No Contact, What Now?

No Contact, Now What?

The aftermath of a breakup is one of the most emotionally challenging experiences one can face.

When the dust settles and the decision to initiate no contact has been made, the road ahead can seem daunting and unclear.

I wrote this article to explore and explain the concept of no contact, its importance, and the steps you can take during this critical period to improve your chances of reconciliation with your ex and personal growth.

The Concept of No Contact

No contact is a strategy used to give both partners space and time to reflect on the relationship after a breakup.

It’s about respecting the other person’s decision to end the relationship and allowing them the freedom they seek.

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This is especially important since not providing your ex what they seek only makes them want it more and, therefore, causes them to view you as something/someone preventing them from getting what they think they want.

It also provides you with the opportunity to regain your composure, dignity, and emotional balance so that you don’t harm (or further harm) your attractiveness in the eyes of your ex.

No contact is not just about getting your ex back but also about preserving your self-respect and ensuring you don’t compromise your dignity by begging or pleading.

Why No Contact?

  1. Respecting Their Decision: When someone breaks up with you, it’s crucial to respect their decision. By not chasing after them, you show maturity and self-respect. This approach demonstrates that you can accept their choice and are capable of moving forward without them, which is infinitely more attractive than desperation.
  2. Psychological Impact: No contact works on multiple psychological levels. It allows your ex to experience life without you, which can lead to them missing the positive aspects of the relationship. It disrupts their expectation that you will always be available, often making them question their decision to end things.
  3. Rebuilding Yourself: This period is not just about the ex; it’s about you. It provides you with the space to focus on self-improvement, personal growth, and emotional healing. By working on yourself, you become a better version of who you were in the relationship, which can be appealing if and when your ex decides to return but is also something that they can see even if they choose to casually interact with you in the process of sorting our posessions, checking up on you, hearing about you from mutual friends, or by viewing your social media.

The Stages of No Contact

  1. Initial Relief and Liberation: Initially, your ex may feel relieved and liberated. I call this the “Relief Stage.” They believe they made the right decision and enjoy their newfound freedom for a time. This stage is often marked by a sense of euphoria as they explore life without the relationship’s perceived constraints.
  2. Doubt and Reflection: This can be a transitionary or substage following Relief. As time progresses, the initial excitement fades, and reality sets in. Your ex starts to reflect on the relationship and the decision to end it. Memories of the good times begin to surface, and they may start to question whether they made the right choice.
  3. Curiosity and Missing You: During this stage, your ex begins to wonder about you. They might check your social media profiles, ask mutual friends about you, or even reach out indirectly. This curiosity indicates that they are starting to miss you and are contemplating the possibility of reconnecting.
  4. Reevaluation and Decision: Eventually, your ex will reach a point where they need to decide whether to move on completely or consider rekindling the relationship. This stage is critical as it determines the future course of action. Your silence is key in getting them to this point and the fear of losing you due to this is what can encourage them to attempt to rekindle with you.

Maintaining Hope During No Contact

Keeping hope alive during no contact can be challenging. Here are some strategies to help you stay positive:

  1. Delayed Gratification: Understand that no contact is about delayed gratification. Just because you don’t see immediate results doesn’t mean it isn’t working. Patience is essential and is your super power during since the process takes time.
  2. Focus on Personal Growth: Use this time to work on yourself. Engage in activities that bring you joy, pursue new hobbies, and improve your physical and mental well-being. The more you invest in yourself, the better you will feel.
  3. Support System: Surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Talking to people who care about you can provide comfort and encouragement during this difficult time. Embracing love from others contributes significantly to your attractiveness as well as helping you to feel better.
  4. Reflect on Past Relationships: Remember that you have overcome heartbreak before and emerged stronger. This can give you confidence that you will get through this period as well.

Why No Contact Really Works

  1. Creates a Sense of Loss: By stepping away and not contacting your ex, you allow them to feel the full impact of your absence. This absence creates a void that makes them realize what they had and what they lost.
  2. Shifts the Power Dynamic: During the breakup, the person who ended the relationship holds the power. No contact shifts this dynamic, as it shows you are not dependent on them for your happiness. It places the ball in their court, forcing them to reconsider their decision.
  3. Prevents Desperation: Desperation is unattractive and counterproductive. By not chasing after your ex, you avoid appearing needy and clingy, which can push them further away.
  4. Encourages Self-Reflection: No contact gives both parties the time and space to reflect on the relationship. Your ex has the opportunity to evaluate their feelings and realize the value of the connection you shared.
  5. Demonstrates Emotional Strength: Emotional resilience is attractive. By showing that you can handle the breakup with grace and dignity, you present yourself as a strong and independent individual.

What to Do During No Contact

  1. Self-Care: Prioritize self-care during this period. Exercise regularly, eat healthily, and get enough sleep. Taking care of your physical health will positively impact your mental well-being.
  2. Set Goals: Establish personal goals. Working towards achieving these goals can provide a sense of purpose and accomplishment.
  3. Reconnect with Friends: Use this time to reconnect with friends and strengthen your social network. Surrounding yourself with positive influences can boost your mood and provide emotional support.
  4. Explore New Interests: Discover new hobbies and interests. Engaging in activities you enjoy can help distract you from the pain of the breakup and provide a sense of fulfillment.
  5. Reflect and Learn: Reflect on the relationship and identify areas where you can improve. Use this time to learn from past mistakes and become a better partner for future relationships.
  6. Seek Professional Help: If you find it challenging to cope with the breakup, consider seeking professional help. A coach can provide valuable guidance and support. You can book a session with me or a coach on my staff here.

Avoid Common Pitfalls

  1. Avoid Stalking Your Ex Online: Constantly checking your ex’s social media profiles can hinder your healing process and keep you stuck in the past. I know it’s tempting, but it’s essential to resist the urge to stalk them online and to focus on your own growth instead.
  2. Don’t Break No Contact: Breaking no contact by reaching out to your ex can undo the progress you’ve made. Trust the process and allow time to work its magic. If you think your situation might be an exception, see my article, “Should You Ever Break No Contact?”
  3. Avoid Rebound Relationships: Jumping into a new relationship immediately after a breakup can prevent you from fully healing and processing your emotions. Give yourself time to recover before seeking new romantic connections.

Reconnecting After No Contact

If your ex reaches out after a period of no contact, it’s crucial to handle the situation with care.

Here are some tips for reconnecting:

  1. Stay Calm and Composed: When your ex contacts you, remain calm and composed. Avoid showing too much excitement or eagerness, as this can make you appear desperate.
  2. Take It Slow: Rebuilding a relationship takes time. Don’t rush into things or push for immediate reconciliation. Allow the relationship to develop naturally.
  3. Focus on the Having A Positive Experience With Your Ex: Show your ex a good time. Show them that you can interact with them without requesting they get back together with you. That will lower the perceived risk of interacting with you. This will usually allow you more opportunities to re-attract them.

Staying Strong Through No Contact

Staying strong during no contact can be challenging, but it’s crucial for your healing and personal growth.

Here are some strategies to help you stay strong:

  1. Remind Yourself of the Benefits: Regularly remind yourself of the benefits of no contact. Remember that this period is about giving yourself and your ex the space to heal and reflect.
  2. Stay Busy: Keep yourself occupied with activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Staying busy can help distract you from the pain of the breakup and prevent you from dwelling on negative thoughts.
  3. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself and practice self-compassion. Understand that healing takes time, and it’s okay to have difficult days. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend going through a similar situation.
  4. Seek Support: Reach out to friends, family, or a coach for support. But I suggest you don’t speak with mutual friends about the breakup since they will often overestimate their ability to help you and could go to your ex to talk about you. That almost always harms your chances of reuniting with your ex. Talking to someone who understands what you’re going through can provide comfort and encouragement but I suggest it be someone who is not friends with your ex, is family, or is a professional.
  5. Stay Positive: Maintain a positive outlook and focus on the future. Believe that good things are ahead, whether that means reuniting with your ex or finding happiness on your own.

When No Contact Doesn’t Work

While no contact is an effective strategy for many, it’s important to acknowledge that it may not work in every situation.

If your ex doesn’t reach out after an extended period (3 months or more), it may be time to accept that the relationship has ended and focus on moving forward.

Here are some steps to take if no contact doesn’t lead to reconciliation:

emergency breakup kit

The video above provides concrete things that you can do to feel better and to move on with your life.


No contact is a powerful strategy for healing and potentially rekindling a relationship after a breakup.

It requires patience, self-discipline, and a focus on personal growth.

By respecting your ex’s decision, maintaining your dignity, and using this time to work on yourself, you can increase your chances of reconciliation while also preparing yourself for a better future, whether or not it includes your ex.

Remember, no contact is not just about getting your ex back; it’s about valuing yourself and refusing to settle for a relationship where you are not fully appreciated.

Stay strong, stay positive, and trust that whatever happens, you will emerge from this experience stronger and more resilient.

Remember, relationships and love are worth fighting for, but only if both people are willing to put in the effort.

If your ex comes back, it will be because they truly want to be with you and have realized the value of the relationship.

Until then, focus on being the best version of yourself, and trust that the right outcome will unfold in time.

Get your ex back with Coach Lee’s Emergency Breakup Kit!


Coach Lee

About Coach Lee

Coach Lee, Master of Marriage & Family Counseling, helps people save relationships. He developed the Emergency Breakup Kit, a powerful guide to winning back an ex. Get information on the Kit by Clicking Here! If your MARRIAGE is struggling, get his free mini-course on saving a marriage.

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