Your ex can love you, miss you, think about you every day, and still not come back.
That can be one of the most confusing parts of a breakup. You may know that the relationship mattered to them. You may even have reasons to believe they still have feelings for you. So why aren’t they doing anything about it?
Because having feelings for someone and deciding to get back together with that person are not the same thing.
Something has to move your ex from simply having feelings to actually wanting to return.
After more than two decades of helping people through breakups and reconciliations, I’ve seen five things that can push someone toward that decision.
1. Attraction Pulls Them Toward You
People don’t usually come back because their ex made a great argument.
They come back because something inside of them pulls them toward that person again.
That’s attraction.
Physical attraction is certainly part of it and shouldn’t be dismissed. But emotional attraction matters just as much and, in a long-term relationship, can matter even more.
One of the biggest mistakes I see after a breakup is someone believing that if they could just explain things one more time, their ex would finally understand.
“If I could just get them to see why we can fix this.”
“If I could explain what I meant.”
“If I could convince them that things would be different.”
The problem is that you’re trying to use logic to create desire.
People ultimately do what they want to do. They move toward what they feel drawn toward.
That’s why your energy is usually better spent becoming more attractive to your ex rather than trying to become more persuasive.
And becoming more attractive does not mean overwhelming them with your presence. In fact, after a breakup, that often has the opposite effect.
You don’t want your ex feeling that they have to defend their decision every time they hear from you.
You want attraction to have room to work.
2. Connection Makes You Difficult to Replace
After a breakup, many people unknowingly make moves that cost them ground. My Emergency Breakup Kit shows what helps, what hurts, and what often pushes an ex away.
New can be powerful.
A new person is exciting. They’re unknown. There’s novelty and anticipation. Everything can feel intense very quickly.
That’s especially true for someone who tends to chase limerence, the powerful emotional high that often accompanies the early stages of romantic attraction.
Some people become almost addicted to that feeling.
When the intensity fades and the relationship becomes normal, they assume something is wrong. They leave and chase that feeling with someone else.
But here’s something “new” usually doesn’t have:
History.
If you were with your ex for a meaningful amount of time, you may have a connection that can’t simply be duplicated by meeting another attractive person.
You have memories.
Inside jokes.
Experiences nobody else shared with them.
You may even have developed a feeling of family with each other.
That matters.
But you can make it difficult for your ex to feel the value of that connection if your current presence in their life becomes negative.
If every interaction with you brings pressure, guilt, arguments, begging, pleading or emotional conversations they don’t want to have, then your ex may begin associating you with those feelings.
Meanwhile, the new person represents fun, novelty and escape.
That’s a terrible comparison to create for yourself.
The connection you built during your relationship can be one of your greatest advantages after a breakup, but you have to stop burying it underneath negative interactions.
3. The Loss Has to Become Real
This may be the most important point.
A decision must have consequences before someone can truly evaluate whether it was the right decision.
If your ex ended the relationship but still has almost unlimited access to you, what exactly have they lost?
They can still text you.
They can still talk to you.
They can still get emotional support from you.
They can still know that you’re waiting for them.
They may even be able to see you whenever they want.
That’s why I tell people something very simple:
They cannot miss what they haven’t lost.
You can make the greatest argument in the world. You can tell them how much you love them. You can promise that everything will change.
But eventually your ex has to experience life without you.
That’s one of the reasons I recommend the No Contact Rule in most dating breakups.
The breakup has to become real.
Your absence gives your ex the opportunity to experience the consequences of the decision they made.
That’s when memories can become more powerful.
That’s when curiosity can develop.
That’s when they can start wondering what you’re doing.
And that’s when missing you becomes possible.
Marriage can be different because separation and divorce involve circumstances that aren’t always present in dating relationships. If your marriage is in trouble, I have a free mini-course on saving a marriage at MarriageRadio.com under the Marriage Help section.
But when we’re talking about the breakup of a dating relationship, your ex needs an opportunity to actually experience losing you.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is get lost.
4. Coming Back Must Feel Better Than Staying Away
Many people experience a period of relief immediately after ending a relationship.
That doesn’t necessarily mean they never loved you.
If there was conflict, tension or uncertainty leading up to the breakup, ending the relationship can temporarily remove that pressure.
And relief feels good.
That feeling can even reinforce the breakup:
“This must have been the right decision because I feel better now.”
That’s another reason pursuing an ex immediately after a breakup can backfire.
Instead of allowing that relief stage to pass, you give them a new source of pressure.
You’re texting.
You’re asking how they feel.
You’re asking whether they’ve changed their mind.
You’re trying to discuss the relationship again.
Now your ex isn’t comparing the relationship with losing you.
They’re comparing being away from you with the stress they feel whenever you contact them.
You don’t want that.
Eventually, if you’ve given them enough space, a different question can emerge:
“What would happen if I went back?”
That’s an important moment.
Missing you can create the desire to return.
Believing the relationship could actually be better can make returning feel safer.
If your relationship had problems, those problems still matter.
Maybe your ex didn’t feel wanted.
Maybe the effort wasn’t equal.
Maybe there was constant bickering.
Maybe they had to ask repeatedly for affection.
Maybe they felt rejected.
Whatever the problems were, you don’t want to pile new negatives on top of the old ones by refusing to accept the breakup.
Even if you’ve already begged, pleaded or chased, it’s not too late to stop.
Give them fewer reasons to stay away.
5. Their Motivation to Return Must Become Stronger Than Their Resistance
Your ex can be attracted to you.
They can miss you.
They can remember the connection.
They can even wonder whether breaking up was a mistake.
And they still might not come back.
Why?
Because there’s another side of the equation: resistance.
There can be competing motivations.
They may be afraid of being hurt again.
They may have too much pride to admit that the breakup was a mistake.
They may remember the conflict and worry that getting back together means returning to the same problems.
There may be another person.
Family members or friends may be encouraging them to stay away.
Sometimes people convince themselves that they need to be single and “find themselves.” I’ve seen plenty of cases where someone says they need independence only to end up dating someone else shortly afterward.
Friends can influence this as well. I’ve seen people encourage someone to leave a relationship because they want their friend to be single with them. Then those same friends disappear into relationships of their own.
Ultimately, though, the equation is fairly simple.
Is your ex’s motivation to move toward you becoming stronger than their motivation to stay away?
That’s the battle taking place.
And that’s why chasing usually doesn’t accomplish what people hope it will.
You aren’t trying to drag your ex across that line.
You want the emotional forces pulling them toward you to become stronger than the forces holding them back.
What Actually Pulls an Ex Back?
When you put all five pieces together, you can see why simply convincing your ex doesn’t work very often.
Attraction pulls them toward you.
Connection makes you difficult to replace.
Loss allows them to experience what life without you actually feels like.
A positive expectation about the relationship makes returning feel safer.
And finally, their motivation to come back has to become stronger than whatever is telling them to stay away.
You can’t control every part of that process.
But you can avoid doing things that interfere with it.
If you’re going through a dating breakup, my Reunion Blueprint walks you through what to do next and is available for $7 at ReunionBlueprint.com.
If you’d rather talk with me directly about your situation, you can book a coaching session with me.
And if you need a break from thinking about your breakup altogether, I also starred in a movie called The Legend of Van Dorn, now available on Amazon Prime.
Don’t worry. I’m not giving up my day job.
Why does giving an ex space make a difference?
Space allows your ex to experience the breakup without the pressure of repeated conversations, texts, or attempts to change their mind. It also gives them an opportunity to experience your absence. It’s difficult for someone to truly miss a relationship when they haven’t experienced what losing it feels like.
Can chasing an ex make them less likely to come back?
It can. Repeatedly pursuing, begging, pleading, or asking an ex to reconsider can cause them to associate you with pressure and stress. Giving them room can remove those negative interactions and allow the positive parts of your relationship to become more noticeable again.
What makes an ex feel safe about getting back together?
An ex may feel safer considering reconciliation when they believe returning will be different from repeating the relationship that ended. If the problems that contributed to the breakup appear likely to continue, missing you may not be enough to overcome their hesitation.
What has to change before an ex decides to come back?
An ex is more likely to seriously consider returning when the reasons pulling them toward the relationship become stronger than the reasons they have for staying away. Attraction, connection, experiencing your absence, and believing the relationship could be better can all influence that decision.
