What Pushes Your Ex Away?

I’m going to share with you essential insights into a delicate aspect of post-breakup dynamics: how not to push your ex away and what to avoid that would push them away even further.

This is especially crucial if you’re hoping to rekindle after a breakup.

It’s easy to mistakenly engage in behaviors that drive them further away, even when our intention is to draw them closer.

Let’s deeply understand these actions and navigate this intricate situation.

The Misconception of Ignoring Your Ex

Ignoring your ex is often recommended as a strategic move.

The logic appears sound: “make them miss you.”

But let’s consider the real human psychology behind this.

If you’re on the receiving end of a breakup, silence from your ex can create doubt and uncertainty.

This method can paradoxically communicate disinterest, shutting the door on potential reconciliation.

Psychological Impact of Silence

Ignoring your ex is often seen as protective, a shield against emotional harm.

However, this approach can be self-sabotaging.

While maintaining self-respect is essential, completely cutting off communication can miscommunicate your intentions.

A nuanced approach, acknowledging their outreach in a non-committal yet friendly manner, can keep future dialogues possible.

Emotions and Communication Post-Breakup

Emotions run high post-breakup, making it tempting to either express intense feelings or shut down completely.

Being overly emotional can overwhelm your ex, while complete detachment might seem cold and unapproachable.

A middle ground, while still showing reservation and the need for the one who dumped you to “earn you back” to some degree is best based on my experience.

When an ex reaches out, I suggest responding with measured warmth (casual but polite) to set the stage for more positive interactions.

The Double-Edged Sword of Over-Communication

Over-communication is a common pitfall.

Bombarding your ex with messages or constant attempts at interaction can backfire, turning from a caring gesture into a source of annoyance.

Interacting with your ex requires a balanced response.

Avoiding desperation or overly eager attitudes, yet not appearing so detached that it reads as disinterest is the goal.

Responding in a friendly, casual manner to their outreach shows openness to communication without desperation.

Impact of Being Mean or Cold

Responding with coldness or hostility, often a reaction to hurt, is rarely effective.

Pretty much never.

This behavior signals that you’re still deeply affected by the breakup and your ex’s actions.

It creates an environment of negativity and confrontation, likely pushing your ex further away rather than drawing them closer.

Wisely Dealing with Emotions

Managing emotions post-breakup is delicate.

Consistently showing your pain to your ex can be counterproductive, placing them in a position of feeling responsible for your emotions and deterring them from seeking reconciliation.

One majory reason that continuing to show your pain to your ex along with efforts to get them back often causes them to feel that there were no consequences for their actions.

You want your ex to have that “ah-ha” moment where they think to themselves, “I might have really messed up!”

That is what inspires action.

What does not inspire action is if they think that you still want them back.

Then, not only do they feel no consequences for their actions, but they feel as if they still want the breakup since you aren’t giving it to them.

Please read the above sentence again.

The Jealousy Trap

Attempting to make your ex jealous is risky.

It can be seen as manipulative and may backfire, pushing your ex further away.

Jealousy might provoke a temporary reaction, but it rarely leads to healthy, long-term reconciliation.

Most of the time your ex will assume that you are attempting to make them jealous, which will only lead them down the path that I mentioned prior to this point (that there were no consequences for their actions and that they still want the breakup because you aren’t leaving them alone).

Self-Improvement Focus

“Work on myself…..I know Coach Lee.”

I say it quite a bit, but focusing on self-improvement during this time is beneficial.

Engaging in activities that boost your well-being and happiness aids your healing process and presents you as confident and attractive.

This self-growth can make you more appealing to your ex and shows you’re capable of finding happiness independently.

Respecting the Reconciliation Process

Understanding the reconciliation process is key.

It is a process and almost never happens overnight.

It requires patience, empathy, and strategic thinking.

Avoiding negative behaviors and engaging in positive ones is crucial.

Take it one day at a time – no more.

Remember some of the most famous words in history:

“Don’t worry about tomorrow. Let it worry about itself. Today is enough.” -Jesus

Professional Guidance

Navigating the post-breakup phase can be challenging.

Seeking professional guidance can provide personalized advice and clarity.

As a relationship coach, I’ve encountered various scenarios and can offer insights tailored to your specific situation.

You can book a session with me or a coach on my staff.

Extending the Insight: Deepening the Understanding

Let’s dive deeper into each of these points to fully grasp the nuances of post-breakup interactions.

1. Ignoring Your Ex: A Closer Look

When you ignore your ex, it’s often a reaction to the pain and disappointment of the breakup.

It’s a natural defense mechanism, but it can be misinterpreted as indifference or resentment.

This can be especially confusing if your ex is reaching out, as they may be reconsidering their decision.

Ignoring them might solidify their choice to move on, rather than reflecting on the relationship.

2. The Complexity of Communication

Communicating with an ex is complex.

There’s a fine line between showing you care and appearing too invested.

You want to convey that you’re doing well without them but are open to discussing things maturely.

This requires a level of emotional intelligence and control, ensuring your responses are considerate, succinct, and not overly emotional.

All of this of course, when they reach out to you.

I don’t suggest that you reach out to them. More about that in this article: “Should I Ever Break No Contact?”

3. Managing Emotional Responses

Your emotional response to a breakup is a key indicator of your state of mind and maturity.

It’s important to process your emotions healthily, perhaps through journaling, talking to friends, or even therapy.

This ensures that when you do interact with your ex, your emotions are controlled and not the primary driver of the conversation.

4. Avoiding the Jealousy Game

Jealousy is a powerful emotion but playing the jealousy game is a risky strategy.

If your ex thinks that you are attempting to make them feel jealous, that often just shows them that you still want the relationship.

It can cause much more harm than good, often leading to a cycle of revenge and one-upmanship.

If your ex perceives that you’re trying to make them jealous, it can diminish their respect for you and hurt any chances of a reconciliation.

5. The Value of Self-Improvement

Focusing on self-improvement is perhaps the most beneficial strategy post-breakup.

It’s a time to reflect on what you’ve learned from the relationship, grow as an individual, and pursue interests or goals that you may have put on hold.

This not only helps in your healing process but also makes you a more well-rounded and attractive individual in the long run.

Navigating the aftermath of a breakup and the possibility of getting back with your ex is a journey filled with emotional complexity and requires a thoughtful approach.

By understanding and applying these insights, you can increase your chances of a positive outcome, whether that’s rekindling an old flame or finding closure and moving on to a brighter future.

Continued Reflections and Strategies

To further enrich your understanding, let’s explore more strategies and reflections that can aid in this journey.

Reflecting on the Breakup Reasons

Understanding the real reason for the breakup is important.

Reflect on the reasons behind the separation.

This introspection can provide valuable insights into what went wrong and what can be potentially fixed or improved upon.

It also helps in deciding whether pursuing reconciliation is truly in your best interests.

The Role of Patience and Time

Patience is a virtue, especially in the delicate period following a breakup.

Rushing to get back together or to ‘fix’ things can often lead to significantly more harm.

It’s important not to rush this process but to let it unfold naturally.

Learning from the Past

Every relationship, whether successful or not, is a learning experience.

Reflect on what you’ve learned from your past relationship – both the good and the bad.

This learning can be instrumental in your personal growth and in future relationships, whether with your ex or someone new.

Sincerely,

Coach Lee