Below is an automatic transcript of this video. An edited, final transcript and article will be available soon.
This is Coach Lee and I’m going to explain what happens when you don’t contact your ex.
If you’re wondering about what goes on with your ex when you don’t contact them, it’s probably because you are considering using the no contact rule.
Your ex has broken up with you and now you wonder if the no contact rule will help you get them back.
I bet you are wondering how it impacts them and I have other videos that talk about this in other ways. This is one where I will talk about it in a way I haven’t before.
I’m going to tell you five things that happen when you don’t contact your ex and this is generally speaking. No contact doesn’t work in every single situation even though I wish that it did, but it works a lot and when it does, this is what happens:
1. You stop or prevent a fight
And why that’s important is because, if there is a fight about this and a lot of people fight about the breakup by demanding to know why the other person won’t work on it, why they won’t take them back, why they are doing this, etc., it turns into one side versus the other.
So instead of you having any semblance of being on the same side of the table, it is opposing forces and your ex becomes the defender of themselves.
They are defending themselves against you and so it puts them on the opposite side of the table and they become a good warrior against you.
If they are used to fighting you on this or anything, but especially in this moment, then it’s difficult for them to have feelings of warmth and it’s difficult for them to go to the other side because a lot of times people will fight even if they don’t believe the things they’re fighting for. They’re just so used to fighting against something else and a lot of times they don’t really know why except that they have always fought it and that can actually happen with your ex.
They just get used to fighting against the relationship and fighting for the breakup and feeling like they’re defending themselves against you and they get in this rut where their emotions and their mind connect and they even if they don’t know why, they’ll keep fighting against you and you don’t want that to be a possibility.
So whereas, after the breakup, I tell people they should tell them, “I don’t agree with this. I think we’re great together and I don’t want to be broken up with,” but you also have to have the ability to realize you don’t always get what you want and that they want something different right now.
You’re not going to get what you want by making them go against their own heart and in the moment they think they don’t want to be with you.
Accept that that could change but that right now (at least) that’s what’s going on. If you fight them when they feel this way, it makes it seem as if this is their reality and you are trying to make them go against their own heart.
That will make it very difficult for you to get any traction on that and they will grow to resent you and will fight against you.
They will also likely be defensive constantly and you won’t make progress but, instead, you will severely delay the window that opens when you could get them back.
By not contacting them, however, you show them you’re not fighting them on this and that you’re letting them make their own decisionn and to do what they think is best for themselves – which is what you have to do in life when you’re dealing with an adult.
Children need help with their decisions and sometimes, if they make the wrong ones, an adult who cares about them and knows better needs to help them make the right one – even if it means making that for them – but with another adult in the situation, you cannot make their decision for them and it is a terrific sign of maturity if you accept their decision and they will see that.
2. You prevent their desire for escape
Because if you are just contacting them, sending them letters and won’t let them get the breakup they think they want, then they will see this escape from you and from the relationship as some beautiful thing in the distance they can’t get to. And why can’t they get to it? It’s because of you.
You don’t want them seeing you as what’s keeping them from “escaping.”
When you fight them, when they feel like they can’t pull away from you, they will feel likethey are trying to escape. And what is it that you want to escape? A trap. It’s a cage. So don’t let it feel like you are a cage keeping them from escaping because that will only make them try to escape even more!
It will make them have energy and fight inside of them to run further away from you emotionally and to feel like you are the one keeping them from happiness and you don’t want them to feel that at all.
As a matter of fact you want them to wonder if happiness was with you. You want to give them the opportunity to look back at the days and times, the experiences, and the moments you had together and for them to wonder to themselves, “Was that actually happiness? Did I just give away happiness? Can I get it back?
But if you make it to where they’re fighting so much trying to get to this other place, even if they haven’t thought of it necessarily that way before or it hasn’t had such a colossal status attached to it, the more they fight to escape and the more that the concept of escape seems to be wonderful and where fulfillment for them is.
So if you don’t give them the breakup, you actually build it up as an escape from you.
Giving them the breakup, however, is such a powerful thing to do and is one of the most attractive things you can do because it shows lots of strength confidence and maturity so there’s lots of things going on here take a quick second And subscribe to this channel so you can be notified when I have more videos like this number three and this is one you don’t usually think about in the moment but it prevents their friends from being a negative influence and it may not be 100 that it does but it helps so much to prevent most of it because if you are reaching out and contacting and becoming emotional pleading going to where they live their friends will a lot of times say what a stalker or they’ll say that you’re emotionally unstable or that you’re crazy or creepy they will make you out to be insane rather than having sympathy and saying oh you have to understand he’s hurting she’s hurting usually they’re not going to act that way they are going to talk about you like you’re an animal and a lot of times they do this because they are friends with your ex and they don’t want to see your ex hurt and so they’re trying to make you seem less attractive so your ex won’t feel as bad that’s how they view it and so you disarm them by just leaving your ex alone it seems so simple and yet it is so powerful and it will at least give them less ammunition to make you look like someone your ex doesn’t want to be with to begin with I talk about this a lot in my emergency breakup kit and there will be a link in the description below but you can get more information about that kit at myexbackcoach.com number four if you don’t contact them it allows them to miss you because if you are constantly there you’re constantly present and in front of them they can’t miss you you aren’t absent you’re still in their life they are still hearing from you and I feel like they are still fighting and struggling with breaking up with you so they certainly can’t miss you and the mistake a lot of people will make is I’ll give them a few days and they’ll think that’s enough you have to give them a lot of time before they miss you because as in one of the videos I talk about the stages your ex goes through after a breakup and they are in relief that they got this Awkward Moment over with to start with so a few days is not going to make them miss you or at least not enough to want to get back together they may miss your company a little bit but I can tell you this if you are contacting them pestering them bothering them making them feel like you were trying to force them to get back together with you they certainly can’t miss you because you’re right there you won’t leave whereas if you leave and you provide this giant vacuum where nothing is there you’re not there that’s when they can miss you when is it they can miss you when you go out of town when they go out of town when the those rare times when you’re not able to be together that’s when they would miss you in the relationship now it’s going to be it will take a lot of your absence to allow them to miss you and so it’s a fairly basic thing that I talk about a lot but it belongs on this list if you don’t contact them they have the capacity they are allowed to miss you the circumstances are right for that so give them that because you need them to miss you or else why do they want to get back together number five when you don’t contact your ex it changes the attraction Dynamics and what I mean by that is that when they break up with you they think that you are beneath them on the attraction scale maybe not a whole lot but at least enough that they are the ones breaking up with you and so even if they tell you things like you deserve better or even if they tell you you’re going to make someone such a wonderful girlfriend or wife or boyfriend or husband one day but just not me you deserve better than me if they tell you those things they’re just excuses they want to try to get out of this room or this place where you are without you fighting them without it being a lot of drama and so they will tell you all these silly things it’s not you it’s me they don’t mean those things I need to work on myself they don’t mean that they can work on themselves if they’re with you as a matter of fact we all should be working on ourselves and our partner can help that’s life so saying those things is just an excuse to try to make it easier so that they think they won’t get drama from the situation and you shouldn’t give them that drama anyway just nod your head I understand I think this is great I think we’re great together I hope you’ll reconsider but don’t fight them on it and if you showed some emotion at the breakup that’s understandable a lot of people mess up at the moment of the breakup that’s just how it is that’s human nature and it shows that you hurt because this meant something thing to you usually that can be repaired by no contact it might take a little bit longer but you’re not out of it and if they see that you’re not coming after them then it doesn’t compute because if they were more attractive and they dismissed you it would make sense that you would come after them because it would be like this wonderful thing has been taken from your life and you would put all this work into trying to get it back but when you don’t it’s confusing and it makes them feel like maybe they are not quite as attractive as they thought and it at least puts you more on an even scale with them in some cases if they start to feel like they’re losing you and they start thinking well of course because he’s attractive or she’s attractive they can be with whoever they want that’s why I feel for them in the first place they can really start becoming your ally in getting their own selves back to you because they start seeing you as more attractive than they did when they broke up with you and that changes the whole lens of how they look at you and they look at the relationship that you two had together if you like this video take take a look at my video the psychology of re-attraction that will be in the end screen jere on YouTube this has been Coach Lee and as always thank you for watching