Breakups are painful, but they don’t just hurt the person who was left behind.
If your ex ended the relationship, they might not show it, but there’s a good chance they’re feeling emotional pain too.
The difference is that they either won’t admit it or don’t want to admit it—not even to themselves.
In this article, I’ll discuss the hidden pain your ex experiences after a breakup, even when they seem confident in their decision.
Now, as with all my advice, I’m talking about breakups where the relationship was mostly positive, and it seems like their feelings just faded over time.
Get your ex back with Coach Lee’s Emergency Breakup Kit!
However, these principles can still apply to other situations as well.
Let’s dive into five major emotional struggles your ex might be going through but won’t admit.
1. The Pain of Uncertainty
One of the most frustrating things in life is uncertainty.
It creates doubt and stress, and we tend to seek out ways to feel in control.
When your ex broke up with you, they likely felt sure of their decision—at least at first.
But as time passes, especially if you’re staying in no contact, that certainty can start to waver.
Many people don’t realize how much security they feel knowing that their ex still wants them.
If you begged, pleaded, or tried to talk them out of the breakup, that actually gave them comfort.
It provided them with a safety net. They felt secure in their decision, knowing they could come back to you if they wanted.
However, if you stop reaching out and disappear from their life, that certainty fades.
They might begin to wonder if they made the wrong decision.
What if they’ve lost you for good?
What if you move on before they’ve had time to figure things out?
These questions create a painful kind of pressure that can weigh heavily on them, even if they never say a word about it.
2. The Emotional Crash
Many people assume that the person who does the dumping moves on immediately, feeling free and relieved.
And that’s often true—at first.
However, I’ve seen time and time again that after the initial relief stage, many exes experience an emotional crash.
When your ex first ends things, they might enjoy their newfound freedom.
But after a while, reality sets in.
They start to miss the good parts of the relationship.
Get your ex back with Coach Lee’s Emergency Breakup Kit!
They realize they’re no longer getting the emotional support, companionship, and affection they once had.
This crash can lead to unexpected moments of sadness, frustration, or even depression.
Some of my coaching clients have shared stories of their ex suddenly reaching out, sometimes even crying, expressing how confused and lost they feel.
Others never get that phone call, but their ex still goes through this emotional low—they just keep it hidden.
Peer pressure can also play a role in this stage.
If your ex is surrounded by friends who encourage them to “stick with the breakup” or “enjoy the single life,” they may try to suppress their doubts.
But deep down, those emotions are still there, making it even more likely that they’ll eventually start second-guessing their decision.
3. The Fading Effect Bias
Psychologists have studied a phenomenon called the Fading Effect Bias, which states that over time, negative emotions fade faster than positive ones.
This means that as the days and weeks pass, your ex is likely to remember the happy moments of your relationship far more vividly than the bad ones.
Get your ex back with Coach Lee’s Emergency Breakup Kit!
At the time of the breakup, they might have focused on what wasn’t working.
Maybe they felt bored, unfulfilled, or thought they wanted something different.
But as time goes on, their brain naturally starts filtering out the negatives, leaving the good memories to resurface.
This nostalgia can hit them hard, especially if they start to feel like they’ve lost you for good.
If they’re not hearing from you and don’t know what’s going on in your life, their mind can start to romanticize what you had together.
This, combined with the pressure of uncertainty, makes it far more likely that they’ll experience regret and wonder if breaking up was really the right choice.
Get your ex back with Coach Lee’s Emergency Breakup Kit!
4. Frustration at Their Own Confusion
Most people don’t like feeling confused, especially about something as important as a relationship.
Your ex might have been convinced at the time of the breakup that ending things was the right decision.
But as doubt creeps in, they can become increasingly frustrated with themselves.
They might not know what they want anymore.
They may feel torn between their initial certainty and the new emotions they’re experiencing as they miss you.
This frustration can manifest in different ways.
Some exes will reach out, fishing for validation that you’re still there as an option.
Others might try to distract themselves with someone new, only to realize that no one else compares to what they had with you.
In some cases, they might even lash out at you. I’ve had clients tell me that their ex seemed angry or cold when they reached out.
Often, this isn’t because they don’t care—it’s because they’re upset at themselves for feeling conflicted.
They don’t want to admit they might have made a mistake, so they project that frustration outward.
5. Feeling Stuck While You Move Forward
Perhaps one of the most painful things for your ex is the feeling that they’re stuck while you’re moving forward.
Even if they don’t want to admit it, most people want to feel like they are in control of their life.
If they start seeing signs that you’re healing, improving, or even dating someone new, it can be a painful wake-up call.
They might have assumed you’d always be there as a backup plan.
But if they see you thriving without them, it can trigger jealousy, regret, and even panic.
Many exes will try to “check in” during this stage.
They might subtly ask if you’re seeing anyone or try to keep tabs on your life through social media.
If they feel like you’re slipping away, that can be the push they need to seriously reconsider the breakup.
What You Should Do
Now that you understand the hidden pain your ex might be experiencing, what should you do?
- Stay in No Contact – This is the best way to create the conditions that lead to doubt, nostalgia, and regret.
- Focus on Your Own Growth – The more you work on yourself, the more attractive you become (both to your ex and to others).
- Avoid Giving Them Comfort – If they reach out fishing for reassurance, don’t immediately tell them you’d take them back. Let them feel the consequences of their decision.
- Use the Power of Uncertainty – If they ask if you’re dating, a good response is: “I reserve the right to, and I haven’t fully decided yet.” This keeps the door open but doesn’t give them security.
Final Thoughts
Breakups are never one-sided when it comes to pain.
Your ex might seem confident in their decision, but that doesn’t mean they’re not struggling.
The uncertainty, emotional crash, nostalgia, confusion, and feeling of being left behind are all very real.
If you want the best shot at getting them back, the key is to give them space to experience these emotions fully.
The more they feel the weight of their decision, the greater the chance they’ll realize that they made a mistake.
This has been Coach Lee, and as always, thank you for reading.
Sincerely,
