If you want your ex back after they broke up with you, it’s natural for you to want them to chase you.
You likely understand that the table has to turn and the roles have to switch in order for you to get your ex back.
At the time of the breakup, your ex was seen as the more attractive one because it was your ex, after all, who put you aside and walked away.
The one who does the dumping, even though they likely don’t want to hurt you and don’t enjoy breaking up with you, feels a jolt in their level of attractiveness simply because they are in the position of the one breaking up and you are the one who still wants to be with them.
It’s the nature of breakups.
I talk more about it in my post and video, “The Experience of the Dumper.”
If your ex feels that they are more attractive than you, it’s impossible for them to chase you to make an effort to try to get you back.
The drive just won’t be there.
Let The Chase Begin
If the perception is balanced, where you both see each other as equally attractive, there’s more of a likelihood of your ex being drawn to chase you in order to get you back.
But more has to happen as well.
In addition to your own attraction increasing, your ex needs to come to the realization that you could “move on.”
Your ex needs to realize that it is within you to move on and you showing you can stay away is usually more than enough to send that message.
“Moving on,” basically means that your ex could want to get back together with you but you could have outgrown them and, therefore, wouldn’t be interested.
And why would you move on?
You could move on because you are attractive and other people would be happy to have you.
If you want your ex back, he or she must reach a point where they arrive at that conclusion.
It usually takes use of the No Contact Rule to allow your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend to arrive a a place emotionally where they realize the breakup was a mistake.
What Makes An Ex Chase Or Pursue Again?
The reason that we chase something is because it isn’t in our “possession.”
My use of the word “possession” isn’t in the unhealthy sense.
I’m not suggesting that one person be possessive of another as though they were an object to be owned.
There is a sense of a person being “yours” or “mine” that is healthy, fine, and a positive description of an emotional connection.
It’s similar to saying, “He is my boyfriend,” “She is my girlfriend,” or “He is my husband.”
There are different types of relationships statuses and understandings.
For example, some people might have an understanding that they are in a casual relationship with someone and can date other people if they wish.
Other relationships are exclusive, meaning that the two people choose to only have a romantic relationship with each other and, to varying degrees, limit their activity with other people.
If you don’t have the relationship that you desire to have with another person, you will likely pursue or “chase,” to try to obtain that relationship status, understanding, or arrangement.
It would involve contacting the other person, spending time together with him/her, gaging their interest in the desired relationship status, and often stating words of affection in hopes of hearing the same back – all with the goal of getting to the desired relationship status.
So in order for your ex to chase and pursue you again, they need to have the desire for the relationship status that they had with you and to feel that danger exists of it being out of their reach.
Note that I said the “danger exists” of it being out of reach and not that it “is” out of reach.
Your ex needs to feel uncertain that he/she would get you back after realizing that the breakup was possibly a mistake and that they want to be in a relationship with you.
The No Contact Rule helps to bring your ex to that point because it demonstrates to your ex that you can stay away.
Your ex’s line of thinking during no contact is that since they aren’t hearing from you, that you can stay away from them.
Since you can stay away from them, you can move on with (or to) someone else.
That is when your ex has to start feeling loss.
You see, when your ex broke up with you, they felt control because it was their decision.
You felt loss because you had no say in the situation.
You couldn’t just say, “No,” to the breakup.
You wanted to keep something that was being taken away from you so you felt loss.
Your ex can feel loss when he or she comes to the realization that they could want you back but could not be able to get you back.
That is when your ex has to experience a “real breakup” instead of a fake one and actually has to come face to face with the loss.
It is at this point that your ex can start to determine if this is what they truly want.
They can look back on the time that has passed since the breakup and if your ex missed you, they can learn some things about themselves.
In this case, they would learn that the breakup might have been a mistake.
It’s this first chink in the armor that can lead your ex down a path that re-evaluates your place in their life.
Time is Part of the Chase Equation!
Your ex might stubbornly stay away from you for a while simply because they want to make sure of their feelings and desires.
So don’t think that just because your ex isn’t reaching out to you yet that you don’t have a chance of getting back together with him or her.
The reason your ex allows time to pass is usually because they realize that it took them a while to come to the conclusion that they wanted the breakup.
It didn’t just happen overnight.
So your ex figures that they had better allow time to pass to test their desire for reconciliation as well.
During this time, their feelings can grow to be pretty intense – especially if they continue to not hear from you.
The reason for this is that your ex realizes their desire for you is continuing to be there and that it is possibly even growing stronger but that you could be reaching a point where you wouldn’t want to get back together with them.
That is when your ex feels the risk of loss and is most likely to begin to chase and pursue you.
I go into this is greater detail in the video above and in my Emergency Breakup Kit.
I wish you the best!
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