Why Does My Ex Fight Their Feelings?

When you go through a breakup, one of the most confusing things is how your ex can act like their feelings are gone while deep down, they often still feel something for you.

The strange part is that many times they will fight against those feelings even when they are still strong.

It doesn’t always make sense and at first glance their actions may seem cold, but there are usually reasons behind it.

Some of those reasons are different than you might expect.

I want to walk you through some of the main reasons why an ex will fight the feelings they still have for you.

By the end of this, you’ll understand not only the psychology behind their behavior but also why patience and space give you the best chance of reconnecting.

Number One: Protecting Pride and the Story

A breakup doesn’t just happen between two people in private.

There’s often a larger audience of friends, family, coworkers, even social media connections who know about it.

Your ex is aware of this, and whether they admit it or not, they want to protect their pride and the story they tell others.

If they broke up with you and then came back quickly, the story doesn’t sound very convincing.

It makes people wonder if they made the decision impulsively.

Was it a knee-jerk reaction?

Could they not handle the discomfort of separation?

Did they lack discipline or resolve?

For some people, that’s humiliating.

They don’t want to be seen as indecisive or weak.

And they don’t want you to think that either.

So even if they are feeling the pull of attraction toward you, they resist coming back too soon because they believe it would make them look foolish.

There’s also a romantic angle here.

To them, saying “We were apart for months and then found our way back to each other” sounds more meaningful than “We broke up and two weeks later decided to reunite.”

They want to create a story that feels powerful and “dignified.”

The irony is that the no contact rule actually works against their ability to hold out for very long.

Your absence becomes harder to endure.

But in the beginning, pride and story are powerful motivators that make them fight their feelings even when they’re still strong.

Number Two: Wanting to Be Right

Nobody likes to admit they made a mistake, especially when it comes to something as serious as ending a relationship.

Breaking up is painful and awkward.

It involves uncomfortable conversations, the risk of hurting someone, and a complete change in routine.

For your ex, to go through all that and then discover they were wrong would feel like failure.

So what do they do?

They test themselves.

When the relief stage of the breakup wears off and they start to feel the sting of missing you, they fight those emotions because they want to prove to themselves that they were right.

They’re hoping the pain will fade with time.

That’s why I often say patience is your superpower.

Your ex doesn’t want to come back only to admit they were wrong too soon.

They need time to see that the feelings don’t go away, that the absence hurts more than the relationship ever did.

The longer you stay calm and composed, the greater the contrast between the reality they hoped for and the reality they’re experiencing.

Number Three: Defensive Circular Reasoning

Human beings can get caught in cycles of defending a position just because it’s the one they took.

It happens in debates, arguments, and yes, breakups.

You’ve probably experienced a moment where you realized mid-argument that your point wasn’t as strong as you thought, but you kept fighting anyway because you wanted to win.

That’s what happens with your ex.

They made the choice to break up, and now they feel like they have to defend that choice.

Even if they start to wonder if it was the wrong move, pride kicks in and they keep reinforcing the decision.

This is circular reasoning: they want to hold the position simply because it’s their position.

The danger for you is if you resist too much.

If you constantly argue, plead, or push them to reconsider, they begin to see you as their opponent.

Instead of reflecting on their decision, they focus all their energy on pushing you away so they can “win.”

That’s why giving them the breakup is so important.

You let them go without resistance.

Yes, you can voice your disagreement at the moment of the breakup.

You can say, “I don’t think this is right, I believe we could work it out.”

But once they insist, step back.

By doing that, you remove the need for them to keep fighting you.

You take away their opponent.

And when you’re not fighting them, they’re left alone with their own thoughts.

That’s when they can begin to question themselves instead of just defending against you.

Number Four: The Perpetual Right Fallacy

Some people believe that because they were the one who ended the relationship, they hold the permanent right to return whenever they choose.

It’s an illusion of control.

They think that since you wanted them when they broke up with you, you’ll still want them six months later, a year later, maybe even longer.

As though you are theirs whether they want you or not and will be available if they ever change their mind.

This is where arrogance often comes into play.

I’ve seen situations where someone waltzed back into their ex’s life as if they were doing them a huge favor.

The mindset is almost, “Congratulations, I’ve decided you can have me back now.”

The truth is very different.

Time changes everything.

You will heal. You will grow.

And eventually you will move on.

Even if you want them back now, there comes a point when your heart and mind adapt to the loss.

Human beings are wired for survival.

If we couldn’t move on from heartbreak, our species wouldn’t continue.

That doesn’t mean your ex can’t come back successfully.

Many do. But their assumption that you’ll always be there waiting is false.

The longer they stay away, the more risk they take.

And if they wait too long, they may find the door closed for good.

Number Five: Testing the Breakup

Perhaps the most powerful reason an ex fights their feelings is because they want to test the breakup.

Just because they miss you or feel the pain doesn’t mean they immediately rush back.

They want to know if the pain is temporary.

Maybe they’ve been through past relationships where the first few weeks hurt but eventually they felt relief.

So they stick with it.

They resist the urge to reach out.

They try to convince themselves that the breakup was the right decision and that the longing will fade.

Here’s the good news: more often than not, those feelings grow instead of shrinking.

What starts as confidence in their choice turns into doubt.

What starts as relief turns into regret.

They remember the early days of your relationship when the attraction was fresh and powerful.

They begin to realize that if they don’t act, someone else will notice those same qualities in you.

That’s when panic sets in.

And it’s why you hear stories of exes who seemed silent and distant for weeks or months, only to come back suddenly with urgency and desperation.

They tested the breakup, and the results were not what they expected.

Final Thoughts

Your ex isn’t a machine that flips a switch and turns off their feelings.

Those feelings linger, but they often do everything they can to resist them.

Pride, the need to be right, defensive reasoning, illusions of control, and the urge to test the breakup all play a part.

The best thing you can do is not fight them on it.

Give them space, live your life, and let time do its work.

When you stop being their opponent, their defenses come down.

When you don’t chase, they have the chance to feel the weight of absence.

Remember, none of this guarantees a reunion.

But it gives you the best possible odds. It puts you in the position where, if they do return, it’s because they’ve chosen to and not because you forced their hand.

That choice is powerful, and it’s what can create a stronger and more lasting relationship the second time around.

Get my Emergency Breakup Kit or Book A Coaching Session

Sincerely,

Coach Lee