When Your Spouse Says They Don’t Love You Anymore

Spouse says they don't love me anymore

When the person you’ve built a life with claims their love for you has vanished, it’s nothing short of devastating.

Understanding the roots of such feelings can guide how you navigate the situation and then we’ll discuss ways you can reignite your spouse’s love for you.

Here’s a closer look:

1. They Don’t Understand Love

The Intricacies of Limerence: Limerence is often mistaken for love. This intoxicating connection, characterized by obsessive thoughts, yearnings and often the determination that often accompanies it that says, “I’ve never felt this way before.”

Limerence is similar to the ‘honeymoon phase’ that is often spoken about by those who both experience it and observe it in others.

While thrilling, it’s also ephemeral (short lived). As it fades, some assume their love has evaporated, not realizing that love’s true essence often emerges post-limerence.

The Multidimensionality of Love: Ancient Greek definitions serve as reminders of love’s layers.

While Eros focuses on physical passion, it’s just the tip of the iceberg. Philia signifies the deep bond and mutual respect friends share.

At its pinnacle is Agape, the selfless, unwavering love that expects nothing in return.

When limerence fades, and Eros takes a backseat, it gives room for Philia and Agape to flourish with the prominent role, allowing the relationship to stand on the stable ground of commitment, companionship, and the feeling of family.

Recognizing this evolution is pivotal.

Chasing the Mirage: For some, the fading of limerence ignites an urge to seek it again, to feel the rush which, from a biological aspect is largely chemically driven.

They may turn elsewhere, mistaking this pursuit for genuine love and connection. However, they’re often chasing a mirage and neglecting the profound connection they’ve built with their spouse that is masked by their limerent object (the person they are in limerence with).

2. Relationship Dilution

Everyday Challenges: With the passage of time, daily routines can eclipse the romantic facets of a relationship. Mundanities, such as chores and taxes, while essential, lack the sparkle of early romantic days. Experiencing these routinely can make love seem lackluster.

Life’s Bigger Tests: Major life events, such as parenting, sickness, or tragedies, can strain even the strongest bonds. Amidst the chaos, it’s easy to misassociate these stressors with the person you’re facing them with, inadvertently pushing love to the backdrop.

Rekindling The Flame: Recognizing that these are external challenges and not intrinsic relationship flaws is crucial. Addressing them collectively, as allies, can help bring back the lost spark.

3. There’s Someone Else

The Allure of The New: An external individual can offer a fresh perspective, reigniting the feelings of limerence.

However, it’s vital to differentiate between the allure of novelty and genuine love.

The Grass Isn’t Always Greener: While another relationship might seem tempting, it too will eventually face the test of time.

Trading a longstanding bond for a fleeting sensation can lead to profound regret but in the moment it often feels like an irresistable opportunity to get everything they’ve ever wanted.

That’s what can make limerence especially dangerous to marriages and families.

4. Bitterness from Past Rejections

Emotional Deposits and Withdrawals: Every relationship has an emotional bank account. Positive interactions are deposits, while negative ones are withdrawals.

Over time, consistent negative interactions without positive ones can lead to emotional bankruptcy!

Understanding Past Hurts: Past rejections or unresolved arguments can accumulate, leading to bitterness. It’s essential to address these, making amends and ensuring such patterns don’t persist.

5. A Midlife Crisis

Questioning Life Choices: A period of introspection can make one question all their decisions, including their choice of partner. However, attributing general life dissatisfaction to one’s spouse can be extremely misguided.

Whether a so-called midlife crisis is a true disorder is still up for debate, but what is certain is that it is a form of FOMO (fear of missing out) and it can cause someone to give up what they have to seek what they believe they are missing out on.

Like limerence, such a mental state can be extremely dangerous to a marriage.

Reevaluating Priorities: It’s essential to differentiate between individual concerns and marital issues. Communicating and seeking support can help in clarifying these feelings.

Can A Marriage Be Saved When One Spouse Falls Out of Love?

Steps to Consider

1. Patience and Understanding

It’s A Marathon, Not A Sprint: Repairing a relationship isn’t a quick fix.

It demands patience. Avoid pushing your spouse for immediate resolution, as this may widen the divide and push them to an unreachable place.

The Power of Listening: Sometimes, merely listening, without judgment or the urge to ‘fix’ things, can be therapeutic.

2. Be Attractive, Inside and Out

Holistic Growth: Strive to be the best version of yourself. This includes not only maintaining physical health but also continuous intellectual and emotional growth.

Strive to be the best version of yourself, regardless of age or circumstances.

Keep yourself physically healthy, lose weight if you need to, take care of your outward appearance without looking fake, pursue knowledge, and nourish your emotional well-being.

Remember that attraction isn’t just physical; it’s also about intellectual compatibility and emotional connection. You need all three areas of attraction to be at their highlest level possible.

Reignite Passion: Exploring shared hobbies or new activities can rejuvenate the bond, making you more attractive to each other.

3. Focus on Positivity

Can a marriage be saved when one spouse falls out of love? Yes, and getting this step right improves your odds significantly.

Instead of diving into contentious issues, emphasize positive interactions – even if they are seemingly small.

Rebuild the warmth and bond you once shared before trying to discuss and debate the issues you’ve struggled with in the past.

When the time is right, your partner might be more willing to address deeper issues, having re-experienced the connection that brought you two together and not associating you with as much negativity and difficulty.

Avoiding Blame Games: Instead of pinpointing faults, prioritize creating positive experiences. These can serve as a foundation for addressing more profound issues later.

Building Bridges: Strengthen your bond by recalling shared memories, reigniting the warmth you once had. When the atmosphere is ripe, deeper issues will be easier to tackle.


When a spouse claims their love has faded, it’s a sign to introspect, understand, and act.

Whether it’s misconceptions about love, life’s challenges, external influences, past hurts, or individual crises, understanding the root can pave the path to healing.

By focusing on growth, positivity, and patience, the flame of love can be rekindled, leading to a deeper, more fulfilling relationship.

Get Coach Lee’s FREE mini-course on saving a marriage!

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About Coach Lee

Coach Lee, Master of Marriage & Family Counseling, helps people save relationships. He developed the Emergency Breakup Kit, a powerful guide to winning back an ex. Get information on the Kit by Clicking Here! If your MARRIAGE is struggling, get his free mini-course on saving a marriage.

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