainly not work to get them back again and you will be even further away from them than at the first breakup.
You’ll wish you had listened to me when they are afraid you will try to manipulate them again with guilt and will reject any and all efforts on your part to meet or communicate. No one likes to be manipulated.
3. Boredom – Maybe you are funny or they have a good time with you. That’s great, but if that’s the only reason they come back to you, they won’t stay long.
4. Sex – It’s like air, they say. It’s not a problem until you aren’t getting any. If the two of you were having sex and now, after the breakup, your ex has no one for that, your ex might come back to you to fulfill that need. If that’s the only reason your ex comes back, it won’t be long at all before you are dumped again for someone who provides more of what your ex needs outside of the bedroom as well.
5. Thinking the problems will fix themselves – Occasionally an ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend will come back because they just take a leap of faith that the problems that pushed them away will simply go away. But when the same problems pop up again, it’s adios.
6. Duty -They feel they owe it to you. This is much like guilt. It’s temporary and they will resent you for it even if you didn’t try to use it to manipulate them into coming back to you.
7. Wanting to stick it out (commitment without desire/passion) -Some people hate to fail and pride themselves in finishing what they started. That’s admirable, but it won’t last. No one can stay in an unfulfilling situation forever – and they won’t.
8. Status of being in a relationship – Some people really like having a girlfriend or boyfriend. The problem is when they don’t like the person who is their girlfriend or boyfriend. This is a temporary reason for coming back and it will likely only be until they can find a “better” replacement.
9. Loneliness – Because being with you is better than being lonely. Until it isn’t. And, like many of the other reasons, when they find a replacement, they’ll leave again.
10. Support for a difficult situation – Maybe your ex needs comfort from a tragedy in their life. Maybe they are down on their luck and wanting some encouragement or an ego stroke. As you guessed, this lasts until they feel better or find someone who comforts them better (because they’ll be looking).
That was not a fun list.
If an ex boyfriend or girlfriend comes back to you for any of those reasons, the path forward will be difficult if not impossible.
There are at least two reasons for that:
1. Wrong Reasons – Those are obviously the wrong reasons for an ex to come back because there won’t be staying power. It won’t last unless another reason takes its place.
2. Realization – Your ex will realize, at some point, that they came back to you for the wrong reason(s).
Your ex’s realization that they came back for shallow and wrong reasons will devalue the relationship in their mind first and in their heart second (if there are still true feelings of that kind left).
And your ex will leave you again, very likely for the last time.
It’s Important That Your Ex Comes Back For The Right Reason(s)
I know that if you are reading this, you possibly want your ex back any way that you can get them to come back and you figure that you’ll worry about the rest later.
I get it. And helping you get them back is most certainly my goal. But not only is getting them to come back to you in the right way far more likely to be long term, but it’s also more likely to get them back at all!
What is The Best Way to Get an Ex To Come Back?
The best way to get an ex back is to recreate attraction first, before anything else.
Don’t rush this!
I can’t emphasize that enough. I know you want them back. That’s an understatement! “Desperate” might be the right word and because of that desperation, you are far more likely to do the wrong things. You are far more likely to be irrational.
We can channel that energy to get your ex to come back to you. But you’ve got to trust me.
To get your ex to come back to you, you have to rebuild the attraction they feel for you. This is true even in the case of a rebound relationship. You actually have the advantage over the new person when you back away, stop contacting them, and change the way your ex sees you.
The way you do that is to recreate yourself in a few key ways:
1. Increase Your Attractiveness: Implementing the No Contact Rule does many things to help you. It stops the damage and prevents you from pushing your ex away even further. It’s extremely important that you let him or her come to you after a breakup instead of chasing.
Primarily, it revives attraction by making you scarce and that causes your ex to miss you. It can serve as a reset button to whatever caused your ex to leave. But you want to work on yourself so that the issues are resolved as much as possible by the time your ex comes back. You can read more about that in the link above.
2. Correct The Issue: You likely have a decent idea of why your ex left you. Maybe you were too clingy. Maybe it’s hygiene, jealousy, not showing enough affection, being bad at conversation, not meeting a certain need of theirs, living too far away, being too argumentative, too negative, too dramatic, too selfish, or something else.
If you want your ex back, improving yourself in those things is necessary in case they come back or in case they reach out to see if you’ve changed.
You shouldn’t announce it to your ex because talk is cheap and it comes across as you trying to bribe them into getting back together with you. Showing them is far more powerful. That is, unless there is something that you need to apologize for and you haven’t already.
This is a sensitive area and I recommend setting up a coaching call with me so I can help you with this. But the issue that caused the breakup needs to be addressed and corrected so that you can get them back fully and not lose them again.
3. Change Your Focus: This is often the most true for men. Women usually aren’t into guys who don’t have focus, drive, and ambition for something other than them. Of course, women (and men) want you focused on them at certain times and wants to feel special to you. But they also are most attracted to you when you have passions in live outside of them.
Find hobbies, start a business, learn an instrument, or something else that allows you to fulfill a passion and gives you something to do so that, when your ex comes back you aren’t clingy and in a constant text conversation with them.
Time apart is so important and I talk about that in the video that is posted with the article, “Will My Ex Forget About Me During No Contact?”
The Bottom Line On Why An Ex Comes Back (and If They Will)
An ex can come back for many reasons, but the most likely way to get them back and the way to keep them is to do the right things to re-attract them.
Then you can show them that you have changed and the two of you can enjoy your life together if you practice good relationship habits and dynamics such as empathy, selflessness, affection, and commitment.
CLICK HERE to schedule a coaching call with me and we can put together a custom plan to get your ex back!