I’m going to talk to you about how get over your ex quickly and how you can feel better after a breakup when it’s hurting and you’re feeling anxiety and all these things.
I’m going to help you feel better.
1. The Desire to Heal
Number one is going to sound obvious until I explain it, so stick with me.
You have to want to feel better.
And what I mean is that sometimes you can feel like the pain is all that’s connecting you to this person or to the relationship.
And that if you stop feeling it (the pain), or you “get over it,” you lose the last thing you have that connects you to them and to the relationship.
Do you feel that way?
You can also feel, especially for those of you who are analytical, you can start to feel that the pain is keeping you alert and analyzing, and that you might figure out the solution.
You think you might figure out the perfect words that will make your ex want to run to your arms.
But it feels like if you stop hurting, you might forget about it or your mind might not be working on it as much as you would be.
So you hold onto the pain and shock.
You worry that you might not get this person back because you might overlook something or you might not think about it enough.
Does that describe you?
So, think about that, dig into your emotions and see if that makes sense.
Sometimes people hold on to the pain because they feel like it’s the only thing they have left of the relationship and the person.
And you want to let that go, even though that probably hurts thinking about it.
But if you can let it go, do it.
Find a way, because the pain is not accomplishing anything.
The pain is not helping you to get this person back; it’s only hurting, it’s only dragging you down.
So if you can, let it go.
I know that’s easy to say and difficult to do, but the first step to getting over your ex is actually thinking about how to do it and wanting to feel better, even though that sounds cliche in general, it’s the truth.
Because some people, I know, because I talked to you on coaching calls, you feel like the pain is keeping you with this person in some small way and it’s all you have left.
It’s not. It’s just pain, and it just hurts, and you need to let it go.
It’s the first step to feeling better.
2. The Psychology of Recovery
Understanding Rapid Healing Is Possible: Number two starts with an interesting story.
Running a mile has been a competitive event for a very long time.
A timed mile has always been something that people like to watch and participate in.
But for a long period of time, running a mile faster than 4 minutes was thought to be humanly impossible.
And then a man did it!
His name was Roger Bannister.
It was incredible; he broke the world record.
He was the first man to run a mile in under 4 minutes.
And everyone was amazed, but more so, people were amazed at what happened NEXT.
Several other men ran the mile in under 4 minutes!
And it was quite a few. And they had never done it before either.
And people asked, why did so many people in the span of just a few months break what was previously a world record and thought to be an impossible milestone?
How did they do it?
And why did so many do it, out of the blue, it seemed?
It was because they realized it was possible.
And that actually is what gave them the boost.
It’s one of the most clear pieces of evidence that your mind actually can dictate what you can and can’t do, to at least some degree.
And so, with that story told, I want to tell you another one about you.
And that’s our second point here.
And that is, you can actually feel better in a matter of seconds.
Stay with me on this.
It is psychologically possible for you to actually lose the pain and be over this person in just a few seconds.
It doesn’t mean you’ll do it; you may be thinking, “how in the world could I do this?”
I’m not even going that far.
I’m just telling you that it is possible.
That you could. It can be done. I’ve seen it.
Lots of psychologists and counselors have seen it. It’s possible.
That doesn’t mean it’s going to happen, but just knowing that it’s possible can actually help you get over this.
Maybe not in a few seconds, but maybe a few weeks, maybe a few days.
Maybe you could feel better in just a few hours, just from knowing that.
And you’ll take feeling better, even if it’s not a complete cure in the moment, right?
So, think about that as I go through these other things.
And I think that when you combine the things that I’m going to tell you with the first two principles, that you really are going to feel a lot better.
And hopefully, you’ll even share this with other people who are going through breakups because I think this is something that is really going to be important for a lot of people.
3. The Perception of Pain
See if you can figure out this question, see if it makes sense.
Does the hurt bother you?
And you’re like, of course, it does, Coach Lee, what are you talking about?
I’m saying, of course, the pain hurts.
Of course, the hurt hurts.
But does the actual concept of the hurt, and knowing that you’re feeling it, knowing that it’s coming, feeling it in your stomach, does the anticipation of that actually contribute more to the hurt?
It’s sort of like when people who deal with anxiety, which I’m sure you are over this breakup, when people deal with anxiety, a lot of times, when they feel the anxiety start coming, they experience dread.
They experience fear, because they know the anxiety is coming.
And so they actually fear the anxiety.
They worry about the anxiety.
They are actually anxious because of the anxiety.
And so, you, perhaps, heard a famous U.S. president say, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”
And that president was President Roosevelt.
He said, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
And why? Why would we fear fear?
It’s because of how people respond to fear.
What they do when they’re afraid.
And a lot of people are afraid of the pain, and they’re afraid of the anxiety.
And so, when they feel just a little bit of it, they are afraid.
They’re in more pain, and they’re feeling more anxiety that it’s coming.
And so, one of the best things you can do is to have kind of a “so-what” attitude.
So, I’m hurting over this, so what?
So, I’m anxious over this, so what?
And I know, I know that sounds silly, but if you can see it as no big deal.
Like, of course, I’m hurting. It’s a breakup. Of course, I’m going to hurt.
And you’re not surprised, you’re not further hurt, or further feeling anxiety over the pain, believe it or not, it can help you feel a lot better.
So, try to see it as, “yes, I’m hurting, but that’s okay.”
It’s going to happen sometimes.
Again, it may not be something that instantly helps, but over time, if you can start to separate hurting from the response to the hurting, or the fear of the hurting, you can do yourself a lot of favors.
So, think about that. I know it takes a scalpel or a razor blade, and it’s difficult, but try to separate the hurt you feel from the anxiety related to the hurt.
You’ll feel a lot better.
4. Reflecting on the Relationship
Ask yourself this question: If I had no history with this person and I just heard about how they treated me, and it was someone else, would I still want them?
And so, if you had no history with this person, based on what they have done, would you want to be with them?
That can tell you how you’re going to feel in the future. Because right now, you’re dealing with limerence.
Limerence is something that can be reignited almost 100% when the other person wants to leave you.
And you can start to think of them as incredibly special, as though they are a rare diamond, when really they’re not.
And the relationship was not.
It may have been a great relationship, but the very fact that this person could do this to you actually tells you some things.
Do you want to be with someone who could leave you like that?
Do you want to be with someone who could treat you like that and be so cold and unconcerned with how you feel, or who toyed with you?
I don’t know your situation, but ask yourself, if I didn’t have the history with this person, if someone else were telling me that their boyfriend, or their girlfriend, or their spouse did this to them, would I say, “Oh yeah, you should try to be with them?” Or would I say, “Maybe that’s not the best situation, maybe that was a blessing. I think you’re better off.”
Ask yourself that.
Again, try to take that scalpel and remove the history you have and look at it in an unbiased, rational viewpoint.
If this was someone else telling you about this situation, what would your advice be to them?
5. The Right Person for You
The right person wouldn’t leave.
Of course, you’ve heard me say, if you watch some of my other videos, sometimes you need to back off, especially after a breakup, instead of pushing and pressuring and trying to get them to take you back and trying to get them to recommit to the relationship.
You need to back off because it doesn’t do any good.
Now you’ve got them defensive, and they’re trying to get further away from you, and it’s a negative situation, and they’re trying to get further away from that.
You’ve created drama, and we all want to get further away from that.
So yes, the best thing you could do is stay away.
But you also need to ask yourself, is this person the right person?
If they left me, people ask me a lot, “Well, I was needy, Coach, so I messed it up,” or “I didn’t give them enough space, Coach, so I messed it up,” or “I was too available, or I was too affectionate, so I messed it up, right, Coach?”
No, because for the right person, you’re not too much.
The right person appreciates the time, the right person appreciates a gift, the right person appreciates the neediness even, because they want to comfort you, and they want to show their commitment more.
The right person would want to spend as much time with you as possible.
And sure, people can start to get a little bit tired of each other, maybe they just need to do their own thing for a very small amount of time, but it’s not normal for healthy relationships to need space.
So when someone says, “I need some space,” that’s not something that you should just think, “Oh yeah, they just need a little space.”
Something is wrong.
And I know in pop psychology, it’s popular to say that they just need space, you just need to give them some space sometimes.
And sure, a small amount of space, but not the kind of space that most people think is intended by these statements.
If someone needs space from you, something is wrong.
And you have to ask yourself, if I was head over heels in love with someone, and my attraction level for them was very high, would I need space?
If anything, I would not want space.
I would want to be as close to them as possible.
And so the right person is not going to be overwhelmed, the right person’s not going to need space, the right person’s not going to say, “We’ll get back together maybe in the future,” the right person is not going to say, “I need to work on myself,” because they’re going to know that nothing’s perfect in life, and you’re always going to have to work on yourself.
There’s never going to be a time when you would say, “I don’t have to work on myself,” not any area.
It’s not going to happen.
And so these excuses, they’re just excuses, and the right person would not be making those excuses.
So in many ways, you’ve eliminated someone who’s not right for you.
I know you probably don’t want to hear that right now.
You want to hold on to it as much as you can.
But if this bothers you to hear, ask yourself “why?”
Because it doesn’t affect your chances to hear me say, “This is not the right person, the right person wouldn’t do this to you.”
It’s that you don’t want to hear it, mostly because you hope to get them back.
I understand that, but you need to process all the information you can from neutral sources, and I’m neutral.
So if I can tell you that, it’s not coming from a place of emotion.
And right now, I think you would admit that you are very much in a dungeon of emotion right now, and I’m the voice calling to you through the bars.
Listen to my voice on this.
At least entertain the idea this might not be the right person if they could do this to you.
You want to be with someone who would never do this to you.
6. Pain as a Connection to the Relationship
Number six, I alluded to it earlier, but is the pain you’re holding the torch for the relationship?
And do you almost feel like that if you stopped hurting, that you would be forsaking or betraying the relationship or the person?
Do you feel like that you “should” be hurting over this?
If you do, congratulations, you’re normal.
You aren’t obligated to hurt!
You have the ability to form connections, and you can’t just flick a switch and walk away.
Again, remember I told you it was psychologically possible, I didn’t say it was psychologically healthy.
But you can feel better.
You are made to feel better.
You’re also made to have pain.
So just know both of those are possible.
But don’t believe that the pain somehow holds the torch for the relationship and that if/when this person comes back, they’re going to be grateful that you hurt so badly.
Sometimes people feel like they owe it to the person to hurt for them.
And that if they stopped hurting, that it would mean they were giving up on the person or the relationship or betraying them.
Or that their love wasn’t real.
And sometimes people think, “If I can just hold on to this pain until they come back, then I can have all this love to give them, and it will be worth something, and it will mean something and make sense of this pain.”
You don’t give up on the relationship by giving up on the pain.
Those are different things.
But psychologically, you merge them together.
Rip them apart instead.
You don’t have to hurt over this.
I’m not going to be disappointed.
And if they are going to be disappointed that you’re not hurting, they are definitely not the right person.
You’re not scoring points with them by hurting.
You’re not proving yourself by hurting.
And it doesn’t mean that you didn’t love them if you allow yourself to stop hurting.
Allow yourself to stop hurting.
7. Overcoming Previous Breakups
Number seven, my favorite, and some people feel better overnight just from this one.
You survived this before.
Most of you have.
I know some of you, this is your first love.
You can just disregard this one, but still read because you’ll still learn from it.
But you have been in breakups before, and you have probably been convinced that you were head over heels in love with a very special person, in a very special relationship, and you survived it.
To the point that now it doesn’t even bother you!
You might not even think about it.
You might have even forgotten about it.
But you’ve been in this pain before.
And I’ve had clients with multiple breakups, oftentimes where they hurt really badly, and tell me they’ve never had this kind of pain, they’ve never felt this way before.
They get back with that person, and later they break up with them.
And then they get in another relationship, and they get broken up with, and I actually have to remind them, even though they should know, that the way they know about me is because I helped them with the other breakup.
And that’s why they’re talking to me.
Logically, it just seems to be irrelevant.
And that’s because you’re in limerance with all the dopamine, oxytocin, vasopressin and other hormones just pumping through you, and it numbs a lot of the logic that you need to feel better.
Don’t numb the logic.
Let the logic just run free.
We need to do that as a world and as individuals.
We’ve got to look at things logically and not just emotionally.
And the logical truth, it’s beautiful, in fact.
You have survived this before.
You’ve been in this pain where you felt it was permanent.
You overcame it.
You felt better.
You actually met somebody else and formed a relationship that was so deep that you’re hurting over it now.
Which means you can do it again. Is it ideal?
No. I wish you never felt this.
I wish people didn’t have to go through this pain.
But you can heal from it.
And if you know that you can, it actually makes things a lot easier.
And if you add all these things up, it’s a big percentage of your pain.
And when pain gets easier to deal with, it heals faster. It doesn’t just linger as much.
So try to think about this.
Tell yourself this: “I’ve survived this before. I’ve been through difficult breakups. I will feel better. It’s going to happen. It’s just a matter of time.”
And sometimes it happens a lot faster than you think it will.
8. Unresolved Issues
Are there unsaid things in the relationship?
Think about it.
Things you wish you would have said, or wish you wouldn’t have said, or things that they said to you that hurt.
That actually contributes to this.
And because you’re hurting, a lot of times you can’t tell the difference.
And I’ve had doctors tell me it’s true with surgical patients as well.
Sometimes the pain that you feel when there’s an incision being made, or there’s internal damage that needs to heal, a lot of times the mind can just lump pain together, and you can’t even tell where the source is.
That’s why sometimes when a certain pain is taken care of, people start to notice pain in other parts of their body because they didn’t notice it before because the pain was all lumped together.
It’s a coping mechanism that your brain has; it was given to you as a gift by the Creator so you wouldn’t suffer as much.
But it still hurts, and a lot of times, if you don’t know how to handle it, it can make things worse temporarily because you need to separate the pain in this situation.
And one of those is things that are unsaid, and also things that maybe you said that you regret or that they said to you, and you wonder “how in the world they could say that?”
That’s a separate pain.
You won’t be able to just wipe it separate immediately, but if you think about it and process it, it will help over time for you to remove the waste product of your pain.
It’s not the pain itself; it’s actually the byproduct of the pain, all these other things that hurt.
If you can eliminate those, it’s going to help.
9. Stop Fueling the Pain
Stop giving it energy.
The first thing you need to do if you want to feel better is that you need to talk about it, you need to tell some people who you know will keep their mouths shut, like me or a coach on my staff, or a parent, somebody like that, who’s not going to go tell your ex how bad you’re hurting, thinking they can help you, because that doesn’t help you, it only hurts your dignity, hurts your chances of getting back together if you’re still interested in that.
And if you find out that they heard about it, it can actually make your recovery a little bit longer.
So you need someone who will not tell.
But after you’ve talked about it, that’s my point here, you’ve got to stop talking about it because you’re giving it further energy, giving it further attention, and it’s just going to hurt more because you’re keeping it alive.
And so, yes, it takes discipline.
You will want to talk about it.
You’ve got to be disciplined enough to say, “Shut up,” to your own self.
Stop talking about it.
I’m not going to talk about this.
Yes, I want to.
And yes, in today’s world, we’re told you’ve got to get everything off your chest.
If you’re offended by anything or you’re hurt over anything or upset over anything, that you’ve got to just talk, talk, talk, talk.
It’s not true, because you just keep giving it energy.
Stop talking about it.
And the next step is, and it’s difficult, but that you stop thinking about it.
And yes, I know it’s easy to say that, but to do it is more difficult.
It will take discipline.
You will need to learn to redirect your thoughts.
But if you’re not talking about it, that part becomes easier.
Keep that in mind.
10. Is the Pain Genuine?
Is this feeling real?
I’ve got to explain that one.
You’ve heard me talk about limerence.
It’s chemically based, based, it’s scientific, we can see it in MRI machines.
And so what you need to realize is, so much of your pain is chemically caused, which is actually very similar to hallucination.
So a lot of your pain is almost a hallucination because, again, I asked you before, if you didn’t have the history with this person and someone came to you and told you what had happened, is your situation one where you would say to them, “Just try to move on with your life, this person was not good for you”?
If you’re in that situation, it’s especially true.
It’s the chemicals that are causing the pain.
If this was a good thing and you just don’t understand why this person ended it with you, that tells you a lot right there.
If you would not have ended it with them, but they ended it with you, that tells you a lot about them.
And remember that point where I asked, is this person the right person or the wrong person?
Because the right person doesn’t leave.
That doesn’t mean people can’t get back together after these things, and that they could be the right person, but at least as much as the information that you have says, this person is not looking too good as far as making a case for them being the right person.
And if you’re hurting over someone who has greatly mistreated you and treated you as though you were worthless, just walked away from you, maybe even went to someone else, then you have to admit to yourself that a lot of this pain is chemically based, which means it’s not real.
Is it real that you feel it?
Is it real that it’s miserable?
But if it’s based on a chemical, and that chemical is based on the way that your mind processes reality, and then it produces these chemicals, it means that if you change the way you look at reality, the chemical production of the things that I’ve talked about, dopamine, vasopressin, oxytocin, and some other things, that chemical production will lower itself because your thoughts have changed.
And so, is the pain real?
Depends on what your thoughts are.
So start redirecting your thoughts and go back over these points.
There’s a reason that I mentioned this one last.
It’s because the thoughts and the way you look at this impact how the chemicals are produced and to what amount, and then how much they stay with you as you continue to think about it.
That’s why it’s important.
Stop talking about it, stop giving it energy, stop thinking about it because it affects you chemically with fake pain.
Real pain, as far as how it hurts, but fake pain in that you are not injured, your brain just believes that you are.
None of these things that I’ve said desecrate your relationship or take away from that it was real, it was an experience, but sometimes people part ways.
Try to not allow yourself to hurt over the points that don’t matter.
For example, like the pain representing you carrying the torch for the relationship, or some people who think the pain represents their love, and they want to hold on to it.
Don’t do that to yourself.
Embracing Healing and Moving Forward
It’s important for you to allow yourself to heal and move forward.
The pain you’re experiencing is a natural response to a significant emotional event like a breakup.
However, it’s crucial to recognize that holding onto this pain doesn’t serve you or honor the relationship you had.
It’s a part of the process, but not where you need to stay.
Understanding the Nature of Pain and Attachment
Realize that the pain isn’t a measure of your love or the depth of the relationship.
It’s a reflection of the attachment and the sudden disruption of that bond.
This disruption triggers a deep emotional response, but it’s not an indicator of the relationship’s worth or a sign that you should remain in this state of suffering.
Letting Go of the Pain
It’s okay to let go of the pain.
Letting go doesn’t mean you’re forgetting the relationship or the person; it’s about acknowledging that the relationship, as it was, is no longer part of your present.
You’re not betraying the memories or the person by choosing to heal. It’s a necessary step towards finding peace and happiness again.
Shifting Your Focus
Focus on your well-being and personal growth.
It’s essential to redirect your energy towards positive activities and thoughts that reinforce your self-worth and happiness.
Engage in activities that you enjoy, reconnect with friends and family, and explore new interests.
This shift in focus helps in alleviating the pain and opens doors to new experiences and connections.
Don’t hesitate to seek support from friends, family, or professionals.
Talking about your feelings is therapeutic, but it’s also vital to surround yourself with people who encourage your healing and support your journey towards feeling better.
A support system, like my online support community, can provide a different perspective and help you navigate through this challenging time.
Be kind to yourself.
Healing is not linear, and it’s okay to have moments of sadness or reflection.
Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that healing takes time.
Celebrate small victories and progress, no matter how insignificant they may seem.
Every step forward is a step towards feeling better and rediscovering your joy.
Conclusion: Embracing a New Beginning
In conclusion, healing from a breakup and overcoming the associated pain is a journey that requires a conscious decision to heal, self-compassion, and a shift in focus.
It’s about acknowledging the pain but not letting it define or control you.
Remember, you have the strength and resilience to overcome this and emerge stronger.
This period of pain is temporary, and with time and effort, you’ll find happiness and fulfillment again.