The Psychology of the Dumper: Understanding Your Ex’s Mindset

I’m going to talk to you about the psychology of the dumper and how the no contact rule impacts them.

People ask me to talk about this all the time, and so I wanted to give you some insight into what’s going on in the mind of your ex if they initiated the breakup.

Understanding their mindset can help you strategize and potentially reunite the relationship.

Different Places, Different Perspectives

Number One: you two are at very different places.

You may have already figured that out because it seems as though you don’t understand them.

The words that would have brought them closer to you now push them away.

They actually seem to feel and think differently than they did just a few weeks ago or maybe even just a few days ago.

That’s very important to realize as you move forward and maybe try to put together some kind of strategy to get your ex back and to reunite the relationship.

A lot of what you do is based on thinking that they are the same as they were a few weeks ago or a few months ago, but they’re not.

Approaching it as though you’re dealing with the same person is not going to work, and that’s why you’re in shock and they don’t seem to be.

This does not shock them; this doesn’t seem to hurt them as much.

They seem resolute, or at least they seem like they’re more comfortable with this than you are with just breaking up and ending the relationship. For you, this is unthinkable; this is abandonment.

How could they do this to such a beautiful relationship or to you?

That is part of my point: you are sitting there with the response of, “How?” because this doesn’t make any sense.

You’re trying to understand it, you’re trying to explain the situation, and you two are in very different places.

So don’t approach it thinking that what would have worked a few weeks ago to bring them closer to you or to turn them on is going to work the same.

That’s the first thing you need to understand: you two are in very different places, and that’s why they don’t make any sense to you right now.

Decision Commitment

Number Two: this expands on number one, but basically your ex has what I’m referring to as decision commitment.

They told you they want to break up, so as you push and try to do something to get them to get back together with you now, it feels like you’re losing them more every day and you want them back, you want this nightmare to be over.

For them, since they made the commitment to break up with you, they feel like they need to stick with it, even if it’s not permanent.

Think about things that you decide or things that you commit to: appointments, projects, things you’re going to pay back—you feel obligated to stick to your word and to keep the commitment you made and to follow through with your decision.

That’s human nature, especially if you’ve been raised right. Your ex, because they broke up with you and said, “I want this to be over,” or “I think we should see other people,” or whatever they said to you—maybe they said, “I need to work on myself,” which is usually just an excuse they think you can’t argue with—but they told you something.

They know what it would look like if the next day they just called and said, “You know what, I changed my mind. Let’s stay together.”

I know you want that. I know you want this to be resolved quickly, but for them, because they actually told you, made a decision, and put this out there, they are going to try to stick with it.

That’s why a lot of times right after the breakup it seems hopeless.

It seems impossible for someone in your shoes because you are dealing with someone who is committed to the breakup.

Even if they have some doubt and some feelings for you, and they’re not really sure about it, they will try to stick with it.

That doesn’t mean that you can’t get them back; that doesn’t mean that proper techniques after a breakup won’t work.

You can talk to me about that in a coaching session if you want.

Do know that right now they are going to try to stick with this just because they know what it would look like if they just flipped back and forth.

It would kind of look a little bit unstable.

That doesn’t mean that you can’t get them back, but it does mean that it will not be in an instant like you might hope. It usually is not quickly resolved; it usually takes some time.

The Expectation of Contact

Before I get to number three, get my Emergency Breakup Kit.

It’s a powerful guide to help you get your ex back.

It’s a culmination of over two decades in the relationship coaching service, and I want to help you, but I can’t unless you get the course.

The Emergency Breakup Kit is designed to help you get your ex back after they broke up with you.

Number three on the list of the psychology of the dumper is they expect to hear from you.

3. They Expect To Hear From You

This does NOT mean that you should reach out.

I’ll say it again – this does NOT mean that you should reach out to your ex.

As a matter of fact, it means you should do the opposite because you want to defy their expectations.

You want to surprise them, you want to confuse them, you want to seem mysterious, but they will expect to hear from you because they don’t think that you’re going to change after the day of the breakup when you wanted to be with them and they didn’t want to be with you.

They assume you still want to be with them, but they don’t want to be with you.

That means you will do things to show that and to validate them because they feel that they’re more attractive than you when they break up with you.

It doesn’t mean they’re a bad person for doing that.

It just means that the dynamic of breaking up with you puts you on a lower level than your ex.

Whether they want to admit it or not, they feel more attractive than you.

I’m not saying it’s light years; I’m just saying they feel to some degree more attractive than you because they wanted to break up with you, but you didn’t want to break up with them.

It’s kind of basic there, but that’s how it works.

A lot of people tend to get upset when I say that, but that’s just the reality of the situation after having spoken to thousands of people who have done the dumping and who’ve been dumped.

That’s basically the psychology of it.

They do feel that they are at least on a higher level than you because they want this thing over, and you still want to be with them.

You can see how it would set up a dynamic for that.

Within that, they expect to hear from you.

They expect their phone to buzz and it’s you, and you’re trying to get them back.

They don’t want that necessarily, at least they don’t think they do, but when they don’t get it, they don’t feel that same validation.

They don’t feel that they’re more attractive.

They feel like you’re not going to be in backup plan mode.

It can really be rattling for them because if you wanted to get back together with them and you thought they were more attractive than you and you felt that, then you would be chasing, you would be begging and pleading.

They’ve seen the movies, they’ve heard the stories about crazy exes and how people who want to be with the other person will push and chase and beg and plead and do all these things.

So when you’re not doing them, it’s not what they expected.

It defies their expectations, and that in itself is not going to make them want to get back together with you just because you defy their expectations, but it is part of the process because it at least slows them down rather than trying to get away from you, which is what they’re doing when you’re begging and pleading and chasing and pursuing.

They feel like you won’t give them what they want, and so they feel like they have to escape from you.

I’m going to get into more of that in a point right after this one, but basically if you don’t do what they expect, it at least causes their mind to turn more towards you and for them to start thinking, “Maybe he is going to be able to move on.

Maybe he or she’s strong enough to stay away from me.

Maybe they can move on to somebody else.

Maybe they’re not going to be permanently available in case I change my mind.” Whenever we make a decision, we like to have those backup plans.

Your ex, even though they probably didn’t consciously think it, didn’t make a list, didn’t write this out in detail, there’s this gut-level emotional assumption that you will be permanently available in case they change their mind.

They can kind of take this license, go out, be with other people, party, give in to their FOMO, and you will be waiting just in case they change their mind.

That’s a nice backup plan; that’s a nice safety net for them breaking up with you because it prevents them from having to experience the consequences of the breakup.

When they start thinking that might not be the case, it at least makes them reconsider to some degree,

“Do I really want this? Do I want this breakup? Was it the right thing to do, breaking up with them?”

It can get them to at least come to the table in their mind to see if this is what they really want, and it’s going to filter future experiences.

That will make more sense as I talk about some other things.

Pity Annoys Them

Number four: pity annoys them.

This is what I was mentioning in a previous point where I said that they’re trying to get away from you because you’re begging and pleading and chasing and you won’t leave them alone.

They feel like freedom is something they can’t achieve because you’re not letting them, and it will make them angry at you.

It will make them try to run harder; it’ll make them less likely to reconsider because they’re actually just wanting and focused on getting away.

You are in the way of what they think they want.

If you put yourself in that position, it makes it so they try harder to get away from you, and it makes it more difficult to reattach them by far.

Sometimes people in your shoes will use pity.

You will try to make your ex feel sorry for you, thinking that that will reattach them when that is not the case.

Pity and attraction are very different things.

Usually, what happens is they will become annoyed when they feel sorry for you because it’s not a fun feeling.

I know that sounds really immature; that sounds like they lack empathy, and they probably do in this moment, in this situation.

But if you try to make them feel sorry for you, try to show them your pain, they reach a point where they become angry at your pain.

They don’t want to see it because it makes this more difficult for them, and they just want to be free.

They see that as you holding them back.

They will see your pain as holding them back.

So don’t try to use pity because it will actually lower attraction. It will make them want to get away from you and not be around you.

If you think about it, if someone’s going through something difficult, when you’re close to them, you want to hear about that, you want to be there for them.

But there comes a point, if you’re being honest, when you see the text from them or they call, and you think, “I don’t want to hear it right now.”

I know that sounds bad, but it’s okay to admit because you’re human.

You feel sorry for them, you love them, you want to help them, and that’s someone who’s your friend.

Even in that situation, there comes that point.

Your ex, because they are wanting to move on with their life and they think they want something else, if they have to experience that and they feel like they’re having to see your pain and they’re pitying you and you’re telling them how bad this is affecting you, it is very, very often that it turns them into a cruel creature in this moment.

People talk about that a lot.

I have a post/video called “Why is My Ex So Cruel.”

It explains this principle: your pity will start to annoy them.

Though there’s nothing wrong with you hurting—I understand you’re hurting, I’ve been there, and I help people who are hurting—don’t show that pain to your ex.

Do your best not to because it will only frustrate them and make them try to get away from you.

At first, it might seem like it works; they might say, “I’m so sorry that I’m hurting you so much, I can’t believe this is happening,” and they might even check on you, but it is very short-term.

I suggest you don’t fall for it because then you will notice they turn cold, they turn cruel, and your pain will annoy them.

They will actually resent that they feel pity for you, and attraction, whatever is left, will go rock bottom.

They Will Reconsider

Number five on the list of the psychology of the dumper is they will reconsider.

A lot of people wonder if their ex is just 100% in the direction of the breakup and getting away from them.

In cases of abuse or in cases where it just was not a good thing, that can be true.

But most of the time, if it was a good relationship and it lasted longer than six months—and even in cases where it was shorter, but I’m just giving you the best case where this would be the way that it works out—is that if it’s been six months at least and the relationship was good, then they will reconsider.

They will think about it. Did I make the right decision?

They’ll weigh the evidence, they’ll weigh their feelings.

The best thing you can do is put more pressure on that, and you do that by allowing them to see that this is not something that they can just do without consequences, that you will move on with your life and that you’re strong enough to do that.

Being in no contact is how you show them that.

When they do reconsider, we don’t want them to get a text from you and make them think that you’ll just permanently be available if they change their mind because they can say, “Oh, well then I don’t have to worry about it, I don’t have to reconsider, I can do whatever I want, and if something just jumps out at me emotionally, then maybe I’ll go see.”

You want them to feel like there’s some urgency to this.

You want them to feel like this is important, and they need to take time now to think about this.

The longer you let them go on where they think that there’s no point in worrying about it, there’s no point in reconsidering because you’re right there, you’re constantly there, you’re showing them that you want to be with them still and you’re begging and pleading, which is annoying them, you’re doing things to push them away, then they won’t reconsider.

But if you completely leave them alone and you use the no contact rule, then they will reconsider.

They’ll at least think about it.

I’m not saying that means they will definitely get back together with you, but I’m saying if you are silent, they’re not hearing from you, then it will make them realize this could be over for good, so I better be sure.

You may say, “Weren’t they sure at the breakup?”

Usually not.

Usually, they’re 70% or 80% sure, but that 20% doubt, when they start to see that you’re not contacting them and that defies their expectations, then they are much more likely to ask themselves, “Was this the right decision? Did I really want this?” because they are experiencing some of those negatives, some of those negative consequences of the breakup, and that’s what you want them to experience.

Then, when they reconsider, it puts pressure on them, and they start to have some of the downsides of the breakup, like missing intimacy with you, not having your company, not being able to hear about your week or tell you about their week.

Those are small things, and if the relationship was bad and there was anger and resentment, then that might not impact them as much.

But if that wasn’t in there, then that will impact them greatly, probably a lot more than they anticipated.

The best thing you can do is put more pressure on them by letting them see that you’re not chasing, you’re not begging, that you’re strong enough to stay away and therefore you’re strong enough to move on, and they could lose you.

You can book a private coaching session with me. We can talk about how you can get your ex back, how you can save your marriage, or even how you can move on if that’s what you want to do.

You can get the Emergency Breakup Kit which is a powerful guide to get your ex back!

Sincerely,

Coach Lee