This video is about how to change your ex’s mind about you and about getting back together.
Your ex has to change their mind in order for them to want you back.
In order for them to change, certain things have to happen.
I’m going to explain three of those things and what you can do to help speed those things along.
The first thing that has to happen is observation.
Your ex has to see that you won’t fix their mess.
Basically, they have to learn and realize by your inaction and the passing of time that they can’t just break up with you and expect you to do all the work of getting you two back together.
You doing all the work and putting all the energy into reuniting is unattractive and it will prevent them from actually thinking they could lose you.
What’s worse, it will likely cause other breakups in the future if and when you two get back together and reunite.
So it’s very important that you don’t try to fix what they broke and that you let them know and them feel that this is on them and that there are consequences to their actions.
Show her or him that you believe in the real world where there are consequences and that you’re not going to bail them out.
The next observation is that your ex has to see that you can stay away.
They have to see that you have the ability, the inner strength, and that you have the quality of life that you can stay away from them and that you aren’t stalking and contacting and begging and pleading and showing up and just constantly there.
Your ex actually has to see you disappear!
It’s like breaking up with them instead for a change.
Instead of just your ex breaking up with you, it’s you breaking up with them right back!
Last Observation Before Next Point
And the last observation before I move on is that your ex has to realize that they could lose you.
That’s very important. People will often say, “Well why would they care since they broke up with me?”
I get the question, but the answer is, when they break up with you they are NOT losing you.
In fact, your ex is in total control of the situation.
They’re deciding for the two of you.
They’re saying, “I am choosing to eliminate you from my life. I’m choosing to dissolve this relationship and you have no say.”
That’s what they’re doing and so they feel that they could not lose you because they are in control.
So if they decide at some point to change the terms of the relationship again and say “Now we’re back together!” then that is where they have this sense of control all the more.
In a lot of ways, it’s like a dictator who rules a government. You have no say. The dictator can take your money, can take your land, can lock you down in a home, and there’s nothing you can say about it because you have no military backing you.
Don’t let your ex become your dictator.
Show them that they could lose you, that this could be a terrible mistake that they regret later, and if you keep trying to bail them out of it, if you keep reaching out to see how they feel and doing little nice things for them or saying nice things or being considerate and reaching out on holidays or when things happen, then all you’re showing them is that they have a free pass.
You are giving them a total hall pass as we say in America.
You are showing them that in this situation and at any time they want, they could snap their fingers and get you back.
That will wreak havoc on your efforts to get them back because if they think they can get you back any second, there’s no pressure on it and they can keep taking steps away from you even toward other people without fear of consequence and that will simply ruin your chances.
So you must show them that they could lose you.
They must beleive that you could get away and there would be nothing they could do about it.
The basics of how you do that is by using the no contact rule and by staying away so that your ex can actually experience and go through that silence from you where nothing is happening.
It is the ultimate flex.
Number two is similar but…
2. It Takes a Time Stamp
In other words, a certain amount of time has to pass before this can happen and that’s where they have the pain of regret.
It takes time to where they can look at their phone and they can see it’s been this long since you’ve contacted them. 30 days 60 days 90 days etc.
Your ex needs to see those important marks and measurements of time because that’s the power of your statement!
Your statement is: “I will not fix what you broke. I can stay away and you could lose me. You could have made a terrible mistake!”
That takes time for them to realize and it usually doesn’t happen in a day or two or a week or two. It takes longer than that and usually it takes a couple of months or more.
The good news is, if you can stay away and you can do that for a couple of months, then the future can be very bright because they know that if they break up with you you are not coming to bail them out. You’re not coming to save them from their mistake.
So they are less likely to do it again because they realize the consequences are there BUT if they think it’s consequence free and that you will do whatever to get them back and you’ll keep doing it, then not only will they get far enough away from you that they don’t even want it back at all or even consider it, but they will just figure that they can break up with you again if they ever get upset at you or you’re not playing ball like they want you to. That is, you’re not kissing up or worshiping them or enough or whatever it is, they will just say, “Well I can dump them and watch them come crawling back to me and begging,” which is a big time ego stroke and raises them on the attraction totem pole and it lowers your attractiveness – so big no-nos!
You are better than that!
Before I get to number three, take a quick second and get some information on my Emergency Breakup Kit. It’s an online course to help you get your ex back!
Number three is one where a lot of times other coaches will set up a straw man to pretend they are arguing with me and that they won because they beat the straw man that they created – and it’s ridiculous! But number three is…
3. Your ex must see you as reasonable – here is what that means
What do I mean by that? Well, for starters, don’t respond in anger.
Don’t respond with something cold and don’t ignore your ex because if they feel that they will get no traction with you and that it’s just a hopeless case since they’ve already broken up with you and there’s already been some space because you’ve been silent like you’re supposed to then they will just assume it’s over and they will try to move on.
Do you really want them to have to try to move on?
Do you want them to have motivation to move on or to think that there’s no point in reaching out to you?
It doesn’t take a high IQ to realize your chances are much lower when they feel like they cannot reach out to you or that you’re unreasonable or too angry to talk about it. If they think those things, they will likely think that you won’t consider taking them back.
The same is true if you are ignoring them. Not only will they wonder if you got the message at all, they will feel rejected and begin to think that there is no point in contacting you.
Do you really think that that’s a good situation to be in?
And yet some other so-called “coaches” will tell you to ignore them because it sounds so dang cool. It sounds so strong to just ignore them when they reach out.
And they’ll even say that you should ignore them until they just serve it on a platter to you and say something like, “I’ve realized I’ve made such a terrible mistake. Will you please take me back?”
That’s unlikely to be the first message. I have to appeal to 22 years that I have been a relationship coach as I have watched people take advice from other people who claim they know what they’re talking about in terms of ignoring an ex. When they reach out to you, according to some, you’re just supposed to ignore them. That’s what some of them tell you.
I have watched it and a lot of times someone would book a coaching session with me and tell me, “I did what this coach said and now it’s been four months and I never heard anything else. What do I do now?”
Well I would have to tell them that they’re in a mess and it’s because their ex sees them as unreasonable and so they just gave up.
The majority of the time, they are not going to reach out and immediately say that they messed up. Most of the time, they aren’t going to say, “I want you back!”
When they do, it’s terrific and that is when no contact really impacts them, but most of the time, just like you would do in a normal conversation, you start with small talk. You kind of see if this person is reasonable. You see if they will respond.
You do that before you try something huge like “Will you take me back?”
That’s just normal if you think about your own self when you start a conversation. Are your first words the most intense thing you wanted to talk about?
Or is it something like, “So, how have you been? What’s going on?” or “Hi.”
You see how it’s simple and yet that doesn’t make them evil or uninterested? It doesn’t mean they haven’t learned their lesson. It means they’re checking to see if you’re reasonable and if there’s a chance that you would take them back.
They’re likely and hopefully building up to it give themselves a chance to do that and get to the serious part.
Be patient and mature enough to do that rather than ignore them until they give you a profound message begging for you back.
And again, I’m speaking to people who want their ex back!
Sometimes people will comment on my videos on YouTube and they’ll ask, “Why would I do that? Why would I want her back?” or “Why would I want him back?”
If that’s you, that’s great! You don’t need to be reading this post or watching my videos and it doesn’t make sense for you to do anything but to ignore them and get away from them.
I’m not talking about that situation.
I’m talking about a situation where you want to give it another chance and you think that maybe there was confusion, that the breakup was unnecessary – maybe it’s your fault, maybe it’s their fault, it’s usually a combination – but you just want to see if things can work out because sometimes people get confused.
Some of the greatest relationships that I know of had times when both of them thought they would not be together or one of them thought they didn’t want to be with the other person. People make mistakes and sometimes people make big mistakes and sometimes they figure it out.
When you have someone who wants to be with you after they thought they didn’t and they learn from that, that’s incredible potential for a long-term, happy relationship because they have learned.
And I can’t tell you how wonderful that situation can be. So maybe you don’t give up. You don’t have to make any final decision right now but for the moment consider that your ex won’t change without these things and the real question is, are you willing to allow the time to pass? Are you willing to wait and I don’t mean that you put your life on hold forever, but that you take a break for a few months just to see if the dust clears and this can work out. You need that time for healing anyway.
All you can do is your best. You can put yourself in the best position to get your ex back and take it one day at a time.
No matter what, I wish you the very best.