Hi, this is Coach Lee and in this video, I’m going to discuss how to tell if your ex is still in love with you.
To start off, we need to answer the question, “What is love?”
Love can come in different forms, and it’s essential to understand this concept to comprehend the different phases that your ex might be going through, the various feelings that they might have, and how they might fluctuate between different types of love for you.
I’m going to provide more details about love, how falling in and out of love works, and how you can recognize these things in your ex.
First, let’s talk about the five different types of love.
1. Generic Love
Generic love encompasses love for all humanity and creation.
It’s a kind of love where we don’t wish harm on others and want to help if we can.
We also place some value on others. Your ex likely has this love for you, unless there was severe trauma or abuse in your relationship that might have altered their feelings towards you.
In this kind of love, two people enjoy being together, doing things together, and have intimacy.
It’s not romantic intimacy, but they know a lot about each other, share facts and feelings about their life, and enjoy each other’s company.
However, they’re not romantically interested in each other.
If your ex offers you friendship, it’s best to politely decline or sarcastically/casually accept it and then not act like a friend.
This means not seeking facts and feelings about their life, not staying in contact with them, and going in a different direction.
If you don’t take their offer seriously, they will recognize that you’re not acting like a friend.
There are different types of love, and when it comes to a romantic relationship, you need more than just friendship.
3. Love For Family
One type of love is family love, where you love your parents, siblings, and children, as well as extended family members like cousins, in-laws, and aunts and uncles.
Another type of love is romantic love, which can come in different levels, such as new or mature romantic love.
Mature romantic love is often based on commitment, companionship, and a feeling of family.
In a romantic relationship, you want all of these types of love, but you also need romantic love to be part of it.
4. Romantic Love
Romantic love can be very self-centered at the beginning of a relationship, where you want your needs to be met and are too focused on yourself.
There is nothing wrong with wanting your needs to be met, but your focus should be on fulfilling your partner’s needs and their job should be on fulfilling yours.
That usually happens when mature people are in a relationship and romantic love grows.
You start to focus on your partner, and they focus on you.
You become interdependent on each other, but not codependent.
You trust each other to meet certain needs, which is a beautiful thing.
The best romantic love gets better with time.
The next type of love I want to talk about is limerence.
5. Limerence Love
Limerence occurs at the beginning of a relationship, where you can’t base it on companionship or commitment or having grown together because the relationship is so new.
You can only base it on the new passion you feel for this person.
Limerence produces feelings of sky-high emotions due to the chemicals your brain produces.
People can become so enamored and addicted to limerence that they think that when it fades, the relationship is over, and the love is gone.
However, it’s important to know that romantic love is based on more than just limerence, and that limerence will fade. But over the time you experience limerence, you can build things like commitment, companionship, intimacy and the feeling of family.
For the most part, limerence fades away. It doesn’t mean it goes away completely, and sometimes you can feel some of those sparks of limerence again.
For example, if you do new things together, experience new things together, then that can re-spark some limerence. Having romantic experiences together, even if you’ve had them before, can also do the same thing.
Being away from each other for a few days and then seeing each other for the first time in those few days can also re-spark some limerence, but it likely won’t reach the highs that it would of a new relationship.
That’s something that most people have trouble accepting sometimes, and that’s just something that will be helpful if you understand that.
You will actually have a more balanced type of love as time goes on, to where it’s not just dependent on the passion of limerence.
Because you don’t want to have to depend on that.
It’s like depending on a drug.
You want to be able to have support and contribution from these other things that I’ve mentioned, like companionship, commitment, and the feeling of family.
You can’t just depend on limerence, or you will have that sensation, that feeling, that understanding that feelings have faded, and you will think the relationship is over when it doesn’t have to be.
So, when I ask how you can know if your ex is still in love with you, what type of love am I talking about?
Well, in many ways, I’m talking about all of the things that I mentioned, but I’m focusing on romantic love.
How do you know if your ex still has romantic love for you?
Here are a few clues:
First Clue – They Seek Information
First, they’re going to seek information about you, even if it’s just very minor details like what you did today, what you’ve been doing, what happened with a certain thing at work, maybe with you or with your family.
And they might not get that information from you.
A lot of times, they go to your friends or they just go to social media and see if they can find it.
But that desire for information about you is them wanting to feel intimacy with you again.
They’re recognizing that they don’t feel it anymore because they aren’t seeing you and hearing from you like they were when you two were a couple.
They couldn’t put it into words. They wouldn’t know exactly what it is that they’re missing, but they’re missing something that’s not there, and they’re craving it. And so, they will try to find it.
Even if they don’t interact with you, they could still get a little bit of fulfillment by getting some information about you.
It’s like a temporary way of just getting them through so they feel some of the intimacy that they’ve lost since the breakup.
Before I get to the next point, get some more information on my Emergency Breakup Kit. It’s so important if you want your ex back it’s a powerful guide to get your ex back based on 20 years of my experience in the relationship coaching service.
Also join my Support Community where you can get help, support and guidance from people who are going through exactly what you’re going through. I’m part of it and involved in the community as well as my other coaches to help you get through a breakup and hopefully get your ex back, and especially to support you during no contact.
The next thing you will notice, and it’s usually after they seek some information, especially if they only get a little bit, and we actually want them to get just a small amount. Your goal should actually be that they don’t get any information because that’s almost impossible.
And since they’re not with you, they’re not going to get true intimate fulfillment, they’re going to seek more information. And they’re also going to be feeling it from another area that is part of intimacy, and that’s physically.
Second Clue: They Seek Physical Presence and Contact
And it’s not just sex, it’s being physically present with someone, it’s holding their hand, it’s touching them, it’s hugging them, kissing them. Those are attributes of physical intimacy.
And so often, what they’ll do is they will want a face-to-face with you, even if it’s just coming to pick up their stuff.
They’ll say, “I need to come get my things,” and maybe it’s something that’s really not valuable at all, like only one sock or a pet’s toy or something like that that could be easily replaced, doesn’t have much value, or that you could even just ship back to them.
And yet, they want to come get it. There’s probably a reason for that, and it’s that they want to be around you physically.
They want to be present with you physically, maybe give you a hug.
It’s going to start small, and a lot of people get their feelings hurt or discouraged because the ex just has a hug, has a little conversation, gets their cat’s toy, and then they’re leaving, and the person thinks, “Well, that didn’t go well,” or “I didn’t get back together with them,” and it can be discouraging.
But it usually starts with just a step, and they go away and they think about how good it felt to hug you, see you, to look into your eyes, to hear your voice, and to be around you physically, and that is what can draw them back again.
They’re going to want more if you stay away.
Now, if you fill in that gap to where all of a sudden they feel that pressure again and they think that maybe they’ve moved too quickly, then that’s where that could be a problem.
So don’t do that because you can push them away.
But when they come to you to get their things or some other excuse or even if you have coffee, a hug, maybe even a kiss if it just feels natural, sometimes with this person it makes sense and it happens. Don’t make a big deal about it.
It’s natural, so of course that’s what you two are going to do because you’re great for each other. That needs to be your attitude, and so you’re not going to be surprised.
You’re not going to say, ‘Does this mean we’re back together?’ or anything like that.
In some ways, even act as though you expected it.
That’s how you would handle that, and I get into a lot more detail about that in my Emergency Breakup Kit and can answer questions about that in the support community.
But they are going to desire physical contact with you in some way, to a small level at least, and that’s because they do have some of this romantic love for you that causes them to crave intimacy and make your ex miss you.
When we have romantic love for someone, we want to know what is going on in their life and how they feel about it.
We want to physically know them as well.
And so when you see signs of those things, then you can have a pretty good idea that there’s still some of that love, that romantic love, that’s lingering within them.
And that can be the spark and the fuel for you getting back together, as long as you let it keep growing and moving toward them.
On your part, moving toward them too quickly is actually going to stifle it most of the time.
You want to give them just enough that they do get some fulfillment, but not enough that they don’t want more.
So you want to leave room for them to come to you.
If you fill in that gap, if you move toward them too quickly and there’s nothing for them to do, then they actually feel like they’re being pushed away because you’re just so overwhelming.
And as I talk about in other videos, if you can imagine sort of this middle line, maybe in the middle of the screen here, and that’s where you are interdependent on each other, not codependent, but interdependent, which is healthy.
If one person backs away and the other person crosses that middle line, that’s where we’re talking about obsession, and where people start feeling like they’re being stalked or they start feeling like you want this way more than they do, or they can even think of you as being mentally or emotionally unstable.
So that’s why I’m telling you, don’t push too much. Less can be more sometimes and this is one of those times!
Small steps are progress, and that’s actually your best bet.
So don’t try to get it all back at once.
When they want physical intimacy and connection with you again, the third thing you’re going to notice is when they do meet with you, this may not happen the first time, but as these meetings start to happen and they start wanting a little bit more and a little bit more, they’re going to talk about the future.
They will talk about what you two are going to be doing in the future or where you are going to go.
Maybe we need to go back to that restaurant or we need to go back to that resort, or says something like, “I hope we can have another lazy night where we just lay in bed and watch movies again soon.”
Or they suggest a movie for the two of you to watch together or something like that, but they’re talking about future plans with you.
Intimacy and romantic love are powerful signs in a relationship.
When you see these signs, it’s important not to get too excited or you might give it all back at once.
It’s important to allow your partner to grow and keep moving towards you, so they can work for something they value.
If your partner broke up with you, it’s important to be reserved and move slowly. They should feel like they have to earn you back in a lot of ways, and you should be cautious about them.
It’s important to let them know that you’re not certain, as it sets the expectation that they can’t just get you back at any point.
A casual response is ideal when they reach out, so you can set the tone of the interaction and what they know about how you feel.
Being casual but polite is important, and you should give them some positive feedback, but not too much all at once.
Romantic love is the desire for intimacy, and when you feel like you can’t get enough, that’s where passion comes in.
You want them to keep moving towards you, but you don’t want to make a big leap. Enjoy the process and don’t give it all away at once. If you see some of the signs of intimacy and romantic love, no matter how small they may be, the odds are good that your ex still has feelings for you and those feelings are beginning to reignite.
Following the no contact rule and making sure that things are slow when they come towards you can increase your odds of success.
If there’s any traction with them having those feelings of romantic love, then you’re in a great place.
I highly recommend my Emergency Breakup Kit to give you the best chance possible of getting your ex back.
No matter what, I wish you the very best.
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