This is Coach Lee and I’m going to talk to you about how you can make someone want you again. Take a quick second and subscribe to my YouTube channel so you can be notified when I have more videos like this.
So there are other videos online wanting people to watch who want their ex back or claiming to tell you how to do it, wanting views for their videos.
And a lot of them give some fluffy answers claiming it will help you get an ex back, but they don’t really tell you a lot.
And so one of my motivations in making the video above and this post is that I really want to give you some concrete things that have case studies behind them and that I’ve seen work in the past two decades as I’ve been a relationship coach.
I’m going to talk about several things, including how to actually get your ex to see these things and be aware of them.
But I’m going to talk about specific traits first and then how to get an ex to actually see that you’re doing these things, because if you’re using the no contact rule, which is the first thing that I’m going to talk about, you may be wondering, “Well, how can any of these improvements or strategies actually benefit me if my ex can’t see them?”
I’m going to get to that, but let’s go through some important things you need to do to get someone to want you again.
First, as I said, the no contact rule, especially if it’s shortly after a breakup is key.
Letting the smoke clear, giving this person the breakup, letting them actually experience life without you and giving them an opportunity to miss you is crucial.
This is what the no contact rule does. It also shows that you’re strong enough to stay away from them, which is a very attractive thing because it actually shows that you could be lost and valuable things are often valuable because they’re difficult to obtain and sometimes difficult to keep.
If your ex can see your value again and see you demonstrate strength, first of all, it requires them to take this breakup very seriously because what you don’t want is your ex thinking that they can just get you back whenever they want you or that this breakup can just be as long or as short as your ex wants it to be.
And they can’t think that whenever they’re good and ready, if they become ready, they can just call you up.
They can’t believe that they can just text you and they’ve got you back.
Now you may be thinking, well, that’s true and that’s okay for now, but we don’t want your ex feeling that way.
And it makes you stronger going forward, whether or not you get your ex back or not to actually be able to stay away and to use discipline to prevent yourself from contacting this person.
Because at this point it does no good.
Your ex when they broke up with you was most likely not going to be talked out of it.
And if somehow you were to talk them out of it, if you were to change their mind or at least get them to hold on for a few more days, usually they resent you for it and it hardly ever works out.
And the next time when they break up with you, they will be mad at you and they go forward feeling like they definitely could get you back whenever they wanted, because you were begging them to stay.
We don’t want them thinking that. So it’s important to show that you are strong enough to stay away and it’s very good for you to do for yourself, but it’s also a great thing for your ex to see.
So the no contact rule is something that even if you have been begging, pleading, talking to your ex after the breakup, maybe trying to just keep the lines of communication open, it’s best to completely stop that.
You have to give your ex a real breakup, not a fake breakup, not something where your ex just thinks that it’s easily fixed if they ever changed their mind because they won’t get the point of really feeling the consequences.
And so it’s important that you give them every opportunity to really experience what they think they want, because until they actually experience a breakup, they don’t know that they want it. It’s just a concept. It’s just something that they think they want.
So you have to let them go through it. And it’s painful to do. I’m not denying that at all. It will be difficult.
You will want to contact them. You will miss them. You will hurt. That doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing to do.
And sometimes an ex will even get upset that you’re not contacting them. “How dare you not chase me down and beg me to take you back?”
“How dare you not show me how hurt you are that I live.”
Don’t let it deter you just because they don’t like that.
Refuse to give them an easy breakup.
You give them an easy breakup if you reassure them that they’re just so desirable that if they ever wanted you back, they could get you back in a snap.
When you refuse to make it easy for them, they often start to think that you’re more attractive than they thought.
And they start wondering if they are not as attractive as they thought they were.
Letting them experience that is very important and that’s the no contact rule in a nutshell.
So the next thing that you can do to make someone want you again, is to feel love.
And I’m not talking about romantic love, because if you do want your ex back, then you need to take some time off from that for a while.
First of all, this is for you to heal, because even if you two it back together, there’s still going to need to be some healing from your end. And if you don’t get back together, you need to give yourself enough time to heal to where you are open again for romance and where you’re not using damaged material.
For example, how would it appear if you were on a date and the person finds out that, just a couple of weeks ago, you were in a serious long-term relationship.
It can cause you to look a little bit unstable and make them wonder if you’re really ready.
They might wonder if your ex is still in the picture and wonder if your ex does come back, where does that leave them?
So dating too soon can cause a lot of unnecessary complexities and confusion, and you’re also just not ready for it.
You also don’t want your ex to find out or to think that you’re dating someone else.
I get that with all the baseless advice floating around out there, that that might surprise you to hear me say.
But if you want your ex back, the reality is that it can cause problems and lower your chances if they find out that you are dating someone else too soon.
For starters, they can just assume that they blew it with you and that attempting to reach out to you about getting back together would just result in them being rejected.
Many times an ex will just give up even if they want you back because they figure that it’s pointless and would just result in you rejecting them.
What I am suggesting you do is that you focus on feeling love from your family and friends.
And the reason for that is that someone who feels love is more attractive than someone who does not.
The more love that you feel from others, the more attractive you project.
And it’s an amazing thing how people who feel more love and who are surrounded by more love come off as more attractive. And so feeling that love not only helps you to heal, but it also helps you to be more attractive. And yes, I’m going to get into how your ex will actually see these things.
Feeling love surrounding yourself with that love, not just knowing that it exists, but actually contacting people, going out for lunch, and/or meeting someone for breakfast is important. If you’re just so busy with work that you have to have an early breakfast with someone that’s great. Just do it.
Or maybe you have a night out. Going out for drinks, with friends, going on a walk, there’s all kinds of things to do.
And that’s very important because you want to surround yourself with people who love you, because that’s a powerful vibration. It’s a powerful frequency. It’s a powerful thing that can help you be more attractive.
And that’s so important if you want someone to want you again.
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The third thing you can do is to control anxiety because people who are anxious aren’t as attractive as they could be.
Now you might feel sorry for people who struggle with anxiety and want to help them but it doesn’t mean that you feel attracted to them.
And a lot of times when you do start interacting with your ex when they reach out it can result in anxiety.
So knowing how to manage and even overcome that is important.
Because if you struggle with it, it’s not going to be attractive.
A lot of times it does show that they could get you back at any moment. It shows that this breakup has impacted you so much that in many ways you feel like your life is over and it shows them just how bad off you feel without them.
And that gives them a fake breakup.
They think that they could get you back whenever they wanted, because you’re having such a hard time with this.
Anxiety can also annoy your ex. And I hate to say that because if you’re feeling anxiety, that’s probably a hurtful thing to hear, but your ex, because they are in a colder state as far as their heart goes, can find you annoying because of your anxiety.
And you certainly don’t want to annoy them if you want them to want you again.
That’s the opposite of what you want.
And so that’s, again, why the no contact rule is such a good thing in that it allows you to work on yourself without them seeing you struggle.
And I’m not talking about idealism here because yes, if they were in love with you, as you want them to be, and things were as they “should be,” then they would be walking with you during these difficult days and these difficult moments and they would be concerned and you wouldn’t have to feel that you are hiding from them.
I’m not talking about an ideal situation. A breakup is not an ideal situation.
If you were in a committed loving relationship right now, this would not be what I would be telling you. I wouldn’t be saying to hide what you feel from your boyfriend or from your girlfriend or from your spouse.
In that case, you should be open and they should be a partner in helping you through this.
That’s not what’s going on. So before anyone gets in the comment section in YouTube and says, well, why do we have to play these games? And why do we have to hide from someone we love? Well, it’s because you want them to want you again, right?
Because right now they don’t feel about you how you want them to feel.
They’re not in love with you to the point that you want them to be. They’re not wanting to be in a relationship with you. And so you being open with them is not going to retract them. It’s not going to make them want you again.
I try to operate in the world of the real. And so I’m being honest with you about how things are and I’m not acting as though they are how you wish them to be yet.
So how can you control anxiety?
Anxiety is when you try to take on too much, you’re trying to take on something at a much further date out in the future than you have been created to handle.
And you can’t take on that much. Anxiety is helped when you stay right here in the moment and you just handle what’s in front of you. And that’s such a powerful thing to do if you’re struggling with anxiety.
And another thing that can help is called directed laughter, where you just make a Dr. Evil laugh. You just laugh out loud. And you even make a sarcastic kind of reverse statement in terms of what’s true and what’s not. So for example, if you’ve been doing no contact for a couple of weeks and you haven’t heard from your ex, you can make a little statement, like things are going according to plan, you know, it’s just something where you’re putting it in a lighter frame and you’re giving yourself a break from what’s going on.
The directed laughter technique is where you just choose to have a good laugh.
Like something you would see in the movies from some over-the-top, cheesy character but you do it on purpose.
You may not feel like laughing, but you make yourself do it.
And you’ll be surprised at how good you feel. Those are just two very basic things but the anxiety coach on my staff can help you really reduce your anxiety if that is a struggle.
He is going to give you a lot of things that will help you with anxiety.
And when you are not as anxious, you are actually much more attractive.
The fourth thing is to work on your attractiveness in terms of what’s obvious and that’s physical attraction, intellectual attraction, and emotional attraction.
So you do the best with what you have physically.
You want to be physically fit. You want to look in the mirror and actually take some care and forethought about yourself. Select your dress amd wardrobe appropriately.
And again, if we’re talking about an ideal world, it shouldn’t matter what you wear to the person you love.
Well, this person’s heart is not where you want it to be right now.
And though you may not be seeing them today, you still want to clothe yourself, manicure yourself, and take care of yourself as someone who respects themselves and wants to do that. That’s attractive. Putting your best foot forward for your own self is an attractive thing.
It’s a powerful thing and it’s not done for someone else. It is for you and when you have that mindset that you value yourself enough to take care of yourself, to dress like you matter, and to just be careful about those things and mindful about those things, it makes a big deal about how you hold yourself, about how you look, and about how other people see you. And so that’s an important thing that should not be overlooked.
Physical attractiveness is important. We are kidding ourselves if we think that physical attraction does not matter. And that the way we look does not matter. We should do our best with what we have.
It’s really that simple and we should try to improve in other areas of attraction as well including Intellectual attractiveness. Learn, grow, think, read, study and become intellectually as attractive as you can be – and do it for yourself.
The added benefit is that it’s attractive to other people.
Emotional attraction is another area. Learn to relate to other people and to be empathetic with other people.
That means simply that you hurt when they hurt, or at least you understand what it’s like to hurt. And so you can relate to them on that level.
Being emotionally attractive is as important as the other areas. We should be the best we can be for ourselves because all those things are actually signs of health.
It’s healthy to be physically attractive because it means for the most part that you are healthy, that you’re getting the right things to eat. You’re getting enough rest. You’re getting exercise.
When that happens, you’re going to be your most attractive self.
When you’re learning and growing and reading, you’re going to be your most intellectually-attractive self.
And those things are good for you as well.
The same is true emotionally in that when you’re emotionally healthy, you are emotionally attractive.
When you’re a strong person, who’s also able to relate to others, that’s emotionally very attractive and it’s very good for you as well.
So getting those things right is very important.
Another thing that concerns emotional attraction is to be genuine. And that means that you’re not putting on a show. You’re not being fake. You’re not lying. You’re being real. You’re not saying things because you think that it’s going to impress someone.
You’re not pretending like you’re living in a movie or trying to say lines that you think sound super cool. You’re trying to be a genuine person. You’re not being an actor. You’re being real and that’s very attractive too.
Before I go on to the fifth way that you can make someone want you again, get information on my Emergency Breakup Kit. It’s the culmination of my two decades in the relationship coaching service and it’s a powerful guide to help you get your ex back if they broke up with you. So take a look at that.
So there’s two more things that I’m going to go over and the first is, now that you have been able to work on yourself and improve yourself to where it’s going to be easier for this person to want you again, then you need to re-attract them to some level so they can actually see these things.
And the way that you do that is, in part, with mystery.
When you are using the no contact rule, one of the powerful things about that is that there are no answers for your ex.
So if your ex is sitting there wondering, “Does this person still want me?” Because at the breakup, your ex felt super attractive because they were breaking up with you. They were dismissing you.
Your ex felt this way even if your ex is a good person. They weren’t doing it on purpose. They weren’t doing it just to give themselves an ego stroke.
Breaking up with someone, no matter what they tell you, is a massive ego lift because the person doing the dumping is acting as though they’re more attractive than the one they are breaking up with.
Even if your ex is not thinking in those terms they will feel it.
And you know this, because when they broke up with you, you felt less attractive and you kind of have to work on reminding yourself of your worth.
Again, it’s a difficult thing to go through and that’s because the tables flip, or at least the person doing the dumping feels so much more attractive.
When you start showing that you’re strong enough to stay away from them, it calls into question some of that. And again, they’re not putting these into exact words in their head. It’s more of a feeling inside.
They feel more attractive. And when you start doing things that don’t support that, they start doubting it and can start doubting the breakup.
They start wondering if they’re as attractive as they thought and why are you not chasing them if they are.
You’re almost acting like you are just as attractive as them or even more because you’re not chasing them.
Instead, you’re able to stay away. So that’s when they actually have to start asking themselves some difficult questions.
And I go over this in one of my other posts called “Stages your ex goes through during no contact,” where your ex has a journey inside as they actually have to experience a real breakup.
But that’s how you can cause a lot of the mystery is that you are the question in the end. And your ex is not getting the answers because you’re staying away.
So you see when you contact them, when you tell them you’re hurting, when you post sad memes online, or anything that really is connected at all with your ex, it gives them a sense of security that you can be gotten back because you’re still wanting to get back together with them.
In other words, you shouldn’t post and say, “I’m so glad that I’m free. Life is just wonderful now.” And you post pictures where you’re just shutting down the clubs and having the greatest night outs ever recorded in history.
Those things can, first of all, appear fake, but also it can either look like you’re trying too hard, or it can give your ex some relief because they’re getting an answer.
You see, when you don’t have the answer, that’s when you become preoccupied. When you get the answer, even if it’s not what you wanted, there’s some relief.
So we don’t want to give your ex any of the answers.
So staying away creates that mystery to where most of the time your ex will reach out to get some kind of answer, to get some kind of direction.
And it is a bit of a shallow reason that gets them involved because they do feel that shock their ego. And they do wonder if there are as attractive as they thought they were.
But that’s where it can get them into deeper territory that actually matters because they start asking the real questions as they experience the real breakup.
And so that’s where you need to be open to a face-to-face meeting. It needs to happen.
And I go over this in my Emergency Breakup Kit and the importance of this, but that’s when you can be your most attractive physically, intellectually, and emotionally is when you’re face-to-face with them because you get to interact with all three of those human elements and that’s where you can really fully re-attract your ex.
And that’s usually the natural order of things. Usually when an ex reaches out, if you don’t just jump all back in, if you stay casual, calm, and polite and you’re not just saying, “Yes, let’s get back together!” But you show some reserve. And you might even say that you’re open to it, but you just want to take things slowly and one day at a time. That’s the way you can prevent the hot and cold where you are kind of back together but then he disappears or she disappears.
It’s usually that you two have gotten back together too quickly. When that happens, it needs to be a slow thing. Not painfully slow, but it does need to be something that’s not instant.
Your ex needs to feel like they still have some work to do to earn you back so to speak. And again, that’s not something you should say, but it’s something they should feel and you should always be casual and polite about it.
You’re not trying to make things happen too quickly. You’re letting it happen naturally. And it’s more stable that way as well.
Get Info on Coach Lee’s Emergency Breakup Kit at https://myexbackcoach.com/emergency-breakup-kit/
Also see: “How To Make your Ex Want You Back“