She asked the question nearly crying.
”Will he miss me if I leave him alone?” She inhaled and held her breath as she waited for my answer to her question.
I’m asked this question nearly each day and it is usually asked from someone who is hurting tremendously following a breakup.
Here’s my answer:
Probably. Yes. And most likely. And here is the kicker – if you don’t leave him alone, he literally, by definition and by human nature – cannot miss you.
The first reaction by so many following a breakup is not to leave the other person alone so he or she can miss you but to do the opposite which is to overwhelm them with your presence.
The thought process is that if you communicate enough with your ex and persist in constantly asking for a status update, not only will you soothe your impatience but your clearly expressed interest and desire to get him back will help pull him back to you.
That is what many people think after they have been dumped, but it couldn’t be more wrong (except about the “soothing your impatience” for contact part).
How Leaving Him Alone Helps Get Him To Come Back
Whereas leaving him alone doesn’t feel as good and seems to be tossing fate to the wind, it actually gives you more control over the situation in the following ways:
1. It Prevents Matters From Getting Worse. If the one you love has broken up with you or said he or she needs space, you only make matters worse by not leaving him or her alone and giving that space to them. And I mean giving them the breakup as well.
When you stay when you’re not welcome, what do you think happens? The other person resents you, feels awkward, and wants you to leave even more.
Are those things that you want this person feeling about or toward you? Absolutely not! Such negatives make it less likely this person will want to be around you again in the future. They’ll associate you with the negatives of someone who has overstayed their welcome and is behaving like a spoiled child.
However, if you back away and give them your absence and your silence, they won’t associate you with those negatives. Even if you haven’t done a good job of backing away yet, start now so that you minimize the damage.
2. It Gives Him The Opportunity To Miss You. As humans, we often don’t know what we had until it’s gone. That’s not just a cliche. It’s true. Time apart can be so good for a relationship, even if he broke up with you, because it is only during that time that he can miss you and want to come back.
If you are texting, calling, showing up, liking his posts, and asking his friends about him, he cannot miss you. It’s impossible because you won’t give him your absence. As I discuss in my article, “What is My Ex Thinking During No Contact,” when you don’t contact him and aren’t there, your ex boyfriend experiences pattern interruption.
That interrupted pattern is anything that you did such as text, call, hugs, kisses, sex, your voice, etc. He was used to experiencing those things but now he is not. Only then can he see that he preferred your place and your actions in his life. It’s only when he loses them that he can learn to appreciate them and you.
3. It Raises The Attraction He Feels For you. When you gracefully bow out because he thinks he doesn’t want you as his girlfriend anymore, you prevent the attraction he feels for you from decreasing.
Whereas it’s probably lower now than in the past, it can improve by you removing yourself from his life as he thinks he wants. That is because when you don’t chase, you show strength and confidence. He begins to wonder how you can show strength and confidence in the face of being dumped and he becomes curious about you. He becomes intrigued.
These things alone can poke the fires of attraction, and when combined with him missing you and, then, beginning to wonder if he’s lost you (a.k.a. fear of loss), your attraction goes up in his mind and he’s more likely to come back. Those things are likely much better than your current situation.
If you are asking, “Will he miss me if I leave him alone?” the answer is that he certainly can’t miss you if you aren’t gone and that if you are gone, human nature says that he will miss you.
That is the simple and complex way to make your ex miss you.
By using the no contact rule, you attack the breakup with a double-edged sword:
One side being that by not contacting him, you ensure that you can’t do harm to the already delicate situation.
The other side being that you attract him back to you.
If You Leave Him Alone You Also Show The Following Attractive Traits
1. You show him that you are a good listener. He has asked for you to back away and to exit his life at the moment. Show him that you are a good listener and respect his wishes even when you aren’t getting your way.
It is actually narcissistic to attempt to force yourself on someone who is asking that they have time away from you. It’s basically you saying, “I know you want this for your life but what I want is more important.” Do that and he will run as far as he can away from you! Leave him alone and he will miss you. What an extreme difference in reactions!
2. You show maturity. When a child (or a childish person) doesn’t get their way, they pitch a fit. They refuse to accept the situation. They pout and cry until mommy or daddy buys them the toy or lets them eat chocolate cake for breakfast.
A childish, spoiled person is an unattractive one. Show him that you can handle difficulty and situations you don’t like with class, dignity, and maturity. If you have been wishing you could show him what he is going to miss out on by giving you up as a girlfriend, here’s your big opportunity!
3. That you are strong. By leaving him alone, you show that you are strong and can handle adversity. As I pointed out above, this is a very attractive trait. But what’s more, showing him strength in this situation also communicates to him that he can’t place you in the category of “backup plan.” He can’t think that he can simply date as many other women as he wants, take his time, and assume that you will be waiting around on him as a backup plan.
You show him that you have the strength to move on which places urgency on the situation once he starts missing you. Again, this is another tremendous advantage to leaving him alone so that he can miss you.
Will He Come Back If I Leave Him Alone?
Though it is usually very difficult to leave him alone, consider how wonderful it will feel for him to reach out to you saying that he misses you and wants you back. You would be ecstatic, right?
Let that be your motivation.
You really have no choice because deep down, you know that refusing to leave him alone when he has requested that will only make matters worse.
I’ve seen a lot of broken relationships since the year 2000 and I can tell you that by applying the no contact rule where you simply leave him alone, you have the best chance of getting him back.
Each situation and relationship is different and there are obviously complexities and nuances to your specific breakup. To get my help with your specific situation and a tailored map to getting him back, Schedule A Coaching Call With Me!