No contact anxiety is the number one thing that people talk about when having to deal with a breakup and coaching to get an ex back, and so I’m going to help you be able to get through some of this anxiety that you’re feeling as you’re trying to use the no contact rule.
I have five really powerful things that you can do, and I’m going to throw in a bonus at the end. The first thing, and this is going to sound simplistic, but hear me out – review your plan.
1. Review Your Plan (Over and Over)
The reason I list this at number one is that it’s actually, in my opinion, one of the most powerful things on this list that you can do.
Review your plan because the way that your brain works is you will feel anxiety, especially when things are not addressed and there is no plan, and you feel like you’re just wandering out in the woods trying to figure this out.
But if you tell yourself, “I have a plan, this is the plan. I have watched videos,” or maybe you’ve talked to a coach on my staff, and you know what you need to do.
You know you need to stay away, you know you need to be in no contact, and I talk about that a lot, so I’m not going to get too much into the reasoning on that, but you know that moving toward them when they want to break up will push them away.
I hope that you know that because that’s reality.
And so, remind yourself of all these things that I talk about about how no contact is effective.
It doesn’t work all the time, but it works a lot.
It’s the best thing you can do. You’re giving yourself the best chance at this.
Say those things to yourself and review and remind yourself of your plan, and say, ‘I’ve got a plan, this is part of the plan.’
Yes, it will be difficult sometimes, but it’s also going to be difficult on them. And it may not be difficult right away. I’ll get into that more in just a little bit. But if it’s difficult on you, then you can see just how impactful this can be.
And that’s another thing that you should remind yourself – say, ‘It’s difficult for me, and it’s going to be difficult for them. It’s just a matter of time.’
And that’s something I suggest saying when you review your plan, when you remind yourself of why you’re doing this. Tell yourself, ‘It’s just a matter of time.’ Say that. You might even say it every day.
Say, ‘Coach Lee says it’s just a matter of time.’
And the reason I say to mention my name is because it helps to know there’s someone else who says this, and that you’re not just telling yourself this. So try that. I think it’ll help you a lot.
Let’s move on to the next point. This one may be tied for the most important.
2. Breathing and Breathing Exercises
Here on my website, I have a breathing circle, and it’s an amazing thing that you can do. Because when you make yourself breathe slowly and deeply, you slow your heart rate, you lower your blood pressure, and you tell your body and your mind “it’s okay, because I’m breathing slowly.”
So I’m not being chased by a dinosaur, I’m not hanging off a cliff in fear for my life. I’m breathing slowly, so everything’s okay.
So the chemicals that cause this anxiety will begin to slow their production and lower their production because your brain and your body are doing little tests, and they’re saying, “okay, we’re all right.”
So if you can get your breathing under control and really just dive into that and feel like you’re breathing deeply and slowly, you will start to really enjoy it. It will feel good. It will be something you can lean on, and it definitely helps with anxiety and people in no contact.
Whenever you start wondering what your ex is doing or if you ask yourself, “is no contact is working,” or if you get tempted to look at their social media, take a moment to breathe deeply.
I have an animated breathing circle here on my website that can help you with this. You can find it for free in the resources section at this website.
3. Each Day Counts
The third thing you can do to help your no contact anxiety is to remind yourself that every day counts towards tipping the scale in your favor.
Think of each day as a penny being added to one side of a scale. Although pennies may seem small and weigh very little on their own, over time, they can add up and eventually tip the scale.
So, even though it may be difficult, remind yourself that each day that you get through without breaking no contact, you are contributing to getting what you want which is reuniting with your ex.
Each day is another penny on the scale, making it more and more powerful with time.
Tell yourself that today is just another day that you can use in the process of tipping the scale in your favor. Remember, each day counts and you’re getting closer to your goal!
4. Don’t Social Stalk Or Analyze
For some this is really difficult, because I know it is so tempting for you to go look at what your ex is doing on social media. “What did they say? What picture did they post?”
And you try to find meaning in that. You even look at it a little bit like a conspiracy theorist, in that you’re trying to find clues, but that is not how it works.
The problem is that if your ex is giving you clues and trying to manipulate you through those, then they’re not ready yet. And you’re actually going to hurt your chances if you fall for one of them.
So, for example, if they were to post something about being sad, and you think, “That must mean that they’re thinking about me, they’re missing the relationship, and they’re feeling sad, so this would be a great time for me to reach out and I can tell them, ‘You don’t have to be sad because we can get back together.'”
Rarely is a simple social media post going to be what they would do if they were ready to get back together.
Sometimes it doesn’t have anything to do with you necessarily, or it could be that they’re just sad because the breakup happened, and that’s a sad thing.
Sometimes even people who want the breakup will feel sad. That usually means you did a good job of not pushing them too far away after the breakup, because they can get to a point where they just think, “I’m so glad this is over with. This is such a relief.”
A social media post where they say they’re sad is not enough for you to contact them. So don’t fall for that.
In a lot of ways, it’s like breadcrumbing. They’re wanting you to do some of the work, and they’re wanting you to boost their ego and make them feel like you still want them, even though they dumped you. Because that is one of the ultimate ego strokes: when this other person still wants me, even though I brushed them aside and don’t want to be with them.
So sometimes an ex can even be confused, and they’re sad because they’re wanting to feel like you still want them. And I know that that sounds awful and even narcissistic, and in many ways it is. And that’s why I’m telling you not to fall for it.
It’s actually best if you don’t look at your ex’s social media.
And sometimes, I’ll point out, it’s true that you might notice some things on their social media that can give you some information. I really only say that because for the life of me, I can’t get you guys to stop looking at your ex’s social media!
You’re doing the right thing if you can make yourself stay away. And sometimes you might have to say, “I’m just not going to look today” and get one day under your belt so you kind of know what it feels like, and maybe you can get two days.
The more you can stay away, your anxiety will thank you by not showing up because just seeing their picture on their social media, just seeing what they’ve said and trying to analyze it and looking for clues that maybe they want you back and maybe your ex wants you to contact them.
That’s what causes so much of your anxiety. Because there’s a lot of pressure and even seeing their face can make you feel terrible things that cause more anxiety.
So don’t look at their social media!
If anything, try to see it as from your perspective that they don’t even exist until they reach out to you!
That’s really the best way to look at it. And that will guide your actions and help you not do things that later you’re going to regret.
5. Plan Social Events
This means going through your phone, looking at all your contacts, and reaching out to people you haven’t seen or spoken to in a while.
You can schedule lunches, go out for drinks, go bowling, walk your dog, go to a driving range, attend a game or a concert, and do different things with your friends.
Catch up with your friends and family to feel some of that love from people who won’t break up with you.
Most of the time, if you feel close to this person, try to keep the conversation limited because some of it’s good for you but, if there’s too much, they won’t want to be around you because eventually they just don’t want to hear about it anymore. I’m just being honest with you on that because I don’t want you to damage your friendships.
Become your own social planner and schedule events as far out as you can on your calendar. Just start texting, go down your contact list, and say, “Hey, would you be able to do anything this week? How does Tuesday look? How does Wednesday look?”
Get some activities on your calendar so that you have things to look forward to and you have things to do. So, you’re not just sitting around struggling with your anxiety and feeling bad.
The more you can do with people who love you and the more you can surround yourself with love, not only helps you feel better but actually makes you more attractive.
The more you can feel love from others, it’s amazing how that will work, and I’ll get into that in another video.
Just know it will help with you being more attractive than you are right now.
Now, I’m going to tell you the bonus point.
Bonus: Practice Your Response
The bonus point is to practice your response. What I mean by that is practice your response to your anxiety and to feeling all this pressure and worry about your ex in the future.
Practice the response you want to have.
So if you want to be able to say, “I’m not worried about it,” or if you want to have a great day where you’re happy and you’ve got things to do and you’re busy and you’re not thinking about it, practice that.
Pretend you’re that person or pretend that you are far enough along that you can do that. And you will actually get good at it.
It will be easier for you, and it will become natural. You’ll feel better while you’re doing it. And you can even joke with yourself, “I’m going to pretend like everything’s fine now.”
From a long-term standpoint, that might not be the healthiest thing to do, but short term, you’re just practicing it so you can actually do it more naturally.
You will have more time where you don’t feel that anxiety and where you feel good and where you’re not just sitting around, feeling awful about this.
I highly recommend my Emergency Breakup Kit to give you the best chance possible of getting your ex back.
No matter what, I wish you the very best.