Here are 5 things NOT to say to your ex, if you want them back.
I’m going to share with you what you shouldn’t say to your ex after they have broken up with you. And I’m assuming you want to get back together with them.
1. “Let’s Be Friends”
Now stay with me for a minute, because I’m guessing you’ve heard this before – that you shouldn’t accept friendship with your ex if you want to reunite with him or her.
I’m going to tell you quickly why it’s important that you don’t suggest it and that you don’t accept it – and what to say, if your ex offers friendship after a breakup.
There’s a few reasons an ex might suggest friendship with you.
One is that they’re unsure. And so they want to keep you close because they know there’s a possibility they could change their mind.
And so that’s why you don’t accept friendship – because you don’t want to give them comfort that they could get you back at any moment.
The next reason you don’t accept friendship is because it can become something that the two of you get used to.
And then it’s difficult to make that transition because certain things are off limits. They feel like it’s okay for them to start dating other people. And you have to experience that, which makes you look very bad. It lowers your value. It makes it look like you are the one waiting around, hoping to get your chance with them, which is not attractive at all.
And so they can start seeing you as a permanent friend.
A lot of people will accept friendship because they think that it at least lets you be in the life of this person. So maybe I have a chance to kind of back my way in and get another chance with him or her.
It usually does not work that way.
It almost never works that way.
You can develop a romantic relationship if it starts off as friendship, but if it starts off as a romantic relationship, it’s very difficult to return to that by the route of friendship.
And even if you start off as friends and then you become romantic partners, going back to friendship makes it very unlikely that it will be back to romance again.
Now there are always exceptions, but this is a general rule. You do not want to accept friendship mostly because you don’t want to just be around because then they actually don’t have to experience a real breakup.
And I have lots of videos on that. So I’m not going to get into that in this post, except to say that if your ex has you around, after breaking up with you, that they actually get the best of both worlds because you were right there. So they really don’t experience the breakup and they don’t have to fear that you are out there moving on, and you don’t get the benefit of you being mysterious, doing things they don’t know about where they have to wonder about you.
So there’s lots of negatives to being a friend and remaining in their life after a breakup.
So what do you do if your ex offers you friendship? Do you say “No, I do not accept friendship. Only contact me. If you want a relationship”?
I know there are coaches out there who say that but it’s actually pretty ridiculous and difficult to pull off without just sounding like a jerk and sounding a little bit like you’ve heard it in a video and are just repeating it.
So what I usually suggest is kind of not to take it seriously with your response. Just say something like, “Yeah, sure.”
Like it’s no big deal. Don’t say something like, “Oh, that would mean so much to me” or something like that. Just say “Yeah, sure,” as though it’s no big deal and then don’t act like a friend going forward.
The part that actually hurts you is when you are in their life, being a friend, involved with them, and in contact with them because you are in the role of a friend.
When they offer it, you don’t have to just be cold. You can say, “You know, I’m really not interested in that right now.”
That’s just you being honest. But the bottom line is, don’t offer to be friends with your ex and don’t be a friend with your ex if you want to get back together with them.
2. Don’t Say, “I’ll Wait.”
A lot of people say this or say, “I’ll let you think about this. I’ll let you figure this out. I’ll wait. I’ll wait forever. I’ll always be here.”
It’s a beautiful romantic sentiment, but it does what we talked about earlier – it makes it to where they don’t have to experience loss. They don’t have to worry that they could lose you.
So there’s no pressure for them to actually decide. They don’t experience a real breakup because they think that they just have you in backup plan mode, that there’s just been a pause button pressed, and that you’re right there whenever they want to reinstate you as their boyfriend or girlfriend.
So it’s one of those things that takes away the negative consequences of the breakup to a large degree. And that’s not going to work if you want to get back together with your ex.
So don’t do that and don’t say that.
Sometimes an ex will even ask if you will wait on them. Rather than taking a hard line of simply saying, “No,” to this, it’s actually best to just say, “I’m not sure. I’m just going to take it one day at a time” because then it actually puts a little bit of pressure on them to have to figure it out.
And it also makes it look like you’re not being petty – like you’re not trying to just get at them, which helps to make this a more casual thing as far as what you’re presenting to your ex.
That rather than being destroyed by this, that it’s not impacting you as much as maybe they thought it would. And that doesn’t mean that you don’t show some negative and you don’t push back a little bit right after they break up with you.
But if conversations continue and they do say something like, “Will you wait?” then it’s great to respond with something like, “I’m just going to take it one day at a time.” instead of agreeing to wait.
And when they start to experience some of that loss from you using the no contact rule that I talk about in lots of posts and videos, that’s when those words will haunt them.
Before I get to the third thing you shouldn’t say to your ex, take a quick second and subscribe to my YouTube channel so you can be notified when I have more posts and videos like this one.
3. Asking your ex “Would you like to have coffee sometime?”
Would you like to get lunch sometime? Or a similar invitation to get together.
Now I’m suggesting you don’t say this in the immediate days following the breakup. So right after they have broken up with you or at the breakup, you don’t kind of say in a way that you’re negotiating for something less than the relationship, like, “Well, if we’re not together, could we at least get coffee sometime?”
Because what you’re actually doing is you’re falling into the friendship trap that I mentioned earlier.
You are putting yourself to where you’re available to them, where they could kind of get you back. They could just decide to reinstate you because you’re just waiting for that command from them. You’re waiting for your opportunity.
That’s not attractive. It makes your value seem lower. It does not give them the opportunity to feel that they could lose you because you’re right there, hoping, waiting for your opportunity by saying, “Can we still get together? Can we still do these things that we used to do but now there’s not going to be any romance?”
It’s one of the worst things you could do and using the word “sometime” is very popular.
People tell me all the time that’s what they said when they asked this type of question and why it’s so bad is that you’re basically saying I’ll take anything! You pick!
It’s as though you’re really asking, “Would you actually get together with me ever?” by saying “sometime.”
In other words, it’s not a specific date. It’s actually saying “sometime” as though that’s up to them. That’s even worse.
So don’t say any of this stuff, but the word “sometime” is basically just the nasty icing on this cake.
Before I go to point number 4 and 5, which are very important, take a quick second and get information on my Emergency Breakup Kit and my Emergency Marriage Kit for those of you who are married. Those two things are online courses are powerful guides if you want to get back with the one who you love, and if you really just want the direction, the guidance and the specific information on getting back with your ex, then that’s what I would sugges
4. Don’t Ask Your Ex, “Have you thought any more about us?”
And it’s a painful question. I feel badly for people who are asking their ex this because it’s asked from such a position of hurt and it’s hoping that this other person has thought and that maybe they’ve made some progress in their mind, but it’s a terrible thing to ask because you’re putting all the power on their side.
As though you being in the relationship with them is assumed. There’s no doubt. There’s no mystery. There’s no possibility that you could move on. You are just sitting and waiting, hoping this other person will make this decision that could make you so happy and that maybe they’ve made a little progress toward the answer you’re hoping for.
And you’ll just take even a small amount. It’s a very common question. I do not suggest at all that you ask about it because when they get to a point where it actually matters, where you could actually get them back, is when they will actually start interacting with you and bring it up, or they will make it obvious to you by actions.
So, whereas they may reach out to you casually. Just kind of seeing how you’re doing, they will begin to make some things fairly obvious. And I talk about that in other videos and especially in the Emergency Breakup Kit, but don’t ask them for a status report.
It will be annoying to them and it will actually take away any fear of loss that they have and take away any mystery.
And it will firmly entrench you in backup plan mode, where they think they can just get you back whenever they want you. Them thinking that takes away a lot of the benefits that you can have if you create some sense that you could be lost and some urgency, some fear that this could come back to haunt them. That’s important because you actually want to create some limerence, which I have a post and video about that. Limerence brings two people together and it can be a good thing. It can also be bad in certain circumstances, but it’s important if you want your ex back to create some of that (limerence). And you definitely don’t do that if you ask this question
5. “Do You Think We’ll Ever Get Back Together?”
And so that’s when a lot of people will say, well, when I asked them if they thought we’d ever get back together, they said “No.”
And that can be discouraging. But keep in mind that when they break up with you, at that moment, they are certainly not thinking they will want you back because it’s very rare that someone would say, “Yeah, I broke up with them, but I’m going to get back together with them.”
In one way, that’s a colossally arrogant thing to say. If your ex actually operates that way, you don’t want to be with them! Trust me.
So in that moment, of course they’re going to say they don’t think you two will get back together unless they’re lying to you just so that they don’t hurt you further. And they often do that so that they’ll feel better about themselves.
They’ll say something like “Maybe we might,” and a lot of that is trying to just get you to leave them alone because when they first break up with you, that’s what they want. And so that’s why I say that the first stage they go through is the relief stage because they think they’re getting what they want.
And you can learn more about the stages that your ex goes through in my post “Stages, your ex goes through during no contact.”
Just know that that it’s a common thing for your ex to say and it does not mean that that’s absolute. It just means that’s how they feel in the moment, which makes sense, because they broke up with you.
So those are five things not to say to your ex, if you want to get back together with.