This is Coach Lee. and I’m going to talk to you about the dumper’s experience during no contact.
So, I’m assuming that you’ve been broken up with, that you’re using the no contact rule, and that you want your ex back.
This is what is happening sort of in between the stages your ex goes through that I talk about in other videos – the stages that an ex goes through during no contact after they’ve broken up with you.
These are sort of the stages within the stages, and they don’t always happen, but if you recognize some of these things or if you’re seeing certain activities, then you could say, “Oh, okay, that’s what’s going on with my ex.”
Let’s get to those stages!
The first one is doubt.
And what I mean by that is, is that they doubt that you can stay away from them, they doubt that you can move on, they doubt that you could do anything but want them.
And so, they look at you as sort of this person who is just waiting around on them.
Like, they look at you with a little bit of a smirk like, “He couldn’t move on, she couldn’t move on. They’re going to always want me.”
And so, they doubt that you personally can emotionally recover from this, and they see that as something that’s to their advantage because that way they don’t have to worry that you could move on if they start to miss you or think the breakup was a mistake.
Because they doubt that you could, they think that there’s nothing to worry about, and so it’s fine. They don’t have to actually look deeper into the breakup. They don’t have to even worry that they made a mistake because there’s no consequences.
They see you as a backup plan just waiting, as someone with no other options who’s just waiting in case things work out.
So, they see you as just waiting on them and making it easy on them. And in that way, they don’t have to experience a real breakup, which I talk about a lot in other videos.
It’s very important that they experience a real breakup.
And so, the first stage within the stage, usually it’s between the relief stage and the curiosity stage, is when they start to doubt you.
Because it actually is a good sign simply because it means they’ve had that little twinge of doubt about the breakup itself.
They’ve had a little bit of pain, maybe they’ve missed you a little bit, and a little bit of concern, and they’re answering it.
So, they’re telling themselves, “No, they can’t move on anyway.” And so, they’re comforting themselves with this, and it’s really interesting.
But that’s where the no contact rule and just you staying away, you being dignified about this, you showing them that you believe in yourself enough that you’re not going to chase and beg and plead, that you’re not going to fix what they broke.
It’s a great thing, it’s a powerful thing, and their response to it is to doubt you BUT the longer that this goes on, time is on your side, and I’m not talking months necessarily in this case.
It’s a good sign because all you have to do is stay away, and that doubt becomes weaker. They begin to doubt their doubt about you.
The second stage
Next on the list of what your ex experiences is that they will seek a support group.
They may not even realize they’re doing it, but they will collect friends and family around themselves who will tell them that they made the right decision, that you’re a bad person, or that you’re spoiled, whatever it may be.
They will seek validation from people around them to make them feel better about their decision to break up with you.
They need this validation because they doubt themselves, and they doubt that they made the right decision. This is typical of a dumper.
They also don’t want to face the pain of the breakup, so they look for others to support them and make them feel better.
This is a way for them to cope with the pain and discomfort that they’re feeling, and it’s a way for them to distract themselves from their emotions.
It’s important to understand that seeking a support group can be a natural part of the process, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that your ex has moved on from you.
A lot of times they do this when they feel their weakest, when they’re actually thinking about reaching out to you, when they’re doubting the breakup the most, and that’s when they will seek these people.
So if you happen to notice that, if there’s any way you can see that, if you see that on social media or if you’re seeing them at work or around town or whatever – if you notice that there’s a lot of people around them and they’re spending a lot of time with just friends, then that can be a strong possibility that they are seeking this group to support them in staying broken up with you.
Take a quick second and get more information on my Emergency Breakup Kit. It’s a powerful guide to help you get your ex back.
3. They Snoop and Stalk
It usually follows after those two things that there’s a third step that they take or a third thing that they do to sort of end this progression, and it’s that they snoop and stalk.
And so what they’ll do, a lot of you will ask about this in the comments on my YouTube channel, you’ll say they are watching your stories, they are liking some of your posts, maybe they’ve even made some sort of general comment on some of the things that you’ve said or the pictures you’ve shared.
Or even if they have referenced something you two did or a place you two went with a picture or comment on their own social media.
And what they’re doing in all this is they’re snooping and stalking. That’s the stage here.
They are trying to figure you out. This is very common, and I call it the arrogance of the dumper, but they are convinced that you could not move on from them. That you couldn’t possibly, because they are so dang attractive and sexy and you want them so bad! It’s really an arrogant, even a narcissistic type of mindset that they have after breaking up with you and as I said, it’s quite common.
When you break up with someone, psychologically you feel more attractive than them.
Why? Because when you break up with someone, you’re the one dismissing them. They’re the one who wants to stay with you.
It’s the perfect combination of want and not want. So one person wants it, the other person does not. And so, they think you want them permanently.
So when you behave as though maybe you don’t still want them or maybe you won’t want them permanently, because you’re not contacting, chasing, pleading, begging, all those things that they’ve seen in the movies that the other person does.
In the movies the other person sends flowers or other gifts, begs, gets on their hands and knees or they show up and they hold a boombox above their head and play romantic music for you in front of your bedroom window.
They see all these things in movies and shows and we’re told that that’s what happens, and then they observe that with you, it’s not happening.
It is a shot to their ego, and they can even get angry at you. How dare you not fight for me?! How dare you not chase me down?
And that’s where, if you have been dumped by someone who thinks this way, who feels this way, maybe you’ve actually dodged a bullet and that this is a good thing for you and at least something to consider.
But if you see them snoop and stalk, and on your social media watching your stories, it’s a good sign. They’re trying to figure you out. It’s really that simple.
They’re trying to see how far you’ve gone, and that usually means they do have some doubt in the breakup, that they’re not convinced that it was the best thing, and they’re wanting to make sure that you’re there in backup plan mode and are looking for clues that will encourage them.
It’s sort of like when they put the group around them to encourage them, they’re wanting to see things that encourage them, so they’re looking for anything that shows you’re sad, that you’re not going out, or you aren’t pursuing your passions.
However, I don’t suggest that you post pictures of you on dates and stuff like that because really you need some time to grieve anyway, two or three months at least, so you really shouldn’t be doing those things and the reason should be for yourself.
But they don’t have to know that, and so a lot of times, mystery is the way to go. Post some pictures with you out with friends maybe here and there, but go dark, don’t post as much socially.
You can post semi-regularly, but don’t feel like you have to post more because if they are not getting that encouragement and they go to your social media and you haven’t posted anything, it’s frustrating for them.
They want you to give them those updates. They feel like they’re entitled to it and that is another immature personality trait or entitlement on their part. “You owe me, what you have is mine. I want you to make me feel better about dumping you.”
It ought to irritate you a little bit, it ought to make you mad.
They are seeing you as someone who they have dumped and tossed aside, but they also see it as your job to make them feel good about it and about themselves!
Be sure to check out that Emergency Breakup Kit, and let’s get to the next stage in this.
4. They Will Bait You
So stage four is now that they have been looking at your social media, and you’re probably not giving them enough information, you’re not giving them enough encouragement, they don’t feel good enough about themselves and how you view them.
And so, they will try to bait you to make you be the one to give them that clue.
It could be as aggressive as a text that they will say, “Hey wanted to see how you’re doing” or they will like your posts or post a picture that maybe is a place where you two went together.
And they’re wanting you to comment or to reach out to them because they want to know, first of all, that you’re paying attention to them, and second, they want to see how little they can do to get a response out of you, to get a reaction out of you!
Think about that!
In other words, they want to know if they can just like a post that you made and you’ll reach out to them.
Because that tells them that you are just waiting on the edge, hoping for anything, hoping for crumbs from their table, and that you’ll reach out.
They’re wanting to see you still as the pursuer and that they are the prize.
And so, they might make some vague generic comment on your social media, wanting you to reply to them. There, wanting you to text, wanting you to do something. They’re basically rattling the cage to try to get the animal to move around.
And that movement is going to be encouraging to them.
It’s going to tell them that they still could easily get your attention and probably get you back, especially if you respond quickly and you respond more powerfully than they do (you know, because they are so irresistibly sexy).
So, for example, if they just make some generic comment about the post you made. Let’s say you said something about vacations and they simply agreed with you that vacations are fun.
Or maybe you posted a picture of some food you had and they said that french onion soup is delicious.
In other words, it’s not anything personal, it’s not them saying something personally to you, it’s just them commenting generically on the subject that you talked about.
They’re wanting you to do all the work, which is not fair and is ridiculous.
They’re wanting you to do all the work, and so they’re baiting you just a little bit so they can get that ego boost. And it feels so good, they get all kinds of dopamine and validation.
It’s kind of like those people who post half-naked pictures on Instagram and love to get those likes and those comments about how beautiful they are.
It’s very similar as far as the ego boost, the validation, and the reinforcement of how sexy they are. And it feels so good because they feel like that they are the prize and they are so sought after, and you are clawing and crawling and trying to get them.
You don’t like to be used do you?
Don’t fall for it, you deserve better, especially when they’ve just tossed you aside. Right?
What usually follows this is number five, which I call the moment of truth.
5. The Moment of Truth
And basically, it’s where you have been strong and in no contact which is what you’re supposed to be doing. You’re staying away, you’re not relieving their doubt, you are not entrenching yourself as a backup plan for them, you’re not responding when they snoop and stock, and you’re not taking the bait to boost their ego.
So, in a lot of ways, they will start to feel like they have no other option but to reach out to you, to text you, and possibly even request a meet-up.
That’s very common when they get to this stage, and I encourage you to be cautious because if most of this is for an ego boost, which some of it is at least, and some of it is also that they have had some time, and they have missed you some at least.
I encourage you to be cautious because if most of this is for an ego boost and you merely serve that purpose by reaching out, you have hurt your chances. Those are called breadcrumbs and I strongly encourage you not to pick them up.
You want to move slowly. You can even say, “I want to take this one day at a time,” because they need to earn you back.
They need to show you that they want the relationship, they want you, and they regret the breakup.
They should be willing to work to make the future for the two of you good. That needs to be something they are working on, working toward, and showing you every day.
If you just give it all back to them at once and say, “Yeah, of course, I’ve missed you so much,” and you tell them how horrible it’s been and how happy you are that they’ve come back, you are basically preventing the stuff that needs to happen for them to really be back.
You’re giving it back to them too quickly, and all you’re doing is giving them that ego boost, which makes them feel again like they want to break up. This is a pattern that I have seen so make sure you are disciplined in you approach.
As I’ve talked about in other videos, that totem pole of attraction, if they feel like they are so much more attractive than you, they will leave you because they want to be attracted to you at the same level or more than you are to them. That’s so much more important than most people realize.
So, if you make them feel that it’s out of balance, that all they have to do is come back and say, “Hey, what do you think about getting back together?” and you’re just like, “Oh, yeah, yeah, absolutely,” then you create that imbalance again, and you don’t want to do that!
It’s important to be casual but polite when they do make that move, when they do have the Moment of Truth.
It’s very important you understand what is going on with your ex if you want to reunite with him/her.
My Emergency Breakup Kit expands on this and provides more sophisticated strategies that work to get your ex back.I also have my Emergency Marriage Kit if your spouse wants a divorce or the two of you are separated and they want to leave the marriage completely.
After you access the kit, you’ll be surprised at how much someone can learn about getting an ex back after two decades in the relationship-recovery service.