In a level-headed effort to get your ex back, you applied the no contact rule. It wasn’t easy. There were times when you did not think you could stop yourself from reaching out to your ex. But hopefully, you did not contact them.
You showed composure, confidence, class, and dignity. Though the articles on this website assured you that the odds were in your favor that your ex would contact you, it seemed like a fairytale.
Then one day, your phone vibrated. You picked it up and it was a message from your ex! You knew that your response in the situation was important. That’s the purpose of this article. I want you to know what to do and what not to do when your ex contacts you during your application of the no contact rule.
The first thing that you need to understand is that you can’t just pick up where you left off. It would seem that you would be able to use the history that the two of you have to your advantage. While that will be the case at some point in the near future, it is not the case yet.
As I told one of my clients, it’s kind of like an old trail through a wooded area. As you walk that trail you will find that thorns have grown over parts of it and trees have fallen down over the path. You have to forge a new trail to your loved one’s heart. Why? Because the two of you are different and the relationship is different as well. The relationship has now seen a time of separation and hurt feelings. It is different in complex and simple ways.
That’s not necessarily a bad thing. You don’t want the relationship back that you had because it led to a breakup! You want a new relationship that still has many of the same elements from the previous one but that is on a stronger foundation and can last.
You will also be starting from a different point. It won’t be as far back as the first date, but you should think of it as a date that you two had when you were still getting to know each other. But we are getting ahead of ourselves.
So what do you say when your ex contacts you during no contact?
It depends on what they say. But in general you should be happy and lighthearted. They should feel like you are enjoying life and don’t have hard feelings towards them. In fact, it should seem like you aren’t thinking that they are contacting you to get back together with you. It should seem that such an idea is not on your mind and that you have most certainly not been sitting around waiting on them to contact you.
See where they are headed with what they say. The very fact that they have reached out to you probably means they want to get back together. Assume that your ex wants to see you. If they suggest getting together, respond with something polite and casual like, “Sure, it’d be fun to catch up.” Don’t tell them how happy you are they they want to get back together. Even if they definitely do, you must remain poised but if they aren’t sure, you’ll just look pathetic.
If they don’t suggest getting together, it could be because they just don’t have the guts and are not sure how you will respond. It’s okay to take the initiative if you stay casual. You can say something like, “We should get together and catch up, when are you free?” Or, if the conversation is going especially well, you could say, “I’d like to see you, when are you free to get together?”
This is what you wanted, so you need to reach out and take it! If they’re contacting you, the odds are extremely high that they want to see you and are thinking they want to get back together with you if you will have them.
When you meet up with them, keep things casual, let them be the one to come to you just as you have been doing during no contact. After all, they broke up with you. They did the leaving. Therefore it is your ex who needs to move toward you since they were the one who pulled away. That’s not being petty, that’s how things should happen for the best of the relationship. If you chase, even if you are able to get back together with this person, there will be an imbalance that could doom the relationship. Don’t underestimate it.
Assuming the two of you have a good meet up, and if you keep it casual, playful and light, then you need to take things slowly moving forward. It’s not healthy to just jump back into things head first even though that might be what it feels like you want in the moment. Think of the long-term health of the relationship and allow things to move slowly. Be careful about saying affectionate things and take your time defining the relationship again (these things must be “re-earned,” so to speak or else you demonstrate low value to your ex). Let things happen naturally and don’t be in a hurry to label things. Have fun together and take things one day at a time.
To get my help with your specific situation and a tailored map to getting your ex back, schedule a coaching session with me.