No contact is a widely discussed strategy for dealing with breakups, but when the person in question has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), the situation can become far more complex.
Many people who have been in relationships with someone who exhibits symptoms of BPD struggle with understanding how no contact will affect them.
Will it make them return?
Will it push them away for good?
What can you expect if your ex has BPD?
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In this article, I will answer these questions and provide insight into why no contact is not only effective but also essential when dealing with a breakup involving someone with BPD.
Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder is characterized by impulsivity, mood swings, difficulty maintaining stable relationships, and an intense fear of abandonment.
These individuals often have difficulty regulating their emotions, leading to unpredictable reactions, extreme highs and lows, and patterns of behavior that can be exhausting for their partners.
If you suspect that your ex has BPD, they may not have been officially diagnosed, but their behavior likely aligns with the traits of the disorder.
If you’ve found yourself repeatedly questioning how they could love you one moment and devalue you the next, you’re not alone.
These are hallmark signs of BPD relationships, and they often create an unhealthy dynamic where one partner is constantly walking on eggshells.
The Double Standards of a BPD Relationship
One of the most common experiences in relationships with someone who has BPD is dealing with double standards.
If you do something that upsets them, they may react with intense anger, potentially even threatening to leave you.
However, when they engage in similar behavior, they often expect you to simply accept it.
This imbalance can leave you feeling powerless and undervalued.
Many people who have been in relationships with someone who has BPD fear standing up for themselves because they’ve been conditioned to believe that doing so will push their partner away.
If you’ve been in this kind of dynamic, you may feel like you’ve been demoted to second place in the relationship—where your needs, emotions, and boundaries don’t seem to matter.
This is why no contact is so crucial.
It breaks the cycle of control and resets the power dynamic.
The Emotional Whiplash of Borderline Personality Disorder Related To No Contact
One of the key reasons no contact works so well with people who have BPD is their tendency to experience emotional whiplash.
Their feelings can shift dramatically and unpredictably. One day they may hate you, and the next, they may love you again.
This emotional instability means that their decision to break up with you may not be permanent.
People with BPD often become enraged over seemingly minor issues.
Something that wouldn’t bother the average person can send them into a fit of anger, and their reaction is often disproportionate to the situation.
They can go from idolizing you to villainizing you in an instant.
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However, just as they can quickly swing to anger and rejection, they can also reverse course just as fast.
If you’ve been in a relationship with someone with BPD, you likely recognize this pattern.
You’ve experienced their fury over something small, only for them to later act as if nothing happened.
This is why no contact can be so effective—it forces them to sit with their emotions rather than taking their frustration out on you.
The Challenge of Maintaining a Relationship with Someone Who Has BPD
Being in a relationship with someone who has BPD is incredibly difficult.
It requires an immense amount of patience, emotional resilience, and an ability to manage their shifting moods.
Most people find it exhausting to constantly cater to their partner’s emotional volatility.
If your ex has BPD, the reality is that being apart from them may ultimately be in your best interest.
If they broke up with you, you have a golden opportunity to move on.
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Most relationships with someone who has BPD only get worse over time.
Their behavior typically does not improve without dedicated therapy and sustained effort—both of which many individuals with BPD struggle to maintain long-term.
Because they are rarely held accountable for their actions, they are less likely to remain committed to therapy or actively work on changing their behavior unless they fear losing something they deeply value.
However, if you still want them back despite the challenges, no contact remains the best approach.
People with BPD respond to perceived abandonment with extreme emotional reactions.
They often assume that you will chase them, beg, and plead for their return.
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When you don’t, it forces them to reevaluate their decision and can lead to a strong desire to reconnect.
BPD and the Punishment of Weakness
People with BPD often punish perceived weakness in their partners.
This stems from childhood experiences where they may have lacked a strong parental figure (especially a father) who could provide stability and often had an overbearing mother with whom they have/had a strained relationship.
If you are consistently submissive and tolerate their mistreatment, they may subconsciously see you as weak and unworthy of respect – like one or both of their parents.
If you continuously allow them to break up with you and take them back, they may begin to look down on you.
In their mind, if you were truly strong, you wouldn’t tolerate their behavior.
While this may seem illogical, it is often an instinctive reaction rather than a conscious thought process on their part.
This is why standing your ground and refusing to chase them is crucial.
If they see that you are strong, independent, and unwilling to be treated poorly, their respect for you will increase.
It also heightens their fear of truly losing you, which can trigger their abandonment issues and make them more likely to reach out.
Holding a Person with BPD Accountable
Another key reason no contact is effective with someone who has BPD is that it forces them to face the consequences of their actions.
Many people with BPD have learned throughout their lives that they can manipulate situations to avoid accountability.
They often get away with their behavior because others are too afraid to stand up to them.
By implementing no contact, you are sending a clear message: if they decide to leave, you will let them go.
You will not beg, you will not try to fix what they broke, and you will not allow them to manipulate you into re-engaging.
This creates a dynamic where they must take responsibility for their decision and either reach out or live with the consequences of their choice.
The Power of No Contact with a BPD Ex
No contact is highly effective with someone who has BPD because they expect you to chase them.
When you don’t, it disrupts their expectations and often triggers their abandonment fears.
This can lead to them reaching out, begging for another chance, or attempting to manipulate you into re-engaging.
Final Thoughts
If you’ve been in a relationship with someone who has BPD and they’ve broken up with you, no contact is your best course of action.
It protects your mental health, forces them to confront their own actions, and increases the likelihood that they will reach out if you still want them back.
More importantly, it gives you the space to reflect on whether this is truly the kind of relationship you want in the future.
No one deserves to feel like they are constantly walking on eggshells in a relationship.
If your ex has BPD, you have a choice—either continue the cycle or break free.
The power is in your hands.
Additionally, seeking professional guidance, therapy, or coaching can be beneficial in understanding your experiences and ensuring that you make decisions that prioritize your well-being.
If you need more insights, consider consulting with a relationship expert or engaging in self-reflection through journaling and learning about healthy relationship dynamics.
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Sincerely,
Coach Lee,Master of Marriage and Family Counseling
