Is no contact the only way to get your ex back?
What we’re dealing with basically is that your ex’s motivation must change.
I talk about this a lot, that motivation is the key to this. What do they want? That’s why I say that when a breakup happens, it almost always is because attraction fell. They are no longer motivated to do the things they need to do to be with you.
It’s not worth the work to them, so to speak.
That’s why long distance relationships often have such a high breakup rate.
There’s a lot of work that goes into it.
You don’t get to see that person without making a large effort involving a lot of travel, expense, time, and frustration.
At first, it’s worth it. But over time, especially as limerence fades (I’ll talk about that more in just a little bit, and I have a video on limerence as well), long distance relationships and relationships in general can begin to lose some of the excitement and the passion.
That doesn’t mean the relationship is over, but it is key to understand what motivates this person.
Right now, they are motivated to break up with you, to be away from you, to go on with their life in a different direction. If you are trying to do something to stop that, if you’re saying no, you can’t do that, then you’re actually fighting against their motivation.
So now you’re opposing them. It’s as though you’re sitting on opposite sides of the table. You’re not on the same team anymore.
And even though it doesn’t feel this way, what it comes down to is that your ex a lot of times will say, “I want this,” but you will act as though you don’t care what they want.
You are only interested in what you want. And I’m not saying that’s what is actually happening. I’m telling you, in the mind of your ex, that’s what it can seem like.
And it can make him or her hate you.
So you have to avoid that like the plague.
You have to stay away from appearing like it doesn’t matter what they want, but that it only matters what you want and that you’re not going to stop until they give in.
So something has to change their motivation and more of the same, that is more of you, is not going to change that.
It’s sort of like if you’ve had a big meal and you’re full or maybe you’re even hurting and you’re nauseous because you’ve over-eaten and you just don’t want any more food right now.
It doesn’t matter if it’s your favorite food, your favorite ice cream, chocolate, or a Snickers bar. It doesn’t really matter because you don’t want any food at the moment.
Your motivation is to do the exact opposite – it’s not to eat. As a matter of fact, the food is even repulsive in that situation.
Unfortunately, I say this only trying to help but not to hurt, but there is some repulsion at the moment. Your ex doesn’t want to be around you, they want the opposite.
And so, even though your natural inclination is to give them more of you, to try to talk to them, to be around them, to try to change their mind, it’s actually counter-intuitive.
It’s the equivalent to that person who’s full on the meal and they don’t want any more food, to saying to them “Here, just try it, no really, take a spoonful, take a forkful, cut off a slice.”
Do you see where that doesn’t make sense?
And so, people who question me on the no contact rule and they say, “Well, that’s not very mature,” when actually, it is.
What’s actually immature is saying, “I don’t care if you’re nauseous, take this big bite of this.”
Do you see where it can even make things worse? And if anything, your ex can wonder if you really ever understood them because you’re so out of touch with them right now.
Some of that might sound familiar based on your situation, so keep that in mind as we move to the second thing I’m going to talk about, and that is putting yourself in the place of your ex.
2. Put Yourself In Your Ex’s Place
If you were convinced you wanted something, and I know at the moment you want them, and so this is going to be difficult to hear but for the moment try to think of something else you want. Something, maybe it’s to achieve something, maybe it’s to have a family, all kinds of things you could want very badly.
And if your ex actively tried to prevent you from getting it, what would your response be?
It would probably be that you’re upset at them, that they don’t get you, that they’re being selfish.
And so again, like I mentioned a little bit in point number one, I’m not saying that you are being selfish, I’m saying it can seem that way to them, especially if that was an issue in the relationship.
I think the mature response is to accept what your ex has said and to try to understand where they’re coming from.
They might think, “Yes, it’s all about what you want.”
The mature response is actually to say something like, “I want something different, but it’s your life, and I’ve said I want to be together. I’ve asked you to reconsider, I’ve apologized that I’ve done things wrong, but you still don’t want to be with me. So take care of yourself.”
You’re not going to force it or try to make them do something they don’t want to do.
You’re going to give your ex the breakup they want, even though it’s difficult for you. That’s maturity.
So, putting yourself in their place and at least saying, “I understand that they don’t want this and I do,” and that has to affect your actions.
That has to impact your actions towards your ex, and that you understand even though you might want to go be around them and try to talk them out of it.
You have to put yourself in their place which is that they don’t want this right now and you can’t try to force it or you will only push them away further and make them think you never understood them really anyway and were only focused on yourself.
That’s how they can feel about it, and I don’t want that for you. That’s why I’m telling you about it.
Number three is a popular topic and people ask me about it a lot, and that’s limerence.
3. Limerence Tolerance
Limerence is the newness of a relationship, and it’s from the chemicals that your body produces – dopamine, oxytocin, and other chemicals – that cause you to become nearly obsessed, and sometimes even fully obsessed, with this person.
It’s a passionate form of love, but it is an immature form of love in that it’s not built on companionship and friendship and that feeling of family and commitment. It’s too new for that, and so limerence was designed to bring two people together who have no other reason to be together because they have no history, so now they have this fuel temporarily so that they can build those things.
But what happens is that in time you develop limerence tolerance.
That’s where basically, just like with drug tolerance, if you take too much of something for too long, your body responds and it no longer has the same effect that it used to. And that’s the same thing that happens when limerence fades.
And so a lot of people think that means the relationship is over. But the reason I’m telling you about this is that if you continue to push and to try to force yourself to be around them, to force them to talk to you, and you won’t leave them alone, then you’re actually just creating more limerence tolerance.
But you can bring back some limerence. It can come back in parts, it can’t come back fully, but that’s what the other things are for – companionship, commitment, the feeling of family – that is to contribute more to your love and to your relationship than any limerence.
Limerence is a smaller factor going forward, and if you will stay away from your ex, then some of that limerence can come back.
But if you keep pushing towards them, you’re actually creating more and stronger limerence tolerance. And that’s another reason I say so much no contact does not work all the time, but it’s your best bet, and it works a lot.
People will try to question that based on limited experience, and I’m just telling you, the only reason I say it is because of 20 years – actually, it’s closer to 22 years at this point – and thousands of cases to where I’ve seen it.
If you had asked me 22 years ago, I probably would have said that no contact doesn’t make sense because we’re taught to work things out, to talk things through, to go talk to them about it.
Sometimes that’s the best thing to do, and you should talk to them right after the breakup.
You should tell them, “I don’t want this. I want to be with you. I think we’re great together.”
You should tell them that you object and that you don’t agree, but in spite of that, they should know even though you don’t agree, that you are mature enough, strong enough, and are a good enough person that you can walk away and let them have what they want, even if it means that that’s not you.
I know this is difficult to do and it’s probably uncomfortable to hear, but just know that the more that you try to push yourself on them and push the relationship on them and keep them in the relationship, the more limerence tolerance that you create, which makes getting them back and re-attracting them more difficult.
4. Learn From Why You Want Them So Badly
Before the breakup, there probably wasn’t the urgency, the anxiety, the pressure and the focus towards being around them and getting them back (since they weren’t leaving), and you probably didn’t see their presence quite as valuable as you do now.
Learn from that.
It doesn’t mean that it wasn’t valuable to you, but once they broke up with you, their value has probably grown by leaps and bounds.
It’s become much more serious. They seem much more valuable, and that’s because they aren’t there, and they’re going the other direction, and you’re afraid that you could lose them permanently.
And hopefully, I’m able to help you do no contact, so that’s not the case, but consider that as we talk about this. What is it that caused their value and your sense of urgency to sky rocket?
It’s basically because they used a type of no contact on you.
They might have been in contact with you when they broke up with you unless they ghosted you, but basically, they are saying they want something else. They’re going away from you. They’re going in the other direction, and that pulls you to them. It doesn’t push you away.
It actually makes you want to work harder. That’s part of this whole equation.
So to get your ex back, you want to actually break up with them in a way.
That’s basically what you do when you give them the breakup.
Because if you don’t give them the breakup, it’s as though you’re staying in the same place, and they know you’ll always be in that place. And so if they ever want you, they can just go right back to that place.
It takes away your value, it takes away the urgency, and it prevents them from wanting to rekindle and wanting you badly and missing you because they can’t, because you won’t go away.
And so that’s why I say it’s so important for you to go away. Because just like in this situation, they have gone away from you and now you want them badly.
And so you can see it work. It’s a demonstration for you in this whole process that they have left you, and now you want them more. And so that’s what I’m trying to help you do: create that desire from their side again.
No contact can do that. It often works. It gives you the best chance of getting back together with them.
Before I get to number five, take a second and get some more information on my Emergency Breakup Kit. It’s a powerful guide to help you get your ex back. It’s the culmination of my 20 years in the relationship coaching service.
5. Strategic Contact.
It’s not the same as no contact. Strategic contact is when you have children, property, or business that you run together, or you work together, or you see each other on a regular basis.
And so it’s not something that you can just select. You can’t just choose to stay away from them. You’re going to have to see them and interact with them some.
In this situation, you can still be in contact with them when you have to, without pushing them away, without lowering your attraction, and keeping the chances of rekindling alive. And even doing things that will re-attract them.
But the bottom line is that if you keep it to only business, like only about the business or the children or matters with property or pets or whatever you share together, if you just keep it about that, and then you’re friendly but you go ahead and end the conversation, then you will get most of the benefits of no contact without appearing needy or like you’re trying to pressure them.
I highly recommend my Emergency Breakup Kit to give you the best chance possible of getting your ex back.
No matter what, I wish you the very best.