Hi, this is Coach Lee and I’m here to share with you some relationship advice that you may have never heard before!
These things aren’t typically taught in school, but they are incredibly important because relationships are such a crucial part of our lives.
Relationships are like family, and the dynamics of a relationship don’t always come naturally.
In fact, a lot of the time, they don’t make sense at all!
That’s why it’s important to continue learning and improving your skills and understanding of relationships, as well as how you can help your partner be a better partner.
First: Seek Peace in Your Relationship
The first thing I want to talk about is how important it is to seek peace in your relationship.
This is especially true in today’s world, where it seems like there’s constant craziness from every angle.
If you and your partner can be sources of peace for each other, it means you’re not trying to argue or be argumentative.
Instead, you’re trying to put yourself in the other person’s place and understand how they feel about things.
You’re trying to be as loving and caring as possible during discussions and disagreements.
When two people in a relationship seek peace and want peace, you have a beautiful thing.
They just want the relationship to be an oasis in the desert, a source of relaxation away from the stress, anger, confusion, and frustration of the world.
If two people are thinking that way, dating, married, or in any type of romantic relationship, then everything else in the relationship becomes easier.
All the decisions and actions you take, as well as your responses to situations, will be from a place of love and you will have a loving connection between the two of you that’s warm and supportive.
If you have two people who seek peace, you will have a happy relationship. This cannot be overstated.
Many people think that relationships are difficult, but when two people have this mutual desire for peace, it doesn’t seem that way.
There’s that effort to get along, to have peace, love, and warmth in the household, and not bicker and argue.
You will be amazed at how great your relationship can be when you have two people who are committed to seeking peace together!
Number two might seem really obvious, yet people’s actions show that it’s not to a lot of people.
Two: Don’t Reject Each Other
One of the marriage vows is that you will forsake all others for this person. You vow to be with this person in place of others. So, if anything, you’re saying, “I will be the one who accepts you, who welcomes you, who wants you, not who rejects you.”
When I hear people talk about how, after years of rejection, they don’t love the other person anymore and they just want to get away from them because of rejection, it is sad to hear.
I’m speaking of physically, sexual rejection and it will make the person who’s being rejected feel ugly and unloved.
I’ve heard people say, “I felt unwanted, undesired, like there was something wrong with me.”
They would say, “I didn’t even want to look in the mirror at myself anymore because I assumed I was ugly.”
It will ruin a relationship. The person you are rejecting today will probably leave you in the future because people just can’t take much of that after a while.
Even people who seem like it doesn’t bother them, confident and strong in life, you will find that eventually, they can’t take it anymore.
And even if it costs them, they will want to leave you, they will want to escape the rejection.
All it takes is some other person giving them just a little bit of acceptance, making them feel desired and wanted, and they’re gone.
So, I’m trying to warn you, do not reject your partner!
Yes, there are going to be times when life brings problems, where there’s sickness, where it just can’t happen, but if it can, don’t reject.
If you put yourself in the other person’s place, I think you’ll know why.
Three, Don’t Complain To Other People About Your Relationship Or About Your Partner
That means you don’t have private conversations where you’re slamming him or her, talking about how ridiculous they are in certain situations, how unhappy you are. Do not do that.
Talking to a professional is one thing, or an older, wiser mentor, but in terms of friends, or your brothers or your sisters, avoid it. Because what you will actually be doing is, in many ways, betraying the relationship.
You will be talking about your partner in a negative way to someone else, and that’s something you really need to be cautious about because it can get out. It can get back around to them, and likely you will begin to start feeling less connectedness with them because you will probably keep that a secret.
You won’t come home and say, “I talked to my friend today about what a sorry person you are,” or “I talked to a friend today about how unhappy I am in the marriage (or the relationship).”
You’re not going to tell them that, and there’s a reason. Because you know this would not be something that would make them feel positive or warm or connected to you, and as a matter of fact, it will hurt the connection you feel because you’ll be keeping a secret from them.
If you’ve heard me talk about intimacy before, you know that intimacy is where you see into each other. The word said slower is “into me see.”
You’re not keeping secrets from each other.
You’re finding out the facts and the feelings of this person’s life, and you’re hearing it continually.
You are the person in the know about them.
If you hide things from them, especially when it’s something where you have committed a small betrayal, which is to talk about them poorly, to someone else.
Number Four Is To Understand Limerence
I have other videos where I talk about limerence. Limerence is the newness of a romantic relationship and the passion that goes along with it.
It is fueled by chemicals in your body, dopamine, serotonin, vasopressin, oxytocin. There are multiple chemicals involved, but they are strong and intense in how they affect your emotions.
In the early stages of a relationship, that passion is sky high.
You will probably even think to yourself, “I’ve never felt this way before.”
Usually, you have, you just don’t remember it because chemicals have that effect, especially when they’re in different proportions with each different person. That’s why limerence begins to fade in time.
A lot of limerence is dependent on newness, difference, and something you haven’t felt before. That’s why it’s so appealing because it feels like it’s new and you haven’t felt it before, therefore it must be “special.”
People don’t know that it’s a normal part of a new relationship but that it will fade with time.
It’s designed to bring two people together.
Otherwise, why would you want to be around a stranger you don’t have any history with or know anything about?
Limerence fuels you to get closer to them. It leads you into intimacy because you start asking questions.
Limerence makes you want to explore the other person emotionally, physically, mentally, every way that you can.
You want to know this person, and that is what limerence causes.
Once you’ve reached a certain level of that, where you do know them, and a lot of those secrets are gone, you begin to develop companionship, commitment, and a feeling of family with this person.
At that point, limerence fades to a large degree.
It doesn’t mean it’s completely gone. Sometimes you will get some of it to come back and to resurge.
You have special things together, like if you do something you’ve never done before with this person.
You can have this connection, and it is a small form of limerence, but just know it will fade again as well.
So don’t think, “I don’t feel as passionate as I did in the early days of the relationship, so I’m going to leave.”
Or, “The love must be over, or I just don’t feel the same way I do anymore.”
You will feel that way year after year. You will not feel the same way you felt the year before, because your relationship will adapt, change, and grow.
Sometimes it will depend more on commitment when it’s difficult.
It will depend more on companionship when things are difficult in life, and you’re seeking support.
It will depend more on passion in the early days because you don’t have all this shared history, the connection, and the intimacy.
So it has to depend on something that motivates you to want to stay in it, to pursue it, and to grow it, and to get to the point of intimacy. That’s why you have limerence.
So the more you can understand that just because you don’t feel the same passion you did in the early days, it doesn’t mean the relationship is over.
You can even embrace the fact that the relationship has matured to where you are more based on commitment, companionship, and the feeling of family, instead of only limerence.
Because limerence is a form of love, it’s a passionate love, but it’s also an immature love. That doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing, it’s a good thing.
It’s designed to get to people to where they do have stronger, more mature forms of love between each other. From the ashes of limerence come a committed, companionate, family-like relationship.
So if you understand that, it can help you when you begin to wonder why you don’t quite feel the same.
Just as you would hope that your partner understands that just because they don’t feel quite the same intensity of passion, it doesn’t mean that they should just up and leave you.
Before I get to number five, be sure to check out my support community.
It’s a great place to help support you when you’re going through relationship difficulty. It’s a great place for you to be able to support others, maybe with some things that you’ve learned. And it’s a great place to just have a caring group of people who can support you through life.
You can check that out at LoveDynamics.com.
Number five: Brag About Your Partner When You’re Around Other People.
Let’s say that you two go on a double date and it’s two couples.
Say something wonderful about your partner, brag about how they can do something, maybe how they cook something, they’ve accomplished in life, how strong they are, how they were able to do something for you, how tough they are, and/or they’ve gotten over an illness or lost weight.
There are all kinds of things that you can brag about your partner when you’re around another couple, and it will make them (your partner) feel wonderful.
Nothing feels better than knowing that your partner admires you, loves you, and is proud of you, and so don’t be afraid to show that.
You almost cannot overdo that unless you’re getting zero compliments from the other person.
Both of you should be complimenting each other and bragging on each other. It should be mutual; it should never feel like there is a worshipper and there is the person who is worshipped, and I talk about that a lot.
It should feel like both of you are pursuing each other, passionate about each other, urgent for each other, and committed to each other.
You should both feel it; it shouldn’t feel one-sided ever.
So, brag about your partner, tell other people how wonderful they are in front of them where they can hear you saying it.
Couples who do that feel so close and connected, and they have all the things that I’ve talked about: commitment, companionship, intimacy, and a feeling of family.
If your relationship seems to be struggling a bit, try some of those things, especially bragging about them to other people. But go back through this video and post, write the list down, and apply these things, and you’ll be so glad you did, and your partner will as well.
In summary, to have a successful and fulfilling relationship, avoid rejecting your partner, complaining about them to others, comparing them to others, and taking them for granted. Instead, focus on accepting and appreciating them for who they are, communicating constructively, and making an effort to keep the relationship strong.
Overall, maintaining a healthy and happy relationship takes effort, communication, and a willingness to prioritize your partner and your relationship. By following these tips, you can strengthen your bond with your partner and create a fulfilling and lasting relationship.
Get information on Coach Lee’s Relationship Reignite Workshop that goes from basic to advanced and provides customized strategies through an intense 3 days (12 hours total) along with 6 months of coaching to reunite you with the one you love! For marriages (and serious relationships) in crisis – get more information on if this workshop is right for you.
No matter what, I wish you the very best.