The No Contact Rule When You Live With Your Ex

Using the No Contact Rule when you live together with your ex or simply getting an ex back when you live together is one of the most often mentioned situations I’m consulted on concerning breakups.

While I do have an article with a video on the No Contact Rule If You Have Kids Together, it’s more focused on the challenges of getting an ex back with the specific responsibilities of having children together and not as much on living together since a lot of couples separate when children are in the picture.

Another post of mind is about Intelligent Contact when you are married or live with your partner who wants to leave or split up.

When you are living with an ex and couples who own or rent a home together often try to continue living together after a breakup (even if it’s temporary).

Married couples where one of them wants to save their marriage also need a good understanding of how no contact works when you live together. Note: If you are married and your spouse wants to leave (or has left) get my free mini-course on saving a marriage (it’s specific for marriage). 

The No Contact Rule has multiple purposes.

For starters, it prevents you from pushing your ex further away by begging, pleading, crying, yelling, and overwhelming him/her with your presence.

When someone has broken up with you, they already know that you want to be with them and that you don’t want the breakup (or else you would’ve broken up with them).

You probably already told them that you want to stay together when they broke up with you.

So there’s no need to repeat yourself or try to convince them because that is NOT the issue.

It’s not a contest of how much you want them or love them.

This is true even if they broke up with you for lack of affection or if they didn’t think you loved them enough.

After a breakup, different dynamics are at work.

If you two were still completely together, there would be a need for you to show more affection or love if that was an issue.

After the breakup, however, attraction and fear of loss become the main issues and are a necessity to getting your ex back whether you live with them or not.

If attraction and fear of loss are high enough, they’re willing to overlook the issues that contributed to the breakup.

How can I say that?

Think about it. You two dated, lived together, and were lovers for how long?

Your ex “put up with it,” for a while most likely, because attraction was high enough to overshadow the negatives.

And while I’m not telling you to ignore the negatives that caused the breakup, I’m telling you that when you are trying to get them back, your focus must be on attraction along with fear of loss and that is where the no contact rule comes into play even if you live with your ex (no contact is for you as well, but we are focusing on how it impacts your ex right now).

Getting Your Ex Back If You Live Together

When you live together, there will almost certainly be contact.

It’s similar in some ways to using the no contact rule when you work with your ex.

Some ex-couples successfully avoid each other to some degree, but it’s nearly impossible to do it completely when you are living with an ex.

You’ll see each other when one or both of you comes in from work.

If you both prefer meals at your table or need the kitchen for food preparation, you will likely need that area around the same times when you live together.

Those are just a couple of examples and I’m sure you’ve already come across others.

So how can you use the No Contact Rule if you live together with your ex?

That goes back to what I mentioned earlier about the intent of the rule.

Whether you are living together with an ex or not, the intent of no contact is to increase attraction and to cause fear of losing you within your ex.

You might be wondering why your ex would be concerned or fear losing you if they broke up with you.

It goes back to the differing dynamics associated with a relationship and a breakup.

I suggest that you read my article, “What Your Ex Is Thinking During No Contact” after you read this one all the way through first (that’s very important).

So open the link above in a new window and have that article waiting for you for after you finish this article.

So after a breakup, your ex goes through certain stages of realizations and emotions.

Even if your ex starts dating someone else while you two still live together, it’s unlikely they just ride off into the sunset, unscathed from moving forward without you.

It might appear that way to you, but it’s likely not what is really happening inside of them.

Sure, your ex might say that there’s no chance the two of you will get back together. 

That should not add to your concern.

Why would I say that?

Because you already know they want to break up with you.

In the mind and heart of your ex, it’s over.

That is not new information and it doesn’t change anything.

Most people who break up with someone believe it’s permanent.

By going into no contact, even if you live together, you are working to change the heart and mind of your ex boyfriend, ex girlfriend, or separated spouse.

How To Use No Contact In Same Home

Since no contact is letting the other person feel and experience the breakup, the key is to let them feel that you are doing fine with it and that your ex isn’t getting to experience the benefits of being with you as they were when you were a couple.

1. Make yourself scarce as much as possible. That means it’s time to reunite with friends and family as much as possible.

Not only will this help you get your ex back, it will help you by allowing you to be around people who won’t break up with you.

It will also let your ex wonder about you.

Note: You shouldn’t be trying to make your ex jealous right now.

That can blow up in your face if they think you are trying to do things to cause that.

It could also make them question you as a person and lover simply because they’ll wonder if you really ever cared about them if you were able to start another relationship that quickly after the breakup.

They might even think of you in a sadly-humorous light by thinking you are in a pathetic rebound relationship which could bring them comfort and make it appear that you are not handling the breakup well.

The mystery of what you’re doing is the key.

You’d rather your ex wonder about what you’re doing and who it’s with.

That way they’ll be at home, wondering about you and realizing how you have friends and people who want to be around you.

They’ll wonder if interested, potential lovers are among the group you are with.

Let them wonder.

2. Keep interactions with your ex “business only” as much as possible.

That means that if you two have to discuss the bad plumbing or the leaking roof, that’s fine, but don’t interact based on other topics if possible.

Your ex or spouse must feel the consequences of their decision and that is your absence.

In order to miss you and miss your place in their life, your ex or separated spouse must experience your absence as much as possible.

How else can they miss you?

They can’t miss you if you are constantly there.

3. Show them what they’re missing.

Did you used to have coffee together on the back porch?

Don’t stop. Go out there and sip your brew while you listen to the birds chirp.

Let him or her see. That doesn’t mean you draw artificial attention to it.

Your ex boyfriend, ex girlfriend, or aspiring-ex spouse will notice without much help since you are living together while broken up.

It might not affect them much at first, but usually seeing you doing things that you two used to do together will have an impact and add to other things he or she is feeling.

This is especially true when they are by themselves and notice.

If he or she questions you about it, play it off as no big deal.

Don’t be a source of drama or neediness – again, so that the impression is there that you are handling the breakup just fine.

It’s okay if you’re not and I get that.

It hurts and that’s because you are human and you love this person.

You don’t want to lose them.

You want them back.

That’s why I’m going over this in detail. I want you to get them back and have the future you want to have.

Get information on Coach Lee’s Relationship Reignite Workshop that goes from basic to advanced and provides customized strategies through an intense 3 days (12 hours total) along with 6 months of coaching with the goal of reuniting you with the one you love! For marriages (and serious relationships) in crisis – get more information on if this workshop is right for you!

The workshop is exceptionally powerful for couples in danger of separation or divorce.

I truly wish you the best.

–Coach Lee
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