How to Make Your Ex Reach Out First

Breakups are challenging, and one of the most common desires after a breakup is to have your ex reach out first.

While you can’t “make” someone do anything, there are strategic steps you can take to create an environment where your ex is more likely to initiate contact with you first.

In this article, I’ll guide you through some effective techniques that, when applied thoughtfully, can increase the chances of your ex reaching out to you.

1. The Zeigarnik Effect: Leaving Unfinished Business

One powerful psychological principle that can work in your favor is the Zeigarnik Effect.

This effect suggests that people remember unfinished tasks or incomplete business more than completed ones.

In the context of your breakup, this means that leaving things unsaid or unresolved can preoccupy your ex’s mind, making them more likely to reach out to you.

When and if you do have the opportunity to interact with your ex, whether through a brief text exchange or an in-person meeting, aim to create a positive experience—but don’t let it drag on.

For example, if you meet for coffee, keep the meeting short and sweet.

About 45 minutes to an hour is ideal based on my experience.

We are dealing with people and they aren’t math problems, but this is a good general guidline based on what I’ve seen.

When the conversation is at its peak, and both of you are enjoying the interaction, that’s when you should wrap things up.

It won’t feel like it. In fact, you will want to stay and keep talking and visiting.

That’s the very reason that I’m telling you to leave at that moment!

Say something like, “It’s been great catching up, but I’ve got to run. Let’s talk again soon.”

This leaves your ex wanting more and keeps the interaction in and on their mind well afterwards.

They may find themselves thinking about what could have happened if the meeting had continued, which can lead them to reach out to you first.

Additionally, if you feel confident and the situation feels right, you might even consider going in for a brief kiss at the end of the meeting—just a couple of seconds, nothing too intense.

Then, simply say “I’ll see you soon,” and walk away.

This bold move can leave a lasting impression and further fuel the sense of unfinished business in your ex’s mind.

2. Create Mystery in Your Life

Mystery is an incredibly attractive quality, especially after a breakup.

If your ex knows every detail about what you’re doing, who you’re seeing, and how you’re feeling, there’s no curiosity to drive them to reach out.

To keep your ex thinking about you, you need to create an aura of mystery.

This doesn’t mean you should be secretive or deceptive, but rather that you should share less and leave some details out.

For example, if you’re posting on social media, avoid giving too much away.

If you went on a trip or attended an event, share a few photos without any context or captions.

Let your ex wonder where you went, who you were with, and what you were doing.

The goal here is to create gaps in the story that your ex will want to fill.

It’s subtle but that’s really all it takes to get the ball rolling and to add to everything else.

When they don’t have all the information, their mind will naturally wander, and they’ll start thinking about you more frequently.

This curiosity can be a powerful motivator for them to reach out and ask you directly about what you’ve been up to.

3. Focus on a Passion or Focal Point

One of the most attractive qualities in a person is passion.

When you’re deeply engaged in something you love, it shows, and it draws people to you.

After a breakup, it’s important to shift your focus away from your ex and towards something that excites you.

Whether it’s your career, a hobby, or a personal goal, dive into it with enthusiasm.

Not only will this help you heal and grow as an individual, but it will also send a message to your ex that you’re not just sitting around waiting for them.

You’re moving forward with your life, and that’s incredibly attractive.

Talk about your passion on social media (unless you choose to be radio silent), with friends, and in any conversations where it might come up.

If mutual friends share this information with your ex, it will only enhance the effect.

When and if you speak with those mutual friends, continue your use of the Zeigarnik Effect.

Don’t tell them all of the story but talk about your passion.

Do not talk about the breakup or your ex.

When your ex sees that you’re focused on something other than them, it can make them realize that they might be missing out on the exciting new chapter of your life.

This realization can drive them to reach out, either out of curiosity or because they want to be a part of your life again.

At the very least, it can get them to become preoccupied with you and to reconsider the relationship.

That doesn’t mean that they are 100% ready to come back yet.

It’s about direction!

4. Cut Them Off Completely

This might sound harsh, but one of the most effective ways to get your ex to reach out is to cut them off completely.

This means no texts, no calls, no social media interactions, and no financial support (if applicable).

The point is to let your ex feel the full impact of the breakup.

If you were financially supporting your ex in any way, and there’s no legal obligation to continue, stop doing so.

If they were benefiting from your resources, they need to realize that those benefits were part of being in a relationship with you.

By cutting them off, you are signaling that they don’t get to have the perks of being with you anymore since they broke up with you.

That’s just how it works and by continuing to support them financially or otherwise, you only enable them in the breakup.

This also applies to any other forms of support or interaction.

If they had access to your streaming services, your car, a tracking app, or any other shared resources, it’s time to end that.

No need to be mean about it.

This will make them see the tangible loss of your presence in their life, and it could lead them to reach out, either to try and regain those benefits or because they miss having you in their life.

Obviously you don’t want them coming back just for those resources and that’s actually not the point.

The point is that you want to demonstrate that you have self respect and aren’t going to continue to give them the benefits of being in a relationship with you after they broke up with you.

Fight the temptation to provide this support or favors in an attempt to bribe your ex or butter them up.

It won’t work.

In some cases, cutting them off might push your ex to realize how much they took for granted and how worthy of appreciation you are.

The sudden absence of your support and care can create a void that they may want to fill by reaching out to you.

It can at least get them to consider it and that is all that you can ask for.

It increases your chances.

5. Appear Painless and Happy

This is perhaps the most counterintuitive step, but it’s one of the most crucial.

After a breakup, your ex expects you to be hurt, upset, and maybe even desperate to get back together.

By appearing happy, content, and unbothered, you turn the tables and make them question their decision.

When you interact with your ex or post on social media, project an image of confidence and happiness.

Don’t overdo it of course by acting as though you are having the best time of your life.

That can look fake and fake is definitely not attractive.

Subtly appear happy and content with your life.

Even if you’re hurting inside, show them that you’re moving on with your life.

This doesn’t mean you should post fake or exaggerated content, but rather that you should focus on the positives in your life and share those moments.

When your ex sees that you’re not pining over them or struggling to cope with the breakup, it can create a sense of loss or even jealousy.

They might start wondering why you’re so okay with the breakup and whether you’ve found someone else or something better.

This can trigger a desire in them to reach out and reconnect, if only to satisfy their curiosity or to see if there’s still a chance for them.

It’s important to note that this strategy requires a great deal of self-control.

You might want to vent about your pain or express how much you miss them, but doing so could push them further away.

By maintaining a positive and composed exterior, you’re showing your ex that you’re not dependent on them for your happiness, and that can be incredibly attractive.

6. Commit to No Contact

The no contact rule is one of the most well-known strategies for getting an ex to reach out, and for good reason.

By cutting off all communication, you give your ex the space to miss you and to reconsider their decision.

However, no contact only works if you’re fully committed to it.

This means no texting, no calling, no social media stalking, and no “accidental” run-ins.

Though it probably seems difficult, you need to give your ex the opportunity to experience life without you.

During this time, they may start to realize what they’ve lost, and that’s when the desire to reach out can begin to build.

It’s important to remember that no contact is not a punishment or a game.

It’s a strategy for healing and for giving both you and your ex the space needed to gain perspective.

If your ex is going to reach out, it’s because they genuinely miss you and want to reconnect, not because they feel pressured or manipulated.

Trust the process, even when it feels difficult.

No contact is about showing strength and resilience, and it gives your ex the opportunity to come back to you on their own terms.

7. Show Strength, Not Weakness

Finally, one of the most important aspects of getting your ex to reach out is to show strength, not weakness.

This means completely avoiding desperate behaviors like constant texting, begging for another chance, or showing up unannounced.

These actions only serve to push your ex further away and make you appear less attractive.

That’s how you harm your odds of getting your ex to contact you first or to come back at all.

Instead, focus on building yourself up during this time.

Work on your self-esteem, pursue your passions, and surround yourself with supportive friends and family.

The stronger and more confident you become, the more likely your ex is to take notice and reach out.

Remember, people are naturally drawn to strength and independence.

When your ex sees that you’re thriving without them, it can create a powerful desire to be a part of your life again.

They may start to wonder if they made a mistake in letting you go and reach out to see if there’s still a chance to reconnect.

In conclusion, while you can’t force your ex to reach out, you can create the right conditions for it to happen.

By leaving unfinished business, creating mystery, focusing on your passions, cutting them off, appearing happy, committing to no contact, and showing strength, you increase the likelihood that your ex will reach out to you first.

Remember to be patient and to trust the process.

With time and the right approach, you may find that your ex comes back into your life, ready to start anew.

Get my Emergency Breakup Kit to get your ex back!

Sincerely,

Coach Lee