This is Coach Lee and I’m going to explain what your ex needs in order to come back to you and to the relationship.
Often times people don’t understand the dynamics of a breakup that cause someone to continue to want to be broken up.
It’s important to understand how your ex sees you and how they feel in order to have the best chance to reunite with them.
There are some cases where moving on is best, but there are also many times when a broken relationship can be restored.
This is Coach Lee and I’m going to talk to you about what your ex needs to come back.
In order to get them back, it’s important to know why they left.
This is really important, this is one of the great principles of life. People don’t leave what they have unless they believe that what they are going to is better.
That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s another person, it can be just getting out of a situation that they think is bad. That’s better, for example, if there’s a lot of negativity.
If they are rejected a lot and they just feel like they’re not wanted, then getting out of that is something better.
So, they can feel like leaving what they have and going to something better is when they get out of that situation.
But in general, people do not leave what they have unless they believe that what they are going to is better.
And when that hits them, when they start to actually not just think about it, not just have days of doubt but actually feel that this is what they want and that it’s going to be best for them to leave.
When they start to really feel that way, that’s when their motivation to stay and their motivation to work on it goes away.
People will often say, “I don’t understand why after all this time that they wouldn’t even work on it, they wouldn’t even try.”
And what often that person does not understand is that usually the person who leaves has all kinds of conversations with themselves about it. It takes months, sometimes years where they are going back and forth and they’re willing to try again. Another weekend, another day, another date, another trip, and they’re hoping that their feelings will change. That’s usually how it goes.
And finally, they reach a point where they decide “this is how it is and I should just stop fighting it.”
“I’ve got to get over this hump.”
“I’ve got to break up with them. “
“It’s going to be difficult, but I’ve got to find a way because there’s something better for me, even if it’s just being alone.”
It’s rare that they would stay alone. Usually, it’s pretty quickly that they would actually try to not be alone anymore.
But in terms of what their motivation is, sometimes they can just put on the blinders and only want to leave.
So, the first reason they could have left is they simply felt that what they could go to is better.
Second, it’s because of extreme negatives where they feel rejected, mistreated, yelled at, lied to, abused in some way, and they just think, even if there’s no one else, “I’ve just got to get out of the situation.”
The third is pretty rare, but it’s where they think the relationship was a mistake from the beginning. Usually, that’s not the case.
Usually, there’s a time in the relationship where both of you were head over heels in love, you were in limerence, and the emotions, the fireworks were high.
That’s pretty rare, but it is out there. It does happen where people just kind of stay in the relationship, hoping something else will happen or they’re just wanting to be with somebody.
But sometimes people can feel the relationship was a mistake from the beginning.
Unfortunately, there’s not a lot that you can do about that. However, there’s not nothing that you can do about that either.
I’ll talk about that more in just a couple of minutes.
And of course, with all the reasons that they could leave, it centers around the fall and attraction.
These things cause a fall and attraction, or they are caused by a fall and attraction.
So, when they believe that there’s something else better for them to go to and they’re willing to leave, that’s when a fall and attraction has already happened.
But it can be caused by lots of things over time to where emotional attraction falls, and then that makes every other point of attraction fall as well.
People who once thought their ex was just incredibly good looking, when emotional attraction falls, they can look at them and actually see them as ugly.
So, emotional attraction is a big deal, and I’m going to help you revive some of that from your ex, or at least give you the best chance of doing so, because it doesn’t always work.
It doesn’t always work, but I’ve seen it work a lot, and so I’m going to try to give you the best chance to get back together with your ex, now that you know why they left.
Once you’ve learned why they left and you kind of get the dynamics of that, you realize that you are in a catch-22.
Unfortunately, a lot of you will only realize it’s a catch-22 after you’ve made the mistakes.
Yes, I apologize for the confusion earlier. Here’s the edited response with periods and paragraph spaces after each two sentences:
So basically, it’s like this:
If after they’ve broken up with you, you think, “Well, I can just overwhelm them with my presence. I can act better, I can be kind, I can do some thoughtful things, I can send gifts, I can show up and beg and plead and show them how much I love them.”
I know that feels like the right thing to do, and I’ve been there and I’ve felt that.
But I can tell you that in 20 years, people learn things, and I’ve learned in 20 years that it’s one of the worst things you could possibly do.
And the best thing that you can do is back away and give your ex the breakup completely.
I know there are other coaches who say the opposite, but what’s interesting is I’ve spoken to many of their clients, and they will tell me that they say the opposite in ads to try to get them to buy a course or book a coaching call, and then they tell them to use the no contact rule.
So, it’s really kind of a scam to try to oppose me on the no contact rule, only to tell them, “You should do the no contact rule.”
Enough of that.
But it’s kind of like if you really hate applesauce and someone says to you, “No, here, have some,” and they’ve got a spoon and they’re trying to force the applesauce into your mouth. Are you going to say, “You know, I never realized how much I liked that?”
Or are you gonna say, “This person is not respecting what I say. They’re not believing me, they’re not listening to me. They’re trying to make me taste this applesauce against my will,” and you’re still gonna hate the applesauce?
Right now, at the moment, attraction is low, and so they do not want any of you right now.
So, giving them some of you is only going to be repulsive.
It is going to be the opposite of attractive. It’s going to push them away.
It’s going to make them want to get away.
They’re going to feel like they didn’t get to leave to go to something better and that they are trapped.
You don’t want them to feel trapped. It’s very important that they do not feel trapped. And I talk about this a lot in my Emergency Breakup Kit.
So, I used the applesauce reference. It’s a good example because you need to see yourself right now as something that your ex does not want.
I know that it’s difficult, and it feels bad, but in the moment you have to realize that, and that it can change, and that’s what we’re trying to accomplish here.
When they do not feel trapped, when they do not feel forced, they can actually reflect.
They have to because you’re not there to fill in those gaps in their memory.
Because the way their brain works is, they’ll say, “well, where is this person? Oh, I broke up with them, that’s right.”
But their mind/brain, because it’s used to the intimacy that you two had and the chemicals that the body and the brain produce when you have a connection with someone like oxytocin, dopamine, and there are other chemicals, it’s a bit of a cocktail. And your brain is used to being stimulated by this other person to feel those things.
You see their face, you hear their voice, you feel those chemicals. So your brain is expecting that when it doesn’t happen, your brain kind of tries to replace them in some ways. And that’s what’s going on with your ex.
They will think about you, they will reflect, and they usually go to the good times.
This is when they can really see if it’s better or maybe if they were wrong.
You see, if you leave them alone and you don’t push them and make them feel trapped or forced, then they can actually start to wonder if maybe they made a mistake.
They can actually look at the situation and evaluate it.
You see, once they break up with you, they’re basically programmed.
It’s like they are going to oppose you, they’re going to fight you, they have this position, so to speak, in the whole thing, and their position is they don’t want to get back together and they don’t want to be with you.
So they will hold that position, they will stand the line on that if you fight them.
If you don’t fight them, it allows them to be open to the idea that the breakup was a mistake. And that’s where you want them to get to because that’s when they’ll reach out.
They’ll check on you and it will likely be casual.
I talk about this in the Emergency Breakup Kit – that a lot of times people are frustrated because their ex will reach out and say, “h”Hey how are you?” And they sometimes hear from other coaches or they just kind of think that they want a message that says, “I was wrong, will you please take me back?”
But as I have talked about in other videos and in my kits, the other person isn’t sure what you want or what you think right now because they broke up with you.
They know there could be some hard feelings there, and they don’t know where your mind is because you’ve been in no contact like you’re supposed to, creating that mystery.
So they’re going to start slowly seeing if you’ll just answer, seeing if you’re angry.
If you respond with “drop dead,” maybe they think their chances aren’t that good.
But if you respond with “things are going well, I hope you’re well too,” or something casual like that, then they know they can talk to you, and they will hopefully move further.
They will go deeper, hopefully they will pitch a face-to-face, they will invite you to have coffee or something.
That is when you know that they have doubted the breakup, and they are still doubting it, and they may even want to get back together.
They’re basically involving you, they’re going to check you out, test you, see how they feel around you.
That’s where all these changes that you’ve, hopefully, made in your emotional attraction, your physical attraction, and your mental attraction come into play.
You’ve made yourself a better conversationalist, you’ve read some things, you’ve worked on your body, you’ve exercised, you’ve dieted, and you’ve worked on yourself emotionally.
So when they see you, they get to see what they were missing.
I get to speak to them or one of the coaches on my staff does, and the person who did the dumping will often say, “I sat there across the table and looked at him and thought, why in the world did I break up with him?”
These things happen, they’re not automatic, it’s not 100%, it’s not guaranteed, and anyone who says that I say that it always works is lying.
But I’m telling you the truth and saying that fear of loss, where they don’t know if they can get you back, where they may think that the breakup was a mistake and now they may have messed it up, some of those things that can happen when you don’t try to force them and you back away, it can reignite motivation, it can reignite attraction.
My Emergency Breakup Kit expands on this and provides more sophisticated strategies that work to get your ex back.
After you access the kit, you’ll be surprised at how much someone can learn about getting an ex back after two decades in the relationship-recovery service.